This week's theme is when Green is really baby shit brown.  But first, LOLCat captions on a green and toilet theme

          

As always, thanks to

Is your cat running up your water bill?


This video is widely circulated but thanks goes to my friend Deb for originally sending this to me over a year ago.

Best bumpersticker seen lately:  Drive it like you stole it.

I wonder if they can get NPR's Carl Kasell to record this for them?  (For those who don't recognize the reference, the NPR show Wait Wait Don't Tell Me offers his voice on your answering machine as a price when you win.)  Suggested voicemail message for whoever in the military thought it was a good idea to fly a 747 sometimes used as Air Force One followed by a fighter jet over lower Manhattan for a photo op without a public announcement first.  Not surprisingly, seeing planes flying low over the buildings prompted widespread panic.

I'm sorry, I have my head up my ass right now and can't take your call.  Please leave a message.  Beep.

And now, on to the main theme of Green products that are crap.

Have we become so lazy we make our kid's pets do the work of generating energy for us?



Scientists at Georgia Tech have developed tiny jackets to collect power from hamsters running in their exercise wheels.  As described in the article from MSNBC.com:  "To harness hamster power, the scientists sewed electricity-generating threads one-fiftieth the width of a human hair into a yellow jacket worn by the hamsters as they ran."  The threads are actually nano-wires made of zine oxide.  Which raises a question in my mind.  Could our sunscreen be powering our iPods?  For more, read here.

Of course, first they have to ship them 6700 miles.



Fiji Water claims "every drop is green".  They go on to list why they are carbon negative, saving rainforests, reducing packaging and helping by recycling.  As an example of how much BS this is, also known as greenwashing, their website shows this image:



The problem with this image has two parts.  First, that small number of states that recycle plastic bottles isn't very impressive - what was their marketing department thinking?  It's true that such bottles can be recycled if people put them out, at least in Portland metro area of Oregon where I live, but not the rest of the state as this implies.  And second, the graphic goes on to state that we have a container deposit law, which is true.  Problem is that water bottles aren't covered under it, as this image seems to suggest.

This only makes sense if you plan to eat your clothes and want them pre-seasoned.



A.D.O. Clothing Herb-Infused clothing.  As described in the marketing copy:

Each strand of yarn is infused with hand-picked natural ingredients such as pomegranate seeds, turmeric, lemon, indigofera, sandalwood, basil, eucalyptus, etc. As you wear these garments, infused herbs could exhale into your skin, making you feel refreshed, rejuvenated, and jovial.

Jovial?  And who the hell ever heard of clothing exhaling?  Not to mention the issue of whether or not this stuff will survive laundering?

Do they think because the logo is green they can claim they are green?

   

Oregon Land Rover dealer offers carbon offsets equivalent to 50,000 miles of driving with the purchase of each new vehicle.  Of course, we're still talking about a behemoth that gets about 12 miles per gallon in the city.  I appreciate that planting trees is better than doing nothing but since they get a tax credit for it and all the buyer gets is a lessening of guilt, I'm not impressed.  Why don't they instead offer a deal to buy a small hybrid or give the customer a transit pass and encourage the customer to save the Land Rover for trips across the Serengeti?

Of course, the real point is not to buy so much disposable and breakable stuff.  Which is greener, cash or credit?  It's not clear, as the cost of running data centers is not factored in.  Plastic is handled as a mostly electronic transaction whereas cash has to be trucked around.  But it's not that easy.  Read more in the article from slate.com here.

Cool words and facts

Who knew?  There really is a right way and a wrong way.



It turns out the way you orient the toilet paper roll matters in terms of how much you use each time. For more on the study behind this (sorry, pun intended)) go here.  Of course, they don't discuss how much is wasted by your cat (see the first and third LOLCat captions above), which is why I place mine the wrong way in my roll holder.  If they stand up on their hind legs, pulling down on it when it's the "wrong" way won't result in all of it on the floor.

Conspiracy theorists will assume this was planned by the utility companies.  And maybe it is...  Update on power vampires (items that drain power even when off or not connected).  A study released recently in Good Magazine shows how much power various items cost in electricity when things are plugged in but turned off.  The big news:

If you have a plasma screen TV, that sucker's costing you $160 a year—in electricity used while the thing is turned off.  Read more here.  There are two power strips available that will sense when no current is being drawn and shut off the circuit to the device but both are pretty expensive right now.

It's sorta like when you wash your whites with red socks.  Inkjet printers are not as green as we thought.  Inkjet ink cannot be removed from the paper in the recycling process because it disolves in the water used and too much of it renders the paper unusable as newsprint or office paper because it's too dark. Read more here.

Some blogs that offer suggestions on how to live with less impact:

Find a blog on living in a city with no impact here.

LIfe Without Plastic blog here.  They also have a commercial site where you can buy non-plastic food storage containers, mostly stainless steel here.

Next up:  Another installment of food gone wrong.

For those reading this who haven't already heard, I was laid off a few weeks ago.  You'd think I'd have lots of blog time but being depressed takes its toll.  Now on to this week's theme: another entry of the misuse of technology files.  For earlier entries, see this blog here.

First, LOLCat captions on a technology theme.  For those of you reading this and not in the marketing industry (or who don't recall the quote from Field of Dreams), the term "build it and they will come" is often used to describe the mistaken assumption that all you need is a great product.

       

And one I've liked for a long time but hadn't found a use for before:



As always, thanks to

Too bad this doesn't apply to things like cell phones.  Best quote heard recently:  "I like escalators because they can never break.  They can only become stairs."  By Paul Klusman, the YouTube creator of Engineer's Guide to Cats video seen in this blog.  Wouldn't it be nice if more technology could still be useful when it breaks?

What would it take to get a road that plays requests? 


While this sounds like the punchline to a bad acid trip, Honda Cars cut grooves in a road in Lancaster, California for a TV commercial.  The original road, Avenue K in Lancaster, CA was grooved for a Honda commercial to play the William Tell Overture when a Honda Civic (or a car with a similar wheelbase and tire size) drove over it at 55 MPH.  The city paved it over two weeks later due to neighbor complaints about the noise at night.  Then after hundreds of calls, city officials realized what a tourist attraction it was and re-created it in an industrial area - Avenue G.  Here's a story about the road and its new location, shown below (obviously with something other than a Civic).



All I can say is that if they'd done this with the Led Zeppelin song Stairway to Heaven, the road would have had to be renamed to the Highway to Hell.  For another road in Japan that does the same thing with a different song, see this blog.

How many times do we have to say it?  If you're going to break the law, don't break the freakin' law!



A man was caught driving in an HOV lane on I-405 in the Seattle area with a home-made dummy in the seat next to him as the HOV lane qualifying "passenger".  Why was he caught?  A state trooper driving behind him saw the passenger seat belt dangling outside the car and pulled him over under Washington's seat-belt law.  He was issued a $124 fine and the dummy was confiscated.  Personally, I think the trouper should have confiscated the man and let the dummy drive, as likely it was the smarter of the two.  Read more here. 

And now on to this week's theme, the misuse of technology files.

Clearly, we need a Darwin Awards moment here somehow.  Exploding iPhones, anyone?



Zitpicker iPhone app, $1.99.  The newest version (2.0) allows you to pop pimples on the built-in picture (shown above) or on pictures of your friends.  Sigh.

Looks like a cat feeder to me.



The Ultrasonic Barking Dog Deterrent, $69.95.  And no, I didn't paste in the wrong picture.  They made this thing to look like a birdhouse.  As their marketing copy says:

Disguised as a birdhouse, this patented outdoor behavior modification device quickly and humanely restores peace and quiet for those vexed by a dog's barking. When a dog barks within range of the birdhouse, it emits a harmless ultrasonic tone, inaudible to humans, that startles the animal into silence. The dog quickly associates its bark with the unpleasant sound, which conditions him to curb this undesirable behavior. An on/off switch with three sensitivity levels (15', 30', 50') lets you control the unit's effective range, and a test mode enables you to verify the device is functioning properly. Its weatherproof ABS cabinet can be hung from a tree limb, mounted to a fence post, or hung on a wall (for best results, install less than 5' off the ground).

Why the hell do they need to disguise it as anything, let alone a birdhouse?  Is it to fool the dogs?  And less than 5' off the ground pretty much guarantees that if any bird does land on it, it will immediately be grabbed by neighborhood cats.

.  www.hammacher.com/publish/75520.asp

Is the picture holder in case you forget which pet is likely to come knocking?



Pet Sensing Doorbell, $79.95.  From the marketing copy:

This is the cordless doorbell that chimes only when a dog or cat wearing a "smart key" approaches, alerting you that your pet wants to be let in or out even when you're out of eyeshot. The unobtrusive smart key attaches to a pet's collar and transmits a coded signal that rings the doorbell when it comes within range (adjustable from 6" to 3'). The tone sounds for about seven seconds and repeats every 5-10 seconds. Its volume adjusts to four levels--the maximum volume of 101 decibels is as loud as a motorcycle...

I guess you have to get one of these if you also have the barking dog deterrent shown above.  Why the hell not just put in a pet door or get off your ass and let your dog in?  www.hammacher.com/publish/75826.asp

Oh yeah daddy, because you'll look so retro cool walking around with this, you poseur.



The Cell Phone Rotary Handset, $34.95.  As the marketing copy says:

This is the re-molded, updated handset from a mid-century telephone that enables you to talk comfortably on your cell phone. The handset plugs into your cell phone's 2.5mm audio jack--found on most cell phones--for conversations that evoke a simpler, slower way of life when phone numbers only had seven digits. It also comes with a hands-free adapter kit for phones without an audio jack. A button built into the handset answers and ends calls. The coiled cord extends to 10' and still allows you to intertwine your fingers while engaged in riveting neighborhood gossip.

Talk comfortably?  Was this copy written by a Gen Y slacker who had never used one of these to talk on the phone?  At least we can hope anyone who uses one of these will inevitably strangle themselves in the 10' cord and quit annoying everyone around them.

For people who also organize their socks by color.



Takeout Menu Organizer, $19.99.  What's wrong with a binder and some sheet protectors, if you have to be this anal?  It offers a way to keep service records as well.  If you can't recall whether or not it was good in the past, what does it matter?  You'll probably be too drunk or sleep deprived to care anyway.  It also offers ordering advice.  Ordering advice?  How hard is it to dial and tell them what you want?  From ThinkGeek.

A wallet for people who fear being shot in the ass?



Stainless Steel Wallet, $89.95.  From the marketing copy:

Woven using 25,000 stainless steel threads that are three times thinner than a piece of paper --.001"--this is the only wallet with a hand as smooth as silk and the strength that surpasses leather. Impervious to stretching or staining, and without sharp corners or the inherent bulk of other wallets, the stainless steel is the same metal screen found in the architecture, aerospace, and automotive industries, resulting in a thin profile that allows it to fit into a front pocket. Resistant to corrosive materials such as salts, acids, and seawater, the tightly woven steel also passively resists radio-frequency hacking--the latest identity theft technique that attempts to scan newer credit cards. The wallet has three credit card slots, two internal pockets, an ID window, and one large pocket for bills.

Why a wallet?  Why not a motorcycle jacket?  Available from Hammacher here.

Does it fake orgasms too?

       




FakeTV, $39.95.  The idea is that the flickering lights from this thing will fool burglars into thinking you're home watching TV.  They even went to the trouble of making the colors look like HDTV rather than regular old TV.  Why not just LEAVE THE TV ON?

Not for size queens.

   

The Cosmo and The Luxor TV tubs from Di Vapor, starting at $4500.   These jetted tubs for one and two respectively offer heated head rests (please, does your head get cold when you're in the bath?), as well as a 14' TV screen. If you're going to buy this thing, does a 14" screen really cut it?   Read more at this link here.

Thanks to my friend Dianna for the links that showed some of these items.
 
Cool words and facts:

Why am I confident they used adolescent male mice?  Yeah, they won't die of hypertension but someone will probably kill them young anyway.  Scientists found that the gas released in farts (hydrogen sulfide) helps regulate blood pressure in mice.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27343876/

Does just thinking it's unfair make your salary go down?  Male feminists earn less and are themselves also victims of the wage discrepancy between men and women.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26828564/

See, just going camping is actually better than being at work.  The color you pain your living room matters after all.  Scientists find new evidence to suppor the idea that surroundings support or hinder creativity.  Taller rooms, for example, make you think outside the box.  Read more here. 

Next up:  Green gone wrong.

This week's theme is products for poseurs - stuff no one needs from Nieman Marcus and other sources.  But first, the usual features, starting with LOLCats loosely on a shopping theme.

       

As always, thanks to

Next, an update on my ankle.  I finally got the cast off in early November and then wore a brace for almost eight weeks.  Now I'm walking normally, although I think the resulting phobia about stairs will be with me for life. 

   

Here are the pictures of my scars. If you look closely at the picture on the right, you can see little dots around the main scar that were caused by the staples they used to hold it closed after surgery.  Really, staples...  Yes, Kelly, this is again your chance to make a Frankenfleming comment.  You can find earlier blog entries on my ankle here and here.

Why is this a surprise to anyone that it's not sanitary?  An update on a story I reported in this blog, when I first reported on salons using live carp to eat dead skin and calluses in pedicures.



Officials in Florida have cited health concerns and are banning pedicures performed by said carp.  The reason given is that there's no way to disinfect the pool of fish between clients.  No shit, sherlock.  (And sorry, I meant no pun when I first wrote the word shit.)  Am I the only one who thinks that the ick factor would be enough to keep people away?.  I mean, really - fish eating your feet!!?  Apparently not, as this method of "exfoliation" is popular in Asia. 

What will be next?  Massages performed by boa constrictors?  Facials using flesh eating bacteria?  See more on this story from Florida here:  www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29364668/

Darwin Award self-selection, perhaps?  Best t-shirt seen recently:

"Fools!  I will destroy you all!  Ask me how!

Thanks to author Jean Johnson, who met me for drinks last weekend wearing this shirt.

Hello, is your refrigerator still running?  Yeah, then you better go catch it.



Here's an idea.  Instead of buying over--priced pretentious stuff, why not support efforts like this one:  Art Created From Trash, including this sculpture near Las Cruces NM, made of recycled sneakers, appliance parts and children's toys.  See more at www.treehugger.com/galleries/2009/02/amazing-art-created-from-trash.php

And now on to this week's main theme - pretentious pricey products for poseurs.  (Sorry, I'll be over my fit of alliteration soon).  It's kinda like hiccups.

Sauna?  I don't see any lava rocks or steam here, do you?



The Therapeutic Pet Sauna, $799.95.  The weird pet products just keep coming.  For more entries on stuff no pet needs, see this blog and this blog.  Apparently the idea is to help aging pets, which I'm all in favor of, but it seems to me that better arthritis medication or a heated dog bed would be less expensive.
  www.hammacher.com/publish/11351.asp#   Why the hell can't fido just sit in front of the radiator or furnace grate like all other pets?

When a flashy watch just doesn't say it loudly enough.



Motorola AURA™ luxury cell phone "The return of artistry"™, $1999.00.  From the marketing copy:

Drawing on inspiration, materials and techniques from luxury jewelers, AURA begins with the world's first 16 million color, circular display with more colors and sharper resolution than has ever been seen on a Motorola phone. The product's richness can literally be felt, from the weight of its stainless steel housing and the textures and patterns chemically-etched into its surface, to its Grade 1, 62-carat sapphire crystal lens, one of the most scratch-resistant materials on earth.

Uh-huh.  At the end of the day you'll still have an expensive piece of junk after a couple years when it quits working, the same way they all do.  At least the watch would presumably keep running.

What I want to know is, who the hell (literally, perhaps?) is going to pay the cable bill?

       


The world's most luxurious grave, includes a plasma TV, furniture, wine and accessories.  Apparently an attempt to take it with you after all.  All I can say is, do you really want your body to spend eternity surrounded by rotting tasteless stuff.  I mean, look at the religious statue in the picture above.

http://www.luxurylaunches.com/other_stuff/the_worlds_most_luxurious_grave_offers_more_than_life_could.php

Because everyone wants to curl up in an industrial dryer drum with a good book.



The Reaction Bookshelf, $3000.  http://www.luxurylaunches.com/home_improvement/read_store_books_and_lounge_in_the_reaction_bookshelf_by_oliver_peyricot.php


And now for this year's entries the illustrate the epitome of the absurd, brought to you by the Nieman Marcus Fantasy Catalog.  For last year's version, see this blog.


It will serve you right when the whole thing folds up on you while you're in it.

             

M-Velope Transformable Structure, $100,000.  For the nouveau riche who never outgrew playing with transformers.  Also for people who always wanted to take up residence under the football stadium.  Do they realize you can see into it, so it wouldn't even make a good pool cabana, unless you're an exhibitionist?http://www.neimanmarcus.com/store/sitelets/christmasbook/fantasy.jhtml?cid=OCBF9_NMO3601&cmcat=Christmas  From the catalog copy:

What if your workshop was a convertible? What if you could move your yoga studio walls as easily as you roll up your mat? What if you could rebuild, rearrange, and reassemble your garden retreat as quickly as you rearrange furniture? Step inside our M-Velope and you can! It's a massively cool 15-foot high by 14-foot wide by 17-foot deep creation of functional art built with a steel frame. All its hinged wood panel frames open, move, and close at your whim. Michael Jantzen, an internationally famous architectural pioneer/artist, thought it up and he is crafting just 10 structures for us exclusively. He's a leader in rethinking how we live, and he's been green since '71. He builds each M-Velope with new Accoya® wood products that are durable and completely sustainable.

Well, now that I know it's made of sustainable materials, I feel all better about someone spending 100 Gs. 

Those who can, do.  Those who can't, apparently buy shit like this.



Dallas Cowboys endzone in your backyard, $500,000.  For the weekend warrior who finds hoisting beers to be enough exercise.  Leaving scholarships and libraries behind for a moment, think what your local inner city school could do with this money for their sports program?

The new digs will be state-of-the-art, of course, but Texas Stadium is where America's Team paid its dues ... and grew its heart. It's where a dynasty was built and where the Boys fought their way into seven NFL® Championships. To honor battles won and heroes lost over 38 glorious years, you can put 530 square yards of sporting history into your own backyard: An entire Cowboys Texas Stadium end zone. Our exclusive package also includes the VIP treatment for the last regular season Cowboys game in Texas Stadium. Your crew gets pre-game photos in your zone with Jerry Jones, a luxury suite for the game, and a once-in-a-lifetime post-game tailgate party on your soon-to be new backyard (with the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders, no less). There's also autographed memorabilia from Cowboy legends, and a VIP package to attend the opening of the new stadium in 2009. Better yet, the Jerry Jones family and the Cowboys organization will generously donate the entire purchase price to The Salvation Army®. The perfect gift for envious buds? A framed 26" x 36" collage with a touchable section of the other end zone for their very own! (It's a limited edition of 380, to celebrate 38 seasons at Texas Stadium.)  Call 1.877.9NM.GIFT for details, and start practicing your touchdown dance.

And the Cowboys donate the entire purchase price to the Salvation Army.  OK, so they get a huge tax break and you get what, exactly?  A really screwed up lawn, that's what.

A ride for super-hero wanna be's.



Limited-Edition Fighter Motorcycle $110,000. 

There's the startling, dare we say sexy, design that fuses raw power with crisp simplicity. It's an evolution of the machine, at once taken back down to its core elements while being reinvented and re-engineered for optimal performance. It's our street-legal sci-fi dream come to life, in the form of the limited-edition Fighter Motorcycle. Ours exclusively courtesy of Confederate Motor Company®, the first ever Fighter packs 190 mph of performance into its cutting edge carbon fiber, titanium, and aluminum chassis. There's the 64" wheelbase, 27"H seat, integrated braking system, lots of high-tech bells and whistles, and custom NM edition features. But, honestly, ride it once and you'll be too jacked up on adrenaline to remember all the details. (To view them in all their glory, go here.)  To score one of only 45 of these raw, raging, right on machines, call 1.877.9NM.GIFT 

So what exactly are you fighting?  Middle-aged spread?  And after the inevitable accident, I'm sure your next trophy wife will be so impressed; at least until she realizes she's tied by pre-nup to a vegetable who will need round-the-clock care.

So when you gain weight, does it include the extra LEGO® pieces he'll have to add?

   

His and Hers:  Life-Size Replica in LEGO® Bricks, $60,000 each.

Acclaimed artist Nathan Sawaya is obsessed with LEGO® bricks. Uh, trust us, he is. He fills his New York studio with more than 1.5 million of the interlocking toy building blocks, and he can sculpt anything out of them — a full-size Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton or a 7-foot-long scale replica of the Brooklyn Bridge, for example. Given the skill and depth of his devotion to his art, it makes perfect sense to immortalize your own magnificent self with our 2008 His & Hers gifts. Send in detailed photos and measurements, then Nathan gets to snapping and BOOM! One-of-a-kind, life-size sculptures of yourselves in LEGO bricks. We priced our exclusive gift individually, so Nathan can "brickalize" you and the S.O., the kids, Granny and/or anyone else you obsess about. (Just make sure you have the rights to their likenesses; we're not here to judge.)

http://www.neimanmarcus.com/store/sitelets/christmasbook/fantasy.jhtml?cid=OCBF9_NMO3602&cmCat=christmas&icid=NMCBpage75

Other entries in this year's catalog include a BMW ($180k, and it didn't seem any different from any other beamer to me), assorted medieval jewelry, a Jack Nicklaus Custom Backyard Golf Course Package (beginning at $1M, up to 3 holes, does not include construction crew, or common sense apparently), a racing stables and farm ($10M), an authentic Guinness home pub ($250k, could buy a hellava lot of booze with that), a collection of every 45 RPM rock and pop Billboard Top 100 hit from 1955 through 1990 ($275k, ditto for iTunes downloads), and a chance to play a game with the Harlem Globetrotters ($110).

Doesn't look much like Astro, does it?  (And for those who don't get the reference, you're too young to read this blog.)



The Create Your Own Animated Remote Controlled Dog, $49.95.  A dog for the LEGO® people.  www.hammacher.com/publish/75984.asp

Cool Word and Facts

Apparently we lose more than just sleep.  Recent studies shed doubt that switching to Daylight Savings Time saves energy anymore.  In fact, evidence suggests that it actually takes more energy now, as our electricity usage has changed due to air conditioners and home electronics.  Originally conceived by Benjamin Franklin as a way to save candles, Daylight Savings Time did save about 1% of electricity used in the US in the 1970s.  Recent studies show this may no longer be true.  For more, read here.  I know I'm all in favor of sleeping in until the sun is up.

Yeah, but when did they learn to shake hands?  Dogs were domesticated 100,000 years ago, far older than previously thought.  www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4264918/



But they still don't have any data on when foreplay was discovered.  Recently reported in the journal Nature, sexual intercourse apparently occurred at least 350-380 million years ago, about 30 million years earlier than scientists estimated based on prior data.  This is based on fish fossils showing a fetus.  For stories on this, see this and this.

Next up, more tech toys gone wrong.

This week's theme is stupid (and a few cool) things to do with and to animals.  For earlier entries in this category see this blog here.  With apologies to my friend and colleague Scott - who believes the cat captions detract from the blog -  there are a lot of cat captions and videos.  But since the theme is animals, I'm doing it anyway.  First, some other usual features:

Best quote heard recently (actually last fall as I'm still catching up on old unpublished blog content):  "Americans can always be relied upon to do the right thing once they have exhausted all other possibilities".  Winston Churchill.  The speaker was referring to what the US will be doing about the global financial crisis.

And this quote was heard on the BBC last fall:  "When the tide goes out, we'll see who's been swimming without trunks" Warren Buffett, also talking about the world financial crisis.

This week's LOLCat captions, loosely on a stupid pet tricks theme:

       

And my favorite for this week:



As always, thanks to

And for great use of an old advertising jingle with a cat video:


Here's the original commercial as well:


Cats As War Games:  From the maker of The Engineers Guide to Cats (seen in this blog) comes this video.   


Where he shows more crazy things to do with cats (and friends), if yours are way more tolerant than mine.  You can find more of Paul Klusman's videos here:  www.youtube.com/user/klusmanp

How to win friends and influence people?  Bill Gates releases a scourge of mosquitoes at a conference on malaria.  And yes, scourge is the collective noun for mosquitoes.

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You know, when computer programs do stuff like this we call it malware.  That said, I agree the cause is very important.  No data on whether this increased contributions to his foundation to support malaria eradication

I won't speculate about what he would have released had this been a conference on HIV...

And now some stupid pet products.

For people who can't qualify to get a dog at the Humane Society.  Fish agility training center



R2 Fish School Kit, $39.95, available at Hammacher Schlemmer.  http://www.hammacher.com/publish/76216.asp.  Here's what the manufacturer has to say about the R2 Fish School:

That's Comet in the video below. Comet is a common goldfish who has been trained using the operant conditioning positive reinforcement techniques and tools of the R2 Fish School Training Kit! The R2 Fish School is fast and easy to understand. It is a complete system for teaching fish to do amazing tricks. Limbo, Fetch, Soccer, Slalom and much more.

The Slate Magazine video of their review of the Pedipaws(tm) pet paw belt sander (sorry, pet nail trimmer), tested on slate.com employee pets.  Just listening to the sounds of this thing tells me they gave the animals in the commercial Xanax(tm) before filming.  Unfortunately, necessary sedatives are not included in the purchase price.

Cool Words and Facts

Which would you choose?

   

It turns out grapes may lower blood pressure.  I have to ask: is it a stretch to think that wine will do the same?  Play it safe and consume both.  Story at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27435396/

Who knew?  She had bling.



Martha Washington (our first first lady) wore purple satin shoes with silver sequins and glittery buckles on her wedding night to George.

But they don't say what caused it to go ass over tea kettle.  New theory for why Venus spins in the opposite direction from most of the planets in our solar system, including Earth.  Perhaps it's upside down.  Scientists in France reported in the journal Nature in 2001 that they think the planet Venus started out spinning in the same direction as the rest but flipped upside down at some point in the past.  http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=why-venus-spins-the-wrong 

Rest In Peace.  Socks 1989 - 2009:  And finally, a moment of silence for former White House First Cat Socks, who was euthanized on Friday February 20 after several months of treatment for cancer of the jaw.



Late breaking addition:  Dramatic Cupcake Dog


Thanks to my friend and neighbor for sending this link in as a blog comment.  I added it after the initial post.

Next up:  This year's Nieman Marcus Fantasy Catalog.

NSFW:  Warning, while I try to keep the content here somewhat readable by all, this week's content can be considered NSFW (not safe for work) since it discusses and shows products devoted to chastity, condoms and inappropriate use of breast imagery in products.

I've been slacking off on the blog due to other interests (ok, hooked on my Amazon Kindle), so the content here is actually a blog I wrote in late September and never posted.  I now have several blogs in development and going to try to get back to my weekly posting schedule.

Since we have a theme that is NSFW, I wanted to show LOLCat captions that are the feline equivalent.  Wait, doh!, cats don't work...

        

As always, thanks to 
   
Best joke heard this week:  "You know, now that the dollar has so little value, we could put him on it", referring to George W Bush during a comedy news quiz segment on the financial institution failures this week. 



Said by Paula Poundstone on the NPR program Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, aired on 9/20/2008.  I found this picture on the NPR website and IMO this is the picture that should be used for any devalued currency issued.

Best bumper sticker seen recently:  Stop repeat offenders.  Don't re-elect them.

By the time you're down to underwear, don't you think it might be too late?

   

Wait Wear chastity underwear and other products.  While I wasn't able to find an actual picture of the underwear, according to the company website, this is how they started out, with chastity messages on underwear, the idea originally inspired by a dream the founder had of how to promote chastity before marriage in young people. 

I'm all in favor of chastity as an informed choice, but I'm sorry, assuming it isn't too dark in the back seat of the car, don't you want them to think of this before they get down to tighty whiteys?  Read more about clothing and other products to support this cause, or at least make the marketers a lot of money from the religious right.   Do you suppose the R's Veep candidate's family owns any (ref to Sarah Palin)?  Because it doesn't seem to me that Ms. Abstinence-only eduction has such a great track record inside her own family.  Sorry, bad Sioux, bad Sioux. 

See more of these products at waitwear.com.  For a post-marriage view of the role of religion and sex, don't forget to check out this blog, highlighting sex toys for christians, as the site claims to sell only to christian married couples comprised of one man and one woman, although they do not appear to require proof of this.

Speaking of mixed messages, when it comes to condoms, is small and cute really the image you want?



Hello Kitty condoms.  I even found sites that claimed the existence of such a product is a myth but look closely above, these are real or at least a really good mock-up.  See this and more terminally cute Hello Kitty stuff at a blog devoted to writing about how awful this mania is called KittyHell.com.

And now on to our main theme, boobs for boobs.  I found these in many locations including boysstuff.co.uk and  "Boobs and Ten Ways To Have Fun With Them" from inventorspot.com.  They fall into several categories.

Bed and Bath Products

You just know people who actually use this are going to make honk, honk sounds.  We can only hope there's a Darwin Award moment here.

   

Shower Breasts, 15 euros.  Each side can hold shampoo, conditioner or shower gel.  The website warns agains overfilling.  I"m assuming they explode.  Now there was a mental postcard I could have done without.  At least anyone who does overfill them is likely to do themselves in slipping in all the spilled shower gel.

At least we can see them coming and duck.




       

Slippers, bath tub stopper, and eye mask.  At least with the first and last, anyone wearing them will look like the moron they are.

Food and drink

Probably as close to the real thing as people who use these are likely to get.

   

Rude Shaped Egg Fryer, $5 and shot glass complete with nipple.  Note that the shot glass holds about 4.5 oz so you can quickly get yourself into a state that will let you think these products are funny.

Electronics

A remote for your porn



The Bikini Remote $11.99.  The bikini top flips up for the channel up and down buttons.  For god's sake, just buy yourself an inflatable doll.


And last but not least (yes, pun intended), products guaranteed to provide an HR moment if you use them at work:

   


Mouse, stick-it (generic post-it) notes, hand massager, and mouse pads.  Now you know what the home office of some of your telecommuting colleagues looks like.  And aren't you sorry I offered up that mental postcard?

Cool words and facts:

Try this at your next anti-war protest.

       

Origin of the peace symbol.  It was designed in 1958 for the Direct Action Committee Against Nuclear War in the UK.  It's made up of the semaphors for N and D (nuclear disarmament).  Thanks to my friend Colin for this entry, which was covered by many news outlets last summer.

New diet for cows means no more cow farts?  Apparently adding hay and straw to cows diets in the UK is reducing bovine emissions as well as cutting feed costs.  http://www.treehugger.com/files/2008/09/new-cow-diet-reduces-emissions.php

Next up, stupid pet products.

Can't see the blog?  Note to my friends and colleagues at CA who read this:  All Live Journal web pages are now blocked on the CA network, not just mine as one wit suggested, so you'll have to read this when you aren't connected to the Internet via CA.  If I'm the actual reason that happened, all I can say is that I'm so proud.

This week's theme is the misuse of LEDs, but before that, an update on my ankle.

I am now allowed to walk on my leg with the walking cast, so no more clomping around with the walker.  I'll have the cast on for at least another month but this will make me far more mobile. 

No screws loose here.

       

Here are x-rays from last week showing the mini-hardware aisle I now have in my leg (a long thin plate or two and a whole bunch of screws).  Airport security will never be the same again.  If you want to see the original x-ray and other pictures from when I broke it, go to this blog.  All I can say is, come at me with a magnet and prepare to die.

With friends like these, who needs....

It was reported in June that five disembodied feet had washed up on the shores of western Canada.  http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=91724571  Another was found in August across the Strait in Washington the same day I broke my ankle.  No, reports to the contrary, it wasn't mine.  It was then suggested to me that if my foot no longer worked, perhaps one of these would be available.  Thanks but most of them were right feet from men, and it was my left ankle I shattered.

Credit goes to my friend Colin for telling me about these news stories shortly after I was released from the hospital.  You just can't put a price on the value of support from your friends in times of need.

And now on to the regular stuff, starting with LOLCat captions loosely on an LED theme.

       

As always, thanks to

Best bumpersticker seen recently:  Be nice to the United States or we will bring democracy to your country.

So if you get behind in your email or there's a power outage, that heralds the second coming?  You've Been Left Behind, $40 for the first year.  From their website (youvebeenleftbehind.com), you can set up their system to send messages and documents your "lost" friends and relatives who were not apparently taken up to heaven when the Rapture occurs.  As their About page explains:

We have set up a system to send documents by the email, to the addresses you provide, 6 days after the "Rapture" of the Church. This occurs when 3 of our 5 team members scattered around the U.S fail to log in over a 3 day period. Another 3 days are given to fail safe any false triggering of the system.

Uh-huh.  I won't speculate on how many subscribers will take advantage of the opportunity to gloat in the emails to friends and family.  Thanks to NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell me show for this news item on their June 7, 2008 show.

Too bad there's no video showing what happens to those people if it isn't installed properly...

   

Bloomframe collapsible balcony, price not announced.  The only value I can see here is that you don't need to remember to bring in the furniture during bad weather, although you do have to remember to bring in the balcony.  http://www.luxurylaunches.com/decor/bloomframe_is_a_collapsible_balcony.php

Now on to this week's theme, the misuse of LED files.  Some of these entries came from a blog titled Stupid LED Tricks on treehugger.com.

Yeah, but will you hit yourself or your partner in the head if you go for the snooze button?

   

LED pillow alarm clock, concept only.  From the press release: 

"...and it uses a cutting-edge LED fabricsubstrate below the pillow's surface; the pillow gently awakes you with it's light that inceases its intensity over a 40-minute period. Once you are awake and lift your head from the pillow, it displays the time for you on the pillowcase."

So if you are restless and either cover your head with the pillow or push it off onto the floor, exactly what good ill this do you?  There is a panel of controls sewn to the side of the pillow.  And since the controls are permanently attached, I'm guessing this thing can't be put through the wash so I'm wondering if eventually the smell alone won't wake you.  http://www.luxurylaunches.com/home_improvement/led_pillow_clock_uses_light_not_sound_to_wake_you.php

Wearing sheer clothing may have an unintended effect, when people can see right through it.



LED bench, billed as being environmentally friendly because it only takes 95 watts to power it.  Point is, except as an expression of art, why the hell light up the bench in the first place?

If someone decides you are on fire, it will serve you right when they take appropriate action.

       

Voltage iGlow Hair Gel, $9.95 for a 2 oz single application.  Hair gel that contains microscopic particles which glow for 6-8 hours when mixed and applied to hair.  Apparently it's only visible in dim light or no light.  Available in blue, green, orange and yellow.  From the marketing copy:

"The glow is bright enough to even use in lieu of a flashlight to go through a campground at night!"

Uh-huh.  If I see someone with glowing hair on my next camping trip, I'd assume the water is radioactive and get the hell out of there.  And it will serve them right if the glow attracts bears.  From letsglowparty.com.

People use one of these in meetings will likely be killed and eaten by co-workers for making tedious meetings run even longer.



Ligh Talk 2, $39.99.  Scan an image, then wave the pen around and display it in mid air.  This will only work when you move it at the right speed to use the afterimage others will see when you do this.  Just use IM like everyone else, damn it.  From ThinkGeek.

If this is the only way to get people to look at the body part highlighted, take note:  it's probably not worth looking at.

           

Lighted Bras, $120-600.  The same company also offers lighted hats, coats, vests and many other garments, including these:



Lighted flame pants, $1000.  I'm guessing this site is the geek equivalent of Frederick's of Hollywood.  From enlighted.com. 

Cool and frightening words and facts:

Another reason to just drink alcohol, IMO. 



In tests prompted by an AP story, pharmaceuticals were found in the drinking water of 46 million Americans, including my home town of Portland, Oregon.  I'd suggest drinking beer but of course it's usually made with municpal water supplies so you'll just have to gut it up and go for the distilled stuff.  Read more at: http://www.amazon.com/Kwik-Tek-Multi-Purpose-9-Inch-12-Inch/dp/B000OF72WK/ref=pd_bbs_sr_3?ie=UTF8&s=sporting-goods&qid=1221327759&sr=8-3

Can you justify a sick day at work for an ice cream headache?  What causes brain freeze, also known as an ice cream headache, that feeling you get when you eat something cold too fast?  There is a specific set of nerves in the soft palate that redirects the pain to the forehead or sinuses.  Turns out people with migraines are more susceptible.  Jeez, first they can't drink red wine or eat chocolate, now ice cream.  From NPR's ATC on 8/23/2008 from their feature known as Science Out of the Box.  

Remember that you were told not to put anything sharper than your elbow in your ear?   As stupid as I always found that advice, because the first thing every kid does is try to get their elbow in their ear, it turns out they were right.  Don't remove earwax after all.  New information directs doctors to tell us to leave earwax alone.  The article refers to "national guidelines on earwax removal".  National guidelines?  Who appoints these people.  We have many millions of people in the US without health care and we have people providing a national directive on earwax?!?

Next up, boob-themed products that will guarantee you an HR event if you take them to work.

This week I'm showing a few more odd outdoor and recreational gear items, but first, the usual features, starting with LOLCat captions loosely on an outdoor theme.

   

And my favorite this week, because while I have a pair of Crocs, I agree they look terrible and I at least have the good sense to confine them to camping, where my footgear is likely to be the least of my sartorial offenses.



As always, thanks to

Best bumpersticker seen recently:

At least the war on the environment is going well.

Thanks to my neighbor Matt for this one.

And now on to this week's main theme, more outdoor and recreational gear gone wrong:

Honeshly occifer, I only had one lil' drink.



Update to this blog on motorized coolers:  Don't drive them while drunk or you may get a DUI.  Follow the link below to see a story about a man who was arrested for driving one while intoxicated and while unlicensed.  Who the hell issues a license to drive a cooler?  And I have to wonder who else they thought motorized scooters appeal to, other than those who are drinking heavily.  I mean, really.  http://www.switched.com/2008/06/05/man-arrested-for-drunk-driving-a-motorized-cooler/?icid=100214839x1203529618x1200142000  Thanks to my friend Dianna for this link.

No fat cats here.

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Cats on treadmills.   At least your inside cats can get their exercise.  Do you know what your cats do with your exercise equipment when you're at work?

For when you unexpectedly need to catch a minnow.

   

Coleman Fish Pen, billed as the World's Smallest Mini Fishing Rod, $21.95.  How much can this thing hold anyway?  And how often do you need to suddently catch a fish, such that you need to do so with something you happen to have in your pocket?

The look on her face leads me to believe that the chair swivels more than your hips.



Hula chair, $129.95.   According to the manufacturer:

“Beautify” and build the body and “obese waist and belly.” The manufacturer also says it will enhance circulation and, somehow, relieve hemorrhoids.

Get a grip people, your chair cannot tone you or make you lose weight.  And you'll probably throw your back out anyway.  Eat less, get off your ass and exercise moderately.  http://doesitwork.msnbc.msn.com/ and sold at gadgetuniverse.com. 

If you don't lick it evenly, will the ice cream become unbalanced and fly off?

       

Motorized ice cream cone holder.  Apparently for those too lazy to what, turn the cone?  I first learned about this product from the NPR show Wait Wait Don't Tell Me on 6/14/2008.

If you can't stand to rough it, either buy an RV or just stay home, damn it.



Portable rechargable air conditioner, Cabelas, $79.99.  Uses ice and runs on DC, AC or 8 D batteries for 24 hours.  Marketed to be used with your tent.  Uh huh. 

I doubt it's an accident that it looks like it should be mounted on a gun boat.



Burgess Insect Fogger, $69.99.  From the marketing copy:

This week's theme is beauty treatments gone wrong.  Before that I thought I'd provide some postcards of what happened right after I announced that the blog was back.  Demonstrating yet again that I cannot walk and chew gum or rather walk and pick up my damn feet, I tripped myself on the stairs when leaving my friends' house and shattered my ankle.  Ambulance ride, serious pain meds, surgery and now I clomp around with a walker or sucker my friends into pushing my wheelchair.  Here are some pictures from the whole thing.

Don't make me come down there. 



Here's me in the hospital when I'm waiting for a pain shot.  Not a pretty sight.  Fortunately the hospital was great at pain management, so this was short-lived.

Do you get egg roll with that? 



A view of the "manchu-wrap" temporary splint the ER applied to my leg after the x-ray determined that I had indeed shattered the fibula and broke the tibia.  This was at the direction of the orthopedic surgeon on call and apparently was something rarely used, so there was a parade of residents to check it out.  It isn't easy to see, but those little things at the top are my toes.  The whole thing was the size of several of my legs and covered me from toes to hip.  You can see my other foot on the right to give you an idea of how big this was.  They came at me with enough cotton batting to upholster a couch and then wrapped it all in muslin before putting on a splint, followed by more batting and wrap.  Took two nurses to lift it.  The whole thing looked like an overstuffed sofa.

Ready for Halloween early.



This a copy of my x-ray.  It's hard to see, which might be just as well because if you know what you're looking at this is pretty gruesome.  The one on the right (tibia) is atually broken into about 12 or so pieces, although the damage I did to this picture before I scanned it makes that hard to see clearly.  My apologies for the chocolate custard on the picture.

Protection from body fluids gone wrong. 

   

The pain medication (a demerol analog) really upset my stomach, so they gave me this thing when they were transporting me that I dubbed the "vomit condom".  For calibration, the opening was about 8" in diameter and it was about 14" long.

Not your typical Doc Martens. 



A view of my cast today, with my cat Ariel in the lower corner.  The cats have become very blase about my walker, which I now refer to as the Imperial Walker, as I slowly clump my way through the house with the cats fleeing before me.

I decided not to record the surgical incisions with staples for posterity, as that was the only part of this that creeped me out.  I mean really, staples?  And then I mentioned to my friend Kelly that it looked like the worst Frankenstein movie you'd ever seen and now I'm being called FrankenFleming.  All I can say is, payback is a bitch. 

And now, the usual stuff, starting off with LOLCat captions on a medical theme in honor (ahem) of my recent experiences with the hospital.

   

As always, thanks to

Best bumpersticker seen recently:  Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons if you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Best t-shirt seen recently: 

Homework kills trees.  Stop the madness.

Thanks to my friend and neighbor Matt, who saw this at the Red Bull Flugtag in Portland last month and told me about it, earlier in the day of the ankle now that I think about it.

And now on to the main theme this week:  beauty treatments gone wrong.

I'm guessing the inevitable crash could be really ugly.



Headblade Sport Ultimate Head Shave, $15.00.  Razor that looks like a race car, intended for shaving your head.  Making zoom noises is optional but sadly, almost certainly unavoidable.

I wonder where this is covered in scripture?



Glow in the dark bubble bath, $9.95,  from book22.com.  I wonder if the glow is supposed to imply a connection with the divine?  For those who don't recall it, read more about the Book22.com website, a website devoted to sex toys for Christians in this blog.

So why doesn't the animal rights crowd go after this market instead?



DNA Beauty Queen lamb placenta capsules, $29.99.  http://www.ihealthtree.com/beautqueensw.html

I also found pig placenta face masks and peach flavored placenta drink:



Apparently the translated Japanese text tells us that the placenta has been screened to remove blood and any traces of BSE (which doesn't even infect pigs or lambs).

So does this mean if you don't smell bad, you feel cooler? 

       

Deordorant clothing, $8 for socks, $13 for t-shirts, $350 for the Farago Aircool suit.  Silver ions are infused into the fibers of the fabric.  I can just see the airport metal detector experience now.   This is part of a larger campaign to reduce energy use in the hot humid days in Japan in combination with the Japanese government and Shinshu University.  I'm all for reducing engery use but I don't think odor is the highest concern when sweltering in 90+ degree heat with 95+% humidity.

It would be cheaper to hang out in a park and tip your face up toward the sky.



Uguisu no Fun, facial treatment made from Nightingale excrement, $17.99 for 1oz of powder you mix with water and apply to your face.  Yep folks, you pay to rub bird shit on your skin.  Apparently it contains guanine, an enzyme that exfoliates and whitens skin.  http://inventorspot.com/articles/japanese_face_cream_made_from_nightingale_droppings_13368

I wonder if it doesn't hurt as long as it's sparkly?



Nair Pretty Green Apple Glitter Wax, $7.99.  Hair remover wax with glitter.  Just what any girl or woman needs - glitter to highlight the irritated and reddened skin after hair removal.  This entire line is aimed at pre-teen girls, which is pretty scary.  They offer a sheet on why shaving is scary but girls should worry about "fuzz". 

Not your mother's gefilte fish.  Or so we can hope.



Carp and pedicures.  Apparently carp can be used for removing dead skin and calluses while leaving healthy dermis behind.  Unlike piranha.  So apparently some pedicure salons decided to use carp to do so.  Personally I'll stick with foot files myself.  I wonder if this would violate the jewish dietary rules if these fish were later used in gefilte fish.  For more go to http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=93209785&sc=nl&cc=es-20080817

Cool and strange words and facts:

So the steriotypes for hillbillies may have a basis in fact.  More kids means fewer teeth for the mother.   The more kids, even among high-income women, the more teeth lost.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24880051/ 

So what would the GPS device look like?  Why is so much sperm released during sex?  A healthy male will release 40M to 1.2B sperm cells per ejacualtion.   My guess is that it's because even at the cellular level, males won't ask for directions.  For even one of them to get there, the number trying has to be overwhelming.    http://www.livescience.com/mysteries/080606-llm-sperm.html 

So will sniffing hot cocoa put you to sleep?  Turns out even smelling coffee wakes you up.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25192409/

Next up, more unusual outdoor gear.

The blog is back.  My blog muse was on hiatus due to increased work-related stress but it's come back, I hope for good now.  Sadly, the stress has taken up residence and doesn't seem ready to leave any time soon. This week's theme:  strange fast food restaurants and menu items.  First, the regular stuff, including food related LOLCat captions.

   


As always, thanks to

So if that isn't a hand, what exactly is it?



Seen in my local Fred Meyer store recently:  One Touch Hands-Free Can Opener.  What I want to know is, if it's hands-free, what do you touch it with?  The mental pictures boogle the mind.

More proof that engineers don't get out enough.



Pretty much everyone I know sent this link to me, although I think my friend Tori sent it first.  Thanks to all of you for sending this on.  An engineer's guide to cats.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHXBL6bzAR4.  I would love to know where to get cats this tolerant of indignity.  I'm still trying to work out the kinks that keep me from embedding videos in line in the blog instead of at the top, so this is a screenshot, but you can view this video at the top of this blog or by clicking the link.

Best phrase coined recently:  Heard from a woman on a flight to Chicago this week, when she described her year and a half long trip around the country and europe in the 60s - she described herself as a Victorian Hippy, meaning no drugs and no free love.  My question is, what was the point?

Theme park in Bagdad.  The only way this makes sense is if the military is actually hoping all the terrorists will attack one place, sort of like a pit trap you chase the herd into so it falls in and you can kill it more easily.  http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/iraq/article3802051.ece

And now, on to the main theme this week:  unusual fast food restaurants and menu items.

Truth in advertising perhaps, but at what cost?



Drive-In seen near Oakland Airport:  Chubby Freeze.  Sells burgers and soft serve ice cream.  Personally if I were a less than thin high school kid, I'd live in terror of being photographed walking out of there.  You'd be haunted for life by the year book pictures.

IMO, another reason to sleep in until noon.



Spam for breakfast at a Burger King in Hawaii.  Remarkably, they think this will lure customers in.  I see the sign as a warning label myself.  

The options on offer are the Spam Platter (two slabs of spam, white rice and scrambled eggs) or the Croissanwich with Spam.  A croissant and spam. Talk about mixed messages.  

Do you suppose they think they can avoid a fine for violation of truth in adverstising laws because those aren't zeros?



McD's billboard seen recently:  100% Beef. Picture shows a Big Mac complete with lettuce, tomato, cheese, condiments and bun.  I'm sure the Atkins crowd would like to know where to get vegetables, condiments and hamburger buns made of 100% beef.

Speaking of unusual fast food, here are samples of menu items from McDonalds restaurants around the world.

Cannibalism in India?



Maharaja Mac in India.  In a country where beef is not generally eaten, instead of a Big Mac they offer this choice with lamb or chicken.  Even so, were I a maharaja, this would concern me.  Allegedly they also offer the McAloo Tikki, a vegetarian choice.

Do you suppose you get one of those bibs too?



Lobster sandwiches in the maritime provinces in Canada.  Lobster served with fries and a soda.  Uh huh.

If they did this in the US, more parents would probably be willing to put up with over-amped kids wanting more time in the play structure.  The gods know, it works for Chuck E. Cheese.



Beer with the meal in Germany.

Another curious restaurant fact:  There is a secret menu at In-N-Out Burger restaurants.  The menu includes burgers wrapped in lettuce rather than a bun for the Atkins crowd, and can be read at http://www.in-n-out.com/secretmenu.asp.  What exactly is the point of making this "secret"?  Do they feel like customers want to feel like insiders when ordering burgers? 

Thanks to my friend Sam for several of these items. 

Cool words and facts

Is this really the company we want to keep?  There are only three countries in the world not using the metric system:  The United States, Liberia and Myanmar.  Thanks to a story on NPR on 4/29 where this was mentioned in passing.

Talk about an identity crisis.  A platypus is part mammal, part reptile and part bird, based on the new gene map according to scientists in Australia.  http://www.livescience.com/animals/080507-platypus-genome.html

Body image influences behavior even when that image isn't real.  The virtual you influences what you eat, how much you exercise and whether or not you lose weight.  People who saw their avatar exercising were motivated to exercise more.  People with more attractive and slimmer avatars ate better. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=89984937 

Gives you a whole new perspective on cleaning up after your neighbor's dog.



Elephants were found wandering around a Minnesota town after cyclone in early June.  Storms spooked the elephants at a circus and they broke free, wandering around the streets and through backyards.  I'm only sorry there were no transcripts of the 911 calls online.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24989743/ 

Next up:  entries that didn't fit elsewhere.  As always, I welcome suggestions for future blogs.

This week the theme is gifts for hypochondriacs, but first, the usual stuff.

LOLCat captions I've liked recently.

   

I think this LOLCat caption is a good reminder for all of us and is my favorite this week.  Words of wisdom for us all.



As always, thanks to

Makes you wonder why you spent all that money on piano lessons for you kid, doesn't it?  



Nora the cat playing the piano.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZ860P4iTaM.  Be sure to watch the sequel, where Nora clearly both watches the student playing the other piano, but changes what she does in response. Thanks to my friend Kelly for this link.

Best description heard recently for the reason men hang metal testicals such as these from the back of their trucks.  



"It's an expression of truckliness".  Uh-huh.  Apparently a Florida legistlator wants to outlaw fake testicals on trucks.  As you may recall, I wrote about this type of product in this blog.  

Now at least two Florida State senators want to outlaw them.  Another state senator admitted to owning them, and this quote on truckliness was his explanation.  Get a grip guys.  No matter what all those commercials would like you to believe, your vehicle is not your dick.  Thanks to NPRs Wait Wait Don't Tell Me on April 26 for this story.  You can read about the story here:  http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSN4O32105020080425

Now, the main theme, gifts for hypochondriacs.  In addition to the usual UV Sterilizer Pens, hand sanitizer and germ masks, all of which have their uses,  you can find all sorts of products for your favorite hypochondriac.

Suggested playlist:  Sick Love by Motley Crue, Sick City by Elton John and Illness Illusion by Gackt.

Training manual for budding drama queen hypochondriacs.  It even tells you how much you should suffer, so your syptoms are more realistic.



The Complete Manual of Things That Might Kill You, $19.95.  As the description says:

Hypochondriacs have long had to satisfy their needs for self-diagnosis with medical reference materials written for the masses, but this revolutionary book is dedicated entirely to the hypochondriac’s unique perspective on health. The world’s worst maladies, conveniently organized by symptom (real or imagined), will ignite even the mildest hypochondriac’s fantasy life. We’re all going to die of something—why not choose an ailment that’s rare and hard to pronounce?

It includes 300 deadly diseases and a rating system of contagion, pain, suffering and death.  Thanks to my friend Dianna for this tip.

Spin the wheel of death.



Yes, You're Probably Dying, $7.50.  Wheel you spin to pick your disease with details of what it will do to you.

   


Both available from knockknock.com.

Health drama for on the go too...



The Hypochondriac's Pocket Guide to Horrible Diseases You Probably Already Have, $14.95.  As the book description says:

Profiling fifty of the most disgusting, painful, life-threatening and otherwise icky diseases, this remarkable book is the perfect treat for the closet temperature-taker, speed-dialing doctor stalker, or tissue-wielding virus-phobe in all of us. Each disease is fully documented, including a checklist of symptoms, an overview, treatment, prognosis, and—for the rare cases in which the reader is not yet infected—notes on prevention. 

Available from Amazon.  And you can buy it bundled with this:



The Paranoid's Pocket Guide to Mental Illnesses You Can Just Feel Coming On, $14.95.  By the same editors as the above.  As described on Amazon:

From the slightly odd Stendhal Syndrome (the fear of artwork) to the mentally debilitating Athazagagoraphobia (the feeling that you’ve forgotten something important) and the downright bizarre Windigo Psychosis (the belief that you are a wild and ravenous monster)...

Personally, I think the fear of artwork is just a response to all the stuff we had to make in grade school craft class, followed by field trips to modern art museums at too young an age.  I'm a big fan of art, but I do think we need to reign in the idea that if someone calls it art, we're supposed to stand around admiring dreck while speaking about it in hushed tones.

It seems there's someone for everyone.  There's even an online dating site (OkCupid) that offers a Hypochondriac Test.

It's not the air, people.



Oust Air Sanitizer, $4.29.  Claims to remove airborn bacteria.  This isn't the answer.  Most bacteria is not floating around, unless you just flushed the toilet without putting the lid down.  Makes you rethink how close your toothbrush is, now doesn't it?  

Any number of studies have shown that the problems are the sufaces.  The sink, the sink sponge, flushing the toilet with the lid up and not washing your hands as well as currency and coins.  Spraying irritants into the air won't do anything except perhaps annoy your lungs sufficiently that you're more likely to catch something.

Is making them cuddly really the right idea?




Giant Microbes, $7.95 each.  Stuffed toys that represent Stomach Ache, Sore Throat, Cough, The Flu, Bad Breath, The Common Cold and Kissing Disease.  Here's the full set:

   

While not quite as weird as the stuffed toys that represent the plagues that hit Egypt shown in this blog, I think these are pretty strange.  I'm not sure who the target audience is but I don't think the message of getting cuddly with these passes on the right idea with respect to contagion. http://www.firebox.com/product/1052

Cool words or facts:

As the economy declines, our butts expand.  People eat more sugar and work out less when stressed about the economy and their jobs.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24296399/.

Yeah, but does his butt look big in this?  



Bald penguin gets a wetsuit so he can swim again.  This quite elderly penguin is going bald and its the waterproof feathers that keep penguins warm rather than a layer of blubber as with other animals that swim in cold water.  This one was losing his feathers and was too cold, so scientists made him a wetsuit.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24311713/.

If you want a son, pick a woman who eats a lot of cheerios.  The baby's gender appears to be linked to how much breakfast cereal the woman eats shortly after conception.  Apparently a boy requires more calories than a girl.   http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=babies-sex-linked-to-mothers-breakfast-calories.

Next up, weird fast food restaurant names and menu items.  Send me your suggestions.

The blog took a week off last week because I was recovering from a week at a tradeshow and a Saturday at the zoo with my niece and nephew.

This week's theme is phones gone wrong, but first, some LOLCat captions on phones and some other strange things seen recently.

   

And my favorite:



As always, thanks to

Good thing they cleared this up.  Warning seen in large print at the bottom of a billboard for the local state lottery:

  

"Lottery games should not be played for investment purposes."

Damn it, now I'll have to go cancel that rollover from my 401k.  It turns out this warning is required by Oregon law and must be printed on each lottery ticket.  The full phrase is "Lottery games are based on chance, should be played for entertainment only and should not be played for investment purposes."  Humorous side note:  When I first typed this, I spelled it as lootery, which I certainly think is more apt.

Are the first thoughts in your mind "wow, it looks just like a keyboard" when you see this?



Wombat Keyboards, first seen on a small business near the Oakland Airport.  It turns out the brand Wombat refers to keyboards used for point of sale terminals for retail.  I am unable to imagine why this was the brand image they picked.  The only clue I was able to find was that their droppings are cube-shaped, perhaps reminding the company of keys on the keyboard.

Before we start with this week's theme of mobile phones gone wrong, I'd like to show several hilarious spoofs on cell phone technology.

I have to admit, I'd likely be one of the first to get this.

   

Handsolo cell phone implant in your hand, with speakers for the MP3 player in your thumb.  The picture above is not from the video, but does demonstrate what someone talking on it would look like.  The site below was developed by Qualcomm to show that they are innovators in the wireless market and are thinking about how it will work in the future.  

This great spoof video shows how you transfer calls with a high five and put it on speaker phone by holding your hand flat and horizontally.  The recharger and carrying case is a glove and it offers a hand vibrate option in addition to ring tones.  I'm guessing a sex toy tie-in here is possible.  Watch the very nicely done YouTube video "demonstrating" this here:  http://www.handsolomobile.com/?DCMP=ILC-hs-qnet  Thanks to my friend Sam for this link.

Best spoof on a Microsoft product:



Microsoft zunePhone.  This spoof came out right after the iPhone was released.  There's a great parody YouTube video on Microsoft's response to the iPhone called the zunePhone here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZHRvaH96TE.  Unfortunately as I've discovered before, embedding video into livejournal places it at the top of the blog rather than inline where I want it.  

In particular, take note of the flashing red LED 12:00, the way you dial and the way you take pictures.  Thanks to my friend Kelly for this link.

Coming to a tattoo studio soon near you?



Digital Tattoo, cell phone embedded under the skin of your arm and powered by blood.  http://www.physorg.com/news122819670.html

And now some real and concept phones shown to the press in the past two years.

Suggested play list:  Call Me by Blondie, Telephone Song by Stevie Ray Vaughan, Friends Don't Let Friends Dial Drunk by The White T's and Wrong Number by The Cure.

The hacking possibilities boggle the mind.



Mobile Fragrant Communications service to allow you to use your phone to choose fragrance playlists and send them to others from your cell phone.  In Japan people have devices made from silver (the thing that looks like a vase above) which can be programmed to emit fragrances.  From the information provided by the company:

Individuals in a pilot test will experiment with downloading smells from the Internet and transferring them to fragrant devices. Cell phones can even be used to turn the devices on remotely.

You can share access to your device with friends on your social network.  So it will serve you right when you come home to smell rotten eggs, dead fish or an ex's perfume or aftershave.  http://www.physorg.com/news127054890.html

I think it looks like it's broken.




Samsung Ultra Video F500 cell phone.  I admit that I will never get the idea that anyone would want to watch movies on a screen smaller than your hand.  Personally, I'll wait for the implants that project it virtually into your mind.

It will serve you right when you are mugged for your phone.



Goldvish Unique Piece, 120 carats of diamonds, $1.26 M.  Yet another example of conspicuous absurdity by those with more money than sense.  How they hell do you get the diamonds out when it needs to be replaced?  I have no idea what is with that weird part that pulls off the bottom.

What happens if you put the wrong part in your mouth and light it?  

   

Cigarette case and cell phone from China.  Do you suppose someone who owns this will try to answer their cigarette when they're drunk?  I'm disappointed that it doesn't include an embedded lighter.

If you're going to do this people, for god's sake, get a Razr.



No information on the source of this picture of someone wearing a StarTAC phone as an ear plug.  All I can say is that it will serve you right when you tear your ear off trying to answer the thing.

Gives new meaning to the term drunk dialing.



Cell Phone Flask, $12.97.  Not an actual phone and all I can say is that's a good thing.  If it was and it spilled while it was recharging, you could electrocute yourself.  And how do you explain to the people around you why you're sucking on the radio antenna?  Available at X-tremegeek.com.

Where's the snooze button?



Cell phone as clock radio?  No information on who makes this or what the intended purpose might be.  This and the next one came from this link:  http://www.techeblog.com/elephant/photo.phtml?post_key=142958&photo_key=421#prevnext

It will serve you right if someone tries to tear this open and get to the candy bar inside.



I couldn't find any information on the purpose of the little flap or the shape, which looks like a candy bar to me.

Cell phones as handcuffs?

   

NEC tag concept phone, made from allegedly bendable and shape-memorizing materials.  First shown in 2006, no information on availability.



Bracelet concept phone and MP3 player designed by Tao Ma, http://www.coroflot.com/public/individual_set.asp?sort_by=1&c=1&set_id=57990&individual_id=124172.

It turns out there are hundreds of odd concept and real phones out there.  For more pictures, click on these links:
http://cellphones.about.com/od/phoneslideshow/ss/ss_unu.htm and http://www.techeblog.com/index.php/tech-gadget/top-10-strangest-cell-phones and http://www.cellphonebeat.com/entry/top-10-concept-phones/.

Cool words and facts

I just hope they get all the splinters out before they package them.



Natex condoms, made from Brazil's rain forest trees.  The government of Brazil announced a new condom plant that will preserve the rain forest and reduce condom imports.  The condoms will be made from latex derived from the seringai trees.  They'll procduce 100 million condoms a year and employ 700 people.  Read about it here:  http://www.treehugger.com/files/2008/04/natex-amazon-condoms.php.

Speaking of Brazil and condoms:



Dresses made for charity from condoms by Brazilian designer Adriana Bertini.  Lest you fear the ick factor, they were never used.  Instead they were all made from condoms rejected at the factory when they failed the quality tests, and the average dress was made from 80,000 condoms.  The green connection here is that they would have otherwise been thrown away or incinerated.  Read about them and see more pictures here:  http://inventorspot.com/bertini_condom_couture

Next up, products for hypochondriacs and unfortunate fast food restaurant names or menu items.  Please send me any suggestions for these. 

And now for what has become the annual camping gear gone wrong blog issue.  For those interested in seeing last year's camping gear gone wrong, go here.  I've updated it to add pictures of the products shown, something early blogs didn't have.  But first, an apropos LOLCat caption.



As always, thanks to

And a tshirt on a camping theme:

    

Cannibal Marshmallows, $29.00 from noisebot.com.

Best bumper sticker seen recently:  Dissent is the highest form of patriotism

Ruh-ro.  Silliest reason seen recently to sue a retailer:  Warner Brothers now owns Hanna-Barbera and they are suing UK based sports bra retailer Boobydoo, claiming trademark infringement with the Scooby-Doo brand.  

All I can say to Warner Brothers is get a grip!  In what way is this brand confusion?  It's not as if they are selling booby-snacks or something.  I've been to their website.  They sell sports bras with an emphasis on customer satisfaction and fast delivery.  No cartoon characters or other similarities.  In a news article I read the owners claim to have never even heard of Scooby-Doo.  Thanks to NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me on 4/5/2008 for this story.

And now on to the main theme, camping gear gone wrong. .

I can only hope that bears are attracted to pink.

   

Juicy Couture Camp Survival Kit, $95.  I realize this is more for summer camp, but still.  Contains camp essentials such as a pillow, writing materials, a little electric fan and a flashlight, all in "camo" pink.  They also make a sleeping bag.

Presumably to make you blend in with all the other mall lizards who were dragged to woods by parents who are hoping you'll get over yourself sometime soon.  Available from Nieman Marcus.

Who the hell thinks the most important quality in a spoon is that it folds flat?

   

Coleman Origami spoon, $3.  What is it with these flat foldable things?  This is a lower priced competitor to the folding dinnerware from Orikaso that first hit the camping gear market a few years ago at a very high price.  I realize weight matters in backpacking, but I learned long ago that a plastic container with lid was a great set.  A bowl and plate (the lid) will hold whatever you're eating, they don't chill the food quickly the way metal does and you can carry food in them.  

   
Coleman also offers a folding bowl and cup.  To Coleman's credit, theirs have snaps.  The Orikaso product, shown here in green, stay folded by a foldover flap.  You just know the inevitable will happen when they unfold with hot liquid in them.  And if the little flaps break off at the crease, you have nothing to drink from.

Talk about camping gear that looks like it will collapse under load...



Kelsyus Outdoor Table, $119.00.  All mesh folding table with attached benches.  This looks to me like a cluster of epic proportions just waiting to happen.  They claim it will hold up to 400 lbs per bench.  

My issue is not whether or not it can hold you up in terms of not ripping, although I am dubious that it will stay locked.  My problem with this is that this sort of mesh is bouncy, much like a trampolene.  Why not just take a waterbed on your next picnic, because I suspect the end result will be much the same when people stand up or sit down.  http://www.rei.com/product/766560?vcat=REI_SEARCH

Who the hell would want to try to shower in a garment bag?



Stansport Solar Shower Shelter, $29.99.  I'm trying without success to figure out what lead the manufacturer to think that what amounts to a garment bag was the right form factor for a shower enclosure.

The good news is that anyone silly enough to buy one of these will indeed look like a dork, right before it collapses.



Fishing Bench Case, $420.  It holds fishing tackle and converts to a bench, although not - in my opinion - a very comfortable looking one.  Note that it only holds 80 kg (186 lb), which is several cases of beer too light for the average person who might want one of these.  Just take a folding camp chair and a regular rod case and tackle box.

Repeat after me:  my tent is not an RV.  Say it several times until you get over the idea that you need one of these.



Coleman tent fan and light, $39.99.  Attaches to the ceiling of any tent with magnets inside and out.  At some point you just have to say to yourself: stay home or get an RV if the elements are too much for you.  (I know, I know, friends reading this who have camped with me are snorting, given the ultra thick Therm-a-Rest pad I take.)  All I'm saying is that we all have to draw the line somewhere.  And notice that the fan blades appear to be unshielded, which is a hair disaster waiting to happen.  Cause then you'll be attached to the top of the tent with magnets too...

Camping gear for the alchemist



Portable Dry Ice Maker, $499.95.   While not strictly a camping item, something that makes ice could be used that way.  Actually, I'm not completely clear what anyone would use this for, other than as a curiosity at parties.  Afterall, what do you need dry ice for at home, except for cool special effects?  Available from Hammacher Schlemmer.

Does it play Smoke Gets In Your Eyes by Nat King Cole?  



George Forman iPod-ready iGrill, $149.99.  What is it with weird George Foreman grills?  Recall the USB grill from a past blog.  People, you do not really need to plug your iPod into every device around you, and you sure as hell don't need your barbeque to play music.  Get a portable dock with speakers or just unplug already, damn it.    

Suggested playlist:  Smoke Gets In Your Eyes by Nat King Cole, Smoke On The Water by Deep Purple, any song from the musical Grease and Light My Fire by the Doors.  iGrill available from amazon.com.

It will serve you right when you set your butt on fire.

  

Campfire Back Warmer, $19.95.  You hang this thing on your camp chair to keep your back warm by reflecting heat up toward it.  I would miss the campfire tradition of slowly rotating to warm all sides.  Available from leevalley.com.

So when someone forgets and starts the car, cosmic justice will be done by way of CO2.



BMW Air Camper inflatable tent, price unknown, as I was not able to find this for sale online.  In spite of appearances to the contrary, this apparently inflates with a low voltage fan attached to the accessory port.  So every time you open it, the air leaks out?  Or do you have to drain your battery by keeping the fan constantly running?  Either way, whether it's the CO2 or the dead battery, there's a certain darwinian justice at work here if you are silly enough to get one of these.

I found this on luxurylaunches.com, although they got it from gizmodo, who got it from...  This thing linked back to at least 6 generations of blogs.

So their target audience is the closet alcoholic?



Covert Golf Bag Cooler, $26.99.  Again with the cooler thing.  It's not that it looks odd, is built on an ATV or plays MP3s (as with other coolers I've shown in past blogs), it's that it's advertised as a covert golf bag cooler.    As the marketing copy says:

The original covert cooler. This covert golf cooler fits in the shoe pocket of your golf bag, making it easy to hide beer or soda in your golf bag. Fill up with beer, soda or your favorite beverages and enjoy a refreshing drink throughout the day. This golf bag cooler is very discreet, a soft-sided, golf bag cooler that can hold up to nine (12oz) cans of beer or soda.

Why exactly do you need a bag to hide the beer in?  Just stick it in the pockets directly with an ice pack, drink openly or buy beer from the beer cart the course operates.  http://www.keepyourcooler.com/hidden-golf-cooler.html

If you drive off and leave it attached to the outside of your SUV, is it still a violation of open container laws?

   

Magna-mug Magnetic Beer Koozie, $6.  From the misuse of beer files.  I'm not even going to comment on the second picture.  Find these plus more pictures of inappropriate places to hang your beer at magna-mug.com.  

And speaking of misuse of alcohol...

       

The WineRack, $29.95.  Sadly, I am not making up the product name.  Sports bra and wine holder.  Sports Bra?!?  If you put something carbonated in this, I suspect it would explode if you jogged.  This one definitely earns my vote for party foul of the year.

Be sure to note the animated gif above.  Sigh.  From the marketing copy, clearly written by losers who can't get closer to a real woman than a Girls Gone Wild video:

This comfortable sports-style bra contains a special hooter-enhancing polyurethane bladder that can be filled with your drink of choice. Simply slip it on, fill up with wine or whatever and wear it under your regular clothes. You can then indulge in a spot of stealth drinking via the WineRack's adjustable drinking tube. With a rack like this, girls' nights out will never be the same again. As for boys' nights out, well, the mind boggles.

As well as its revolutionary booze-concealing benefits, the WineRack™ increases your cup size by two full cups (cue sound of guys cheering/leering). But that's hardly surprising because this ingenious dual-purpose shoulder-boulder holder can carry up to 25 ounces of liquid - that's an entire bottle of wine and a whole lot of extra boobage - talk about vino and va va voom!  Nice rack.

Uh-huh.  Leaving aside what someone will think when they see you sipping from a tube that comes out of your cleavage, what's the likelihood that this thing will deflate evenly as you drink?  If your goal is to snag some guy who wouldn't notice you unless you look like a hooters server, perhaps the manufacturer is assuming you'll share your booze and he'll be too drunk by the time it's fully deflated to notice.

http://www.firebox.com/product/2061?src_t=wnw

It will serve you right if your car tips over backwards from the weight.

   

   

Party-A-CarGo hitch-mounted keg and entertainment unit, $2800.  Keg, 9" LCD screen, iPod dock, As the marketing copy says:

Party-A-CarGo offers the perfect hitch-mountable, self-contained beer kegerator/entertainment system. Tailgaters, campers, or weekend warriors can pour up to 160 ice cold beers, play 12 hours of music and watch the early games on TV without having to recharge their battery, refill their cooler with ice or clean up empty beer cans.

Thanks to an anonymous comment on my December 24, 2007 blog about truck gear gone wrong for this link.  partyacargo.com.

Suggested playlist:  The Beer Song by Weird Al Yankovic, Celebrate by Three Dog Night and American Pie by Don McLean.

 Cool words and facts:

Cool US coin facts:  A penny minted before 1982 is 95% copper.  Pennies made since that time are 97.5% zinc.  Nickels are 75% copper.  Prior to 1866, there was no coin known as a nickel.  It was introduced that year.  The pre-1866 five-cent piece was known as a half-dime and it was much smaller.  

A penny costs $0.017 to make. A nickel costs almost $0.10 to make.  There are many who would do away with penny and nickel coins in part for this reason.  Note that the solution of switching to a new metal for either isn't trivial as most vending and change machines measure weight to verify the authenticity of the coin.  The counter arguement to getting rid of pennies is that retailers would round up, which would disproportionately hurt the poor.  Note that in New Zealand, the smallest coin is the te-cent piece, as they did away with the five-cent piece in 2006.

All coins have a raised rim around the edge so they will stack.  Otherwise the raised relief engraving would prevent that.

Thanks to the article titled "Penny Dreadful" by David Owen in the March 31,2008 issue of The New Yorker for this information.  Their articles aren't online, so I can't provide a link but I encourage you to seek this issue out if  you can.

Well, that's a relief.  Toddlers can no longer marry in Arkansas.  It turns out that due to an accidental insertion of the word "not"  in the text of a bill intended to set the minimum age to marry at 18, anyone not pregnant could marry at any age. The law has now been amended.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23934694/

Next up, I'm looking for entries for cell phones gone wrong and gift for hypochondriacs, so please send me any ideas.

This week's theme is personal and pet gear gone wrong, but first, the usual stuff.

Since we had measurable if fleeting snow in Portland last week (which is highly unusual but particularly for late March), I thought these LOLCat captions were appropriate:

   

And my favorite, because of how it mocks the absurd attempts made by local news networks to make a story out of even the most trivial weather event.



As always, thanks to

Statuary for sadists with more dollars than sense.



Life-sized T-Rex statue, $57,000.  Made of resin, to order.  I say sadist because the kind of person who would order and install this hopes his (yes, always his) guests will walk through the garden and be terrified when they encounter this.  

Perhaps it can keep company with the dragon topiary I wrote about in November in this blog.  If you're going to pay this kind of money for custom "art" why on earth get what looks like a large Happy Meal prize for your yard?  Even the topiary was better than this.  Seen on luxurylaunches.com.  

Now on to this week's main theme, personal gear for people and for pets gone wrong.  Some of the pet items for this blog were found in this MSNBC article:  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23674521/

If you actually need these, going commando should not be your highest priority.  For such people, doing so should also be illegal



(under)Garment Guard, $7.95 for 7.  Disposable pad to stick in your slacks so you can go commando without risking stained pants.  Major ick factor here.  If you need this, you shouldn't even leave your home; in fact, perhaps not your bathroom.

Note that in the package shown above, it refers to these as 7 pairs.  I am pretty sure that the reason we refer to pairs of slacks, shorts, underwear, etc. is because originally they all were much like long socks attached at the waste, so there really were two of them.  This one is taking the idea that because they replace underpants they should be also called a pair too far.

Remarkably, another product made by the same company, called Skid Out isn't what you would expect; it's for removing stains left on blouses by anti-perspirant.  Both are made by the same company that makes another product I showed in the blog two week's ago called Subtle Butt.  It's unfortunate that apparently there is no law against 12 year boys starting companies, which is the only explanation for some of this stuff.

I don't care if it is the new black.



Renova Black Toilet Paper, 2 rolls for $15.   Also available in red, orange and green.  The first thing I would want to know is if the dye comes off.  The second is who the hell pays almost $8 a roll for something you flush into the sewer system?

I can only say that I hope they aren't actually fireproof, in the hopes that anyone who would actually buy these will immolate themselves.



Suck UK Smoking Mittens, $29.90.  One mitten has a hole in it so you can hold your cigarette while standing in inclement weather.  No information on whether or not the fabric is flame proof.  I can only say that I hope not.

Why not just own up to your problem and stick a pacifier in your mouth?



Crown7 Battery Powered Smoking Device, $65-150.  Simulates real smoke with nicotine relief with no harmful vapor.  Uh-huh.  More from crown7.com.

For people who want to look like they are smoking a magic marker.

    

Gamucci Electronic Cigarette, 50 Euros.  Rechargable cigarette.  The cartridges do deliver nicotine, similar to the pipe shown above, but they claim to emit no smoke.  You can tell the target audience just by the pictures of the poseurs holding these from the manufacturer website:

   

If you want a set of these, go to Drinkstuff.com.

Whatever you do, if you meet your boss while jogging, don't shake hands.



Pepper-Spray Bracelet, $30, available later this year.  Controlled by a button on the palm.  You just know you're going to slip and douse yourself.

And now, inappropriate pet gear.

I wonder if this also comes with a doggie iPod?

   

Pet Treadmill $599-799. Notice that even in the product photo, the dog is laying down.  

If you actually think your dog needs one of these, and more importantly if you think you can get the mutt to run on it, you can find it at petgadgets.com.

Blah, blah, blah, Ginger!



Talking dog bone, $21.  Allows you to record your own message so your dog can hear your voice even when you aren't there.  I suspect this will go the way of most toys that say the same annoying thing over and over again; namely into the trash within the week.  If you don't recognize the caption, read more Far Side cartoons.

It will serve you right when the neighborhood thug cats keep setting this off and then running away.



Wireless pet doorbell, $79.95.  The intent is to allow your dog or cat to signal that it's time to come in.  Of course, this thing will also wake you up when the newspaper hits the mat.  No wait, that will never happen because there is no paper delivery person in the world who can actually hit the mat.  They always aim for the bushes, the trees or the birdbath.

Can you imagine telling people that you are the product manager of the "Turtle Dock"?



Turtle Dock, $13.99.  "Self-leveling" plastic dock to allow your turtle to get up out of the water.  Please, the thing is made of plastic.  Self-leveling, my ass.  It's plastic people; it floats.

Guaranteed to be a pontoon party boat for the neighborhood raccoons, making it easier for them to get to all parts of your pond.



Solar Alligator Decoy with Light Up Eyes, $89.98.  An allegedly realistic looking alligator head, intended to float in your pond to keep away pond predators.  Sort of an aquatic scarecrow.  And what is with that little tiny alligator on the snout?  

So maybe this works in the deep south (although I'm skeptical), but having lost a pond full of stuff - including a very expensive lotus - to a pack of raccoons, I'm guessing this won't help much in Portland Oregon.

Pet harnesses for people who need to get a grip, and not on their small pet.



Super Pet Comfort Harnass for rabbits, ferrets and guinea pigs, $5.99.  Given how the product pictures how them being unnaturally cinched in at the waste, I'm questioning the comfort part.  I'm also questioning the wisdom of walking a rabbit.  Unless, of course, the goal is to attract every predator on the block while simultaneously tramatizing the poor thing.  Get a yard.

Just get a doll house, damn it, and leave the poor creatures alone.



Hamster Potty, $5.17.  Tiny little litter box (5.75" x 3.5") for your hamster or gerbil, for people who should be playing house with dolls instead.  Potty litter sold separately, $2 each.

Cool words and facts:

The Apple logo makes you more creative than the IBM logo.  Researchers showed subjects subliminal images of logos and found the Apple logo subjects were 30% more creative.  Given that most Apple products cost three times as much, I have to wonder if it would work as well to apply a sticker to a generic brand.  http://www.informationweek.com/story/showArticle.jhtml?articleID=206904786

And you thought getting your paper airplane all the way down the hall was impressive.  Paper airplanes from space.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23827045/. 

Can I listen to that piece of paper?  Oldest audio recording found, and it was made 20 years before the phonograph, it was recorded on a piece of paper.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23835160/ 

And you thought your job was bad.  Imagine being the lab assistant who had to take samples for this one.  The toilet stall in the middle has more bacteria than the ones on the ends.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23727879/ 

Next up: the annual camping gear gone wrong blog.

This week's main theme is more gadgets gone wrong, but first, the usual stuff.

LOLCat captions on a theme of computer messages and error messages.

   

As always, thanks to

So how do you decide how much of a bunny is 1/4? 



Nutrition label from my Dove Chocolate Easter Bunny, showing the serving size of 1/4 bunny.  Sorry that I couldn't get a picture which is more clear.  I don't know why this struck me as amusing, but a label that lists the serving size as 1/4 bunny seemed funny to me yesterday as I was munching off the ears.  

I think you could definitely find some funny nutrition labels if you look.  I'll leave it to your imagination (which is frequently better than anything I could say here) but I'm picturing candy that is molded like various body parts or creatures.  I invite readers to submit real or imagined serving suggestions to this blog.

Coolest gadget seen recently.



Bluetooth Laser Virtual Keyboard, $149.99.  Projects a virtual keyboard on any flat surface and plays simulated key clicking sounds as you type.  Connects to a PC, PDA or phone via bluetooth.  This thing has been out for at least a couple years, but was apparently the object of a number of lawsuits on who owned it, which delayed its general release.  I'm hoping to get my hands on one soon to try it out, as I haven't really seen a credible review of how well it works, especially in bright light conditions.  If anyone reading this has any information on this, please comment here.

Because your first clue wasn't the smell?



Arm & Hammer Odor Alert Clumping Cat Litter, with "revolutionary color changing technology so you can more easily see the source of the odor and remove it before you smell it".  As if cat litter used even once doesn't alert you by smell?  If you are one of those people who can ignore the smell, are you really going to notice the color?

In a much more teresting application of the same idea, a search for this stuff turned up some cat litter that changes color only if there is indication of too much sugar, too much protein etc. present in the urine with the intent to alert you to health problem.  Not a bad idea if it works because you sure as hell aren't going to get your cat to pee on a little stick, at least not unless you can convince him or her that it is a priceless possession instead.

And now, on to the main theme this week:  more gadgets gone wrong.

Ok, it's not bad enough that people have gnomes or that they light up.  Now someone felt the world needed instruction on how to select one.



Solar powered gnomes, $35-75.  Remarkably there is an article on eHow on how to select them.  Who the hell would want one, let alone write an article on how to select these?  How hard can it be?  Just throw out all sense of good taste and pick one.  Or, the gods help you, several.  If you do want to read the article, go here:  http://www.ehow.com/how_2055192_select-solar-powered-garden-gnome.html  These can be purchased on amazon.com, among other sources. 

This week I found another entry for the footwear gone wrong category.

Definitely not the shoe to wear if you intend to jitterbug.



Electric Cinderella stun gun shoe, concept only, no price available.  The heel delivers 100,000 volts, activated by the control on the matching earring.  Which means you'll short out the server room if you forget and reach up to adjust your jewelry when you're walking across the raised floor.

This was originally conceived as an artwork to call attention to the security issues facing street prostitutes.  I agree that this issue should be resolved, IMO by legalizing and regulating prostitution.  My concern here is that if you have time to grab your ear and deploy your shoe when threatened, is there some reason you aren't grabbing a taser instead?  Afterall, they do now offer tasers in a leopard print, as shown in this blog a few week's ago.

An $8000 computer when an $800 computer and some spray paint would do.



Voodoo Omen gaming PC, $6500 - 8000.  You can customize it by selecting the color of the case, keyboard, etc. (I selected poison purple for this photo) for $1058.  You can add "tattoos" for about $350 each.  You also get to select the color of CPU coolant called the upercharged ntercooler that is pumped through it.  The same company sells a range of notebook PCs called Envy that weigh in at 16 lbs.

I have no objection to the idea of a computer that is more interesting than the usual beige or grey waste basket look alike.  My main objection here is the absurd price.  I'd object to the weight of the notebook as well, but I figure anyone silly enough to carry one around simply because they think it looks cool deserves whatever they get.

If an umbrella flashes in the forest and there's not one there to see, is it really raining?



Ambient Weather Forecasting Umbrella, $99.99.  It receives the forecast from Accuweather once per day and alerts you if you need the umbrella.  Blue LEDs in the handle flash when rain or snow is expected.  

This begs the question of whether you will see it in time.  Afterall, if you thought you might need it, do you really need the flashing lights to tell you it's started raining, or is the downpour ruining your do enough of a clue?  Too bad no one is making an umbrella to alert you that you need to get a grip.  Available from thinkgeek.com, as is this next product.

A shirt for all the borg wanna be's out there.  Dude, just give in and get the neural implants already.



Thinkgeek.com Wi-Fi Detector Shirt, $29.99.  It runs on 3 AAA batteries and the wi-fi decal must be peeled off before laundering.  From the marketing copy:

The glowing bars on the front of the shirt dynamically change as the surrounding wi-fi signal strength fluctuates. Finally you can get the attention you deserve as others bow to you as their reverential wi-fi god, while geeky chicks swoon at your presence.

Uh-huh.  More likely the women in question collapsed from weakness after laughing so hard.  See below in cool words and facts on why laughing has this effect.

If I had control of a hotspot and saw someone wearing one of these, I'd immediately start turning it on and off in a pattern that spells out "I'm a loser" in morse code.  

USB gadget most likely to get you fired after it repeats what you said about your boss while he or she is standing there.



USB Parrot, $40.  It listens to what you say, then repeats it back at random intervals.  Definitely a sort of self-selector for the career darwin awards if you are in the habit of complaining about your co-workers while sitting at your desk.  Available from drinkstuff.com.  I wonder if it is likely to eat the next entry here?

It will serve you right if you lose all your data when your kid breaks it open to read the fortune.

   

Freshly Baked 2GB USB drive, $49.95.  Available in blue, green, pink and red as well as the yellow shown.  You can also get doughnuts, pizza, sandwiches and hotdogs.  What is it with making USB drives look like food?  From vavolo.com.

You just know that anyone who buys on of these is going to stick their mechanical pencil into it.



iSharpener USB Pencil Sharpener, $25.  I can't reconcile the idea of someone silly enough to plug assorted gadgets into a computer via USB with someone who needs to sharpen a pencil.  

It's also my experience that no matter how carefully you open the hopper that stores the shavings, they fly everywhere.  This means that anyone who hooks up one of these will soon learn the overdue lesson that actions have consequences.  Damn it, just use a manual pencil sharpener or get a mechanical pencil.  And no, you don't need a USB connection to advance the lead, either.

Of all the emergency items to keep in your wallet, somehow this one doesn't make my short list.



Wallet Emergency Cufflinks, $16.  I wonder why they don't also make an emergency cutout tie?  Or an entire tux perhaps.  From the marketing copy:

I can't even speculate on what the TSA screener will think of this thing when it runs through the x-ray machine.  To me the look like components for bomb making.

Did you really want to kiss someone who is so clueless that they need to carry one of these?

   

Kissme Bad Breath Detector, $18.95.  If you rank (sorry, pun intended) that high on the hydrogen sulfide scale, I'm guessing no one will ever even get into an elevator with you, let alone close enough for a lip lock.  Spend the money on dental hygiene products instead.  Also from thinkgeek.com.

Cool and awful words and facts

Why does laughter make us weak?  Turns out it is in fact the laughing and not just the exhalation of a lot of air.  Fake laughter did not have the same effect as a real belly laugh.  http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=532258 

Text messaging your way to debtor's prison.  Many countries in Europe are seeing an alarming trend: rapid loans available by SMS.  Text message ads in Sweden, Finland and elsewhere offer instant loans of around $500, with a typical $50 fee and must be repaid in 30 days.  Another reason to add a breathalizer to your phone.  In addition to stopping drunk dialing, you need to stop drunk or impulse loan apps.  http://www.popsci.com/gear-gadgets/article/2008-03/texting-your-way-debt 

It takes 1000 tons of water to produce 1 ton of grain.  Article in Christian Science Monitor on how water shortages will lead to food shortages.  http://www.csmonitor.com/2008/0320/p17s01-sten.html

Next up, personal care products and pet gear gone wrong.

Good news!  I upgraded to a paid blog, so there won't be any more ads shown.  While the ads occasionally provided entertainment or blog fodder themselves - such as the camping chair that will hold 750 lbs - all in all, I think we can do without them.

This week's theme is gadgets gone wrong.  It crosses the boundaries of past blogs as it includes USB devices, shoes, and gear for gamers gone wrong.  But first, the usual stuff.

LOLCat captions on a tech support theme.

   



As always, thanks to

Bumpersticker seen this week:

Chaos, panic, disorder...
my work here is done.

While it didn't specify, I believe this refers to W's legacy.

As an addendum to last week's inappropriate shoes:

Shoes for the guy hoping to be beat up on the dance floor at the local nightclub.

   

Men's Fish Tank Platform Shoes, $69.99, available in black, white or zebra.  I was very disappointed that the zebra option had no picture I could locate.  This makes the silver Gucci shoes shown in this blog look better.  The best thing I can say about these is that the fish aren't real.

The main theme this week is gadgets gone wrong.  I found these from several sources, including articles in PC Magazine online titled 10 Alternative Gadgets for Your Home, 10 Futuristic Technologies for Your Office and and Top 10 Strangest Health Devices and the website Bim Bam Banana.  Thanks to my friend Dianna for some of these articles.

iPod speaker aquarium for the vile owners of the bookshelf aquarium seen in this blog.



iPond, $60.  This one does include a real fish (a betta, also known as a Siamese fighting fish) but the tank is less than 7% of the size experts say this specific type of fish needs to survive.  There are also issues with it not getting sufficient oxygen.  No information on how you feed it or clean the tank.  And since the speaker is in this device, the sound is also being blasted into its little tank. 

Suggested playlist:  Torture Me by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Fish Song by The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band and Love You To Death by Judas Priest.

Perhaps not a suprise that the company selling it features a banana logo.  Can you say compensating for something?



TV Remote Control Gun, $79, sheriff's badge included with every order.  They claim it makes "a realistic gunshot sound".  Given the hearing damage an actual realistic gun noise will make, I'm skeptical.  The website where you can order this - Bim Bam Banana - needs no further comment.  From their About page:

The shop BIM BAM BANANA has the gift you didn't know existed for the man that has everything. In this genre both wireless fart machines and mini closed circuit TVs belong. 

Sigh.  Available from bimbambanana.com.

Just unplug long enough to get clean, damn it.



Shower Radio and Clock with Wireless Caller ID, $49.95.  Let's you see who is calling while you bathe.  And when you do, you're then going to do what about it?  Dash out all wet and die when you slip on the rug and break your head open?  Grab the cordless phone and ruin it when it gets wet?  Get a grip, people.  

All I can say is thank the gods we don't yet have video phones.  Although it would almost certainly guarantee the telemarketers would never call that home again.

And speaking about needing to unplug...



iPod Toilet Paper Roll Holder, $229.  Allows you to dock your iPod into the toilet paper roll holder in your bathroom.  Remarkably this thing is presently sold out.  

Suggested playlist:  Get A Grip by Aerosmith, Piss Factory by Patti Smith and Shake Your Bon-Bon by Ricky Martin.

Next time the news makes you say "oh, shit" you'll be prepared.



rsstroom reader personal news delivery system, concept product only.  It connects wirelessly to your computer and then prints the latest news via RSS feed directly on toilet paper.  Allegedly there's a sensor that responds when weight is put on the toilet seat, so the news isn't printed when no one is there.  No information on what you do if it's a slow news day.  If I had one of these, I'd set it to cover any news on the present US administration; at least that way the new would be put to good use.

Dance Dance Revolution for your fingers?



USB Disco Dance, $63.  Plug it into a USB port to play.  You mimick the dance moves by pushing buttons with your fingers.  Suggested playlist:  White and Nerdy by Weird Al Yankovic, anything by Nerf Herder, and I'm A Loser by The Beatles.

Geek gift that really sucks.



USB Desk Vacuum Cleaner, $64.  Intended to let you clean up dust and crumbs in your cube or gaming cave.  I'm pretty sure anyone who needs this won't ever use it.

Just go ahead and buy the inflatable doll already. 



Speaker that talks along with the sounds coming out of it, from Japan, no information on price or availability.  You hook this up to your phone or PC via USB cable.  I can't help but think of this as an inevitable sort of phone sex.

Suggested playlist:  (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones,  This Kiss by Faith Hill and Lick It Up by Kiss.

Seen here:  http://www.phoneyworld.com/newspage.aspx?n=1668

The olifactory implications don't bear thinking about, let alone experiencing.



USB-powered Butt Cooler, no information available, as the site is in Japanese.  The seat cushion is powered by a fan driven off your USB port that blows cool air upwards.  I feel pretty much about this as I do about seat warmers in cars - that isn't the body part that needs assistance with temperature control.

The must-have accessory for anyone who buys the butt cooler.

   

Subtle Butt Disposable Gas Neutralizers, $9.95 for 5.  The idea is that you stick these inside your underwear and they will neutralize the odor of flatulence.  The YouTube video showing how to apply these to briefs or a thong, all musically accompanied by Ride of the Valkyries and the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah can be seen here:  http://www.garmentguard.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWCATS&Category=8.

And finally, speaking of body parts that need assistance...



Internet Urinal, since discontinued.  I spoke too soon last week in the blog when I commented on the energy bar for gamers called Headshot, suggesting that they also needed to include something in the way of a catheter for people unable to step away from the computer to answer various calls of nature.  Turns out a number of geek gear websites were recently selling a urinal marketed at gamers who didn't want to leave the computer long enough to pee.  

So far as I can tell, this isn't any different from any other such device (and at least it doesn't hook up to the USB port...) so if you are so inclined, the medical device section of your local pharmacy can assist you, at least in buying one of these.  If you are considering one of these for this reason, you need assistance beyond what you can find over the counter.

Cool or Strange words and facts:

Environmental pollution has joined self pollution as a sin.  The Vatican issued a list of new sins - including pollution - last week.  Definitely makes confession less entertaining for all concerned.   http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23557650/ 

Too bad they don't take on skin care products that promise to reverse aging and an overall inrease in sex appeal.  The maker of Airborne "miracle cold supplement" settled a class action lawsuit brought by Center for Science in the Public Interest for false advertising.  Apparently consumers spent over $23M on this product in 2006.  A quick check of the ingredients list on the box shows that it's mostly vitamin C and is a lot more expensive than regular chewable vitamin tablets.  http://www.nytimes.com/inc_com/inc1204579617407.html?ref=smallbusiness 

Too bad they can't make this work for male adolescents.  Moths can recall things they learned as caterpillars.  They did this by getting them to associate a strong scent with an electric shock.  They confirmed that the buttterflies remembered to avoid the scent after metamorphosis.  I am picturing a teeny tiny cattle (or caterpillar) prod here.   http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=88031220 

A little help from your friends.  A dolphin in New Zealand rescued two stranded whales.   http://www.stuff.co.nz/4436390a11.html  Thanks to my friend Mark for this story. 

Next up more absurd gadgets and coming soon, camping and tailgating gear gone wrong.  Please send me any suggestions for these entries.

This week's theme is footwear gone wrong, but first, the usual stuff.
 
LOLCat captions related to computer crashes.

   



As always, thanks to

Best joke heard lately:  The recent massive power outage in Florida was caused by all 3 million seniors in that state using the Clapper at the same time.  Heard on NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me.

I'm assuming they are targeting witches hoping to lure in Hansel and Gretel.  Seen recently in my grocery store:  A candy floor display for pastel M&Ms.  The caption on the top of the display encouraged me to use them for my spring decorating needs.  I like M&Ms a lot but who the hell decorates with them?  And are there rules about which colors you can use based on the season, like not wearing white shoes before Easter or after Labor Day?

Yeah, but where's the catheter?



Headshot Gamer Bar, $2.99 each or 4 for $9.99.  Energy bars that are supposed to help hard-core gamers stay awake longer at the computer.  From the marketing copy:

If it's one thing a Frag Monkey can't stand, it's sleep. Yeah, sleep is important for so many scientific reasons, but it sure does get in the way of gaming. How many times have you been going and going and just needed to secure one more objective when WHAM! your head hits your keyboard and all hope of a victory is lost? We've done it so many times we have Q W E R imprinted on our cheeks! Well, we haven't found a magic "no sleep ever" pill, but we have found a great new way to keep you awake - designed specifically for gamers! 

Headshot is a toffee flavored Guarana Infused Candy bar dedicated to the gamer lifestyle (100mg of Guarana per bar!) Headshot bars are portable, have a catchy name, and is easy to eat one handed while adding a few more kills to your tally.

Ok, so you don't need to stop gaming to eat and they are supposed to help you stay awake.  But what about when you need to pee?  Seems to me that someone needs to start marketing the whole kit, perhaps even a service where they come to your gaming cave and hook you up to a catheter.  And there is some medical evidence to suggest that guarana (with three times more caffeine than coffee) may cause seizures, so perhaps they should offer general medical monitoring as well, as part of the service.

This can't be as much fun as learning to do this with an iron.

   

Toastabags, 2 for $11.99.  The idea is that you can cook anything you can put in one of these things in a toaster.  The manufacturer claims that you can even cook eggs in this thing.  Yum Yum.   Eggs toasted in a plastic bag.  Mmm good.  I still think ironing your toasted cheese sandwiches is way more cool.  For a demo of how to do that, see the movie Benny & Joon.

I think the remote controlled shark in your pool would be less creepy.



Swim Ways Ocean Art Jelly, price not available.  Floating lighted jellyfish as decor for your pool.  Uh huh.  For people who decorate their homes with a Munsters theme.  The lighting effects are cool but there's just something about jellyfish and the way they move that is creepy.  I certainly wouldn't swim with this thing.  Why not just stock piranha?

Now on to the main theme this week:  High tech footwear gone wrong.  Most of these links come from an article in PC Magazine (http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2260545,00.asp), sent to me by my friend Dianna.  In addition to shoes that let you dust the floor as you walk around (and who needs to clean the main traffic areas, it's the corners that get dust bunnies), there are the various offerings below.

Do you call in late for work if you forgot to plug your shoes in?



iShoes, $249.99.  Strap these to your feet, press the button on the hand-held control and achieve speeds of up to 13.5 mph, operating 2-3 miles or 30 minutes on one charge.  Apparently the brake is engaged when you let up on the button, which means that if you do that accidentally, you're going to end up with road rash.  I wonder if they recommend wearing motorcycle leathers while riding these?  And can you call it road rash or is it more accurate to say sidewalk rash?  Doesn't have the same effect, does it?  Perhaps sidewalk scabies.

The manufacturer recommends that novices slow to a stop to turn and that riders wear a helmet.  At least with the Segway, you can jump off if you get into trouble.  And if you drop the hand-held control for these you'll be at the mercy of whatever bystander picks it up, giving a mental picture of a scene out of an early James Bond flick, where the evil guy in the wheelchair controls the hero with a remote.

I've fallen and I can't reach my shoe



Compass Sneaker, $325, plus a $20 monthly monitoring fee.  Shoes with built-in GPS.  Get in trouble, get lost, need help, press the button on the shoe.  Basically OnStar for your feet.  But where is the microphone and speaker, so you can talk to the operator?  

I can see the commercials now.  Instead of a guy stuck in the middle of no where with snow all over him, we'll have someone in an urban alley looking like five miles of bad road and wondering where he is.  Problem is, if you're that lost, perhaps from a night of partying, do you even still have your pants, let alone your footwear? 

Remarkably, they have over a dozen patents for these.

    

Alina Design, LED High Heels, $125.  Dress shoes with lights embedded in the lucite heels that flash as you move your feet.  I'm guessing these are for women who never quit being toddlers and wish they could still wear sneakers that light up.  Since flashing lights induce seizures in some people, can you file a medical lawsuit against the owner of these because her shoes caused your epilepsy?

If you trigger these accidentally, will an innocent passerby be arrested for soliciting?



Platform 001 Sandal, shoes for prostitues, price unknown.  From a group called the Aphrodite Project:

From the "Our Street Walkers Need to be Better Equipped" department come the platform shoes for prostitutes. Designed by the Aphrodite Project, these are the latest in greatest in hooker safety.

The shoes have an audible alarm system, which emits a piercing noise to scare off attackers. The shoes are also outfitted with a built in GPS receiver and an emergency button that relays both the prostitute's location and a silent alarm signal to public emergency services. Where there are problematic relations with law enforcement.... the shoes will relay the signal to sex workers' rights groups.

I'm all in favor of safety for sex workers, but I'm thinking climbing on top of these isn't necessarily the best way to protect yourself in the first place.

20th century technology for the 21st century.



CD Rom Shoe, concept shoe, no price available.  Includes speakers, tweeter, CD-ROM drive, and volume control.  Why the hell isn't this at least an MP3 player?  And given how often CDs in cars still skip on a bumpy road, I'm guessing this will sound like a hip hop remix even when it really isn't.  The same article also had a shoe that allows you to insert a Nintendo cartridge.  How they hell do you play your shoe?

Boombox for the feet. 



Code M MP3 playing shoes, $199.  They can broadcast to your wireless head phones or blast out tunes in from the built-in speakers, with the controls located in the tongue of the shoe.  You download music by plugging the shoe into your computer via USB cable.

At the least, these should also include speakers that play the appropriate Star Wars theme when you walk.



Star Wars slippers, $24.00.  What I want to know is does the Darth Vader version make that weird heavy breathing sound as you walk.  They look best with a cape rather than a terry bathrobe.  From thinkgeek.com.  No, really?  They're for geeks?

DIY project for someone who needs to get a life and a grip.



LED Super Geek Sandals, DIY project with instructions on how to make your own with styrofoam and spare LEDs.  Styrofoam?!?  Yeah, those will last a long time and they are so biodegradable.  And they don't even light up.  

The idea is that they offer an orthopedic benefit, massaging your feet.  Have you ever seen the inside of an LED?  If they break, you are going to stab your foot with little wires.  And that's assuming all the LEDs won't just get pushed right through the styrofoam and scratch your hardwood floors.

No idea what the TSA will make of these if you try to go through the security checkpoint.  My recommendation:  pack them in your checked bag.  Or just don't wear high heels, damn it.

       

Camileon Heels retractable high-heeled shoes, about $300.  They adjust from 3 1/4" to 1 1/2 ".  No information on whether or not the crippling pointy toe also expands.  IMO, a close-up view looks like your heel broke in the center and you used super glue to put it back together.  More information and a video at camileonheels.com. 

Cool words and facts:

So basically, they're teaching crows to steal your coca cola.  Teaching crows to operate a vending machine, with the longer term goal of teaching them to assist people.  http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=87878028

And you thought those offers for x-ray vision specs in comic books weren't real.  Scientists have developed a camera that can see through clothing.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23554544/

How can it be an octopus if it only has six legs?  Zookeepers discovered a six-legged "octopus" in the UK.  Wouldn't that be a hexapus?  http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,334853,00.html  Thanks to my friend Mark for this story. 

Next up, more gadgets gone wrong.

There's no particular theme this week, just comments on a collection of things I've seen recently.

LOLCat captions I liked recently.

        



And my favorite this week, familiar to so many of us who really wished baby wipes had existed when we were little.



As always, thanks to

Really cool shopping bags and cups.

   

   

   

This raises the question of what a similar bag for a sex toy shop might look like.  I'll leave this to your imagination.  I think it could probably have different things printed on the front and sides, so you get an amusing effect no matter how you hold it.  And if they also served beverages, well, the possibilities for the imprint on cups is endless.  

I do not know the source of any of the bags or the cup shown here, but thanks to my friend Deb for passing these along.

Do you want crystals with that?



McDonalds adds feng shui to a california restaurant.  Problem is of course that it's still the same marginal food, with dubious spiritual properties.   Note the wall mounted fountain.  I am not even going to speculate on what toddlers are likely to do with this fountain; all I can say is it could be ugly.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23300489/

Speaking of the risk of inappropriate urination, so why won't this just teach your dog to pee on the rug?



Indoor Dog Restroom, $149.95.  Restroom?!?  Can't they at least call it a toilet?  From the marketing copy:

This mat-and-tray system gives dogs a place to relieve themselves when they can't get outside for respite. Ideal for high-rise dwelling dogs, when owners aren't home, or even just for times of harsh weather, this ingenious system uses a mat made of antimicrobial pourous artificial turf that gives off an organic scent to attract dogs, so they can be taught quickly that it is an acceptable spot for relieving themselves. The mat sits on top of a plastic grate which allows liquid to drain into the included tray for easy clean-up. The turf yarn is a unique construction specially designed for use with dogs, and its antimicrobial composition help prevent odors.   

All I can say is that you'd better never have small area rugs again.  And what happens when the dog needs to do, uh, number 2?  http://www.hammacher.com/publish/74967.asp

I imagine soon we'll see mangosteen Eggos.  I wonder if they will also be 10 x the usual cost of similar items.



XanGo juice, 25 oz bottle, $37.50 per bottle.  Made from the Mangosteen fruit.  The what?  Sounds like a bad rock star name to me.  Sounds to me like yet another attempt to get consumers to spend absurd amounts of money to get an elusive promise of instant health, without effort.  People, just eat healthfully, damn it.  www.xango.com

A mental image I really didn't need.

Announcement heard recently in LAX:  "passengers are required to maintain close personal contact with their belongings at all times".  Oh yeah, I really want to see other travelers getting up close and personal with their rollaboard suitcase.

Product voted most likely to cause the owner to blow herself up.



The Copper Alembic Perfume Distiller, $350.   I suppose as useless things go, this one looks more cool than most but beyond it's historical entertainment value, I don't see this offering much use.  Anyone who has ever tried to make an infusion or an essential oil quckly learns that you need about 20 lbs of raw plant material to make an ounce of perfume.  http://www.hammacher.com/publish/75174.asp?promo=new_items

Gives a whole new meaning to the question "Did the earth move for you too?".



Inspiral condom, 12 for $11.95.   One website raves about the spring action.  Uh huh.  The mental picture that provides, of your partner being propelled into the air, certainly lightened my day.  The company which makes these also offers a dolphin styled product, but did not offer any suggestions of possible wave action.   http://www.ripnroll.com/Inspiral.htm or inspiral.tv. 

Now here's a tradeshow giveaway no other booth will have.  



Custom imprinted condoms.  This would certainly get your company more attention than the usual tshirts and pens.  Read more at ripnroll.com.  From the marketing copy:

Rock stars, monumental events, major corporations, custom condoms delivers branding where no one else can.
Custom Imprinted Condoms, is a promotional condom product line which allows organizations to print their logos and messages on a variety of condom packages. Companies use clever promotional slogans for their custom condoms  like "Let the Good times Unroll" and "Roll one out for a test drive" to promote themselves, while reinforcing the message of staying safe. Custom Imprinted Condoms make it possible for anyone, from radio stations to trucking companies, to participate in safer sex promotion with their own custom condoms message...

Branding where no one else can offer it.  Oh yeah.  Question is, exactly which target market were you hoping to reach with this imprint, and what will they think of your company at the moment they first see it?  All I can say is that if you offer these, you better pay the people who answer your phones a hell of a lot to put up with the likely crank calls that will result.

Gulliver's remote for people who wish to imagine they are on Lilliput.



Super-Sized TV Remote, $19.95.  5" by 11".  I can certainly appreciate the frustration of trying to figure out the function of 100 buttons on something the size of a cell phone and the problem with trying to push only one of the buttons at a time.  But curiously, rather than claming that this is easier to use, similar to phones with large buttons, the main claim to fame is that it's impossible to lose.  From the marketing copy:

With giant buttons, this extra-large remote is impossible to lose. Simple to program, this 6-in-1 remote controls your TV, VCR, DVD player, satellite, cable and auxiliary A/V device. It even features glow-in-the-dark buttons, so you can easily find the remote in the dark. brookstone. 

I have never yet seen a remote that people can't lose, so it seems to me that some sort of RFID chip that makes the remote beep when you push a button on the TV is more useful.  

Diabetes on a stick.



Sipahh milk flavoring straws, four for $2.95.  Flavor options:  chocolate, strawberry, banana and cookies and cream.  You drink the milk through these beads, then throw the straw away.  The goal is to make it easier for kids to drink flavored milk, with no mess and no clumps of undissolved powder.  

Please.  The goal is to sell more disposable stuff that costs a lot more.  At least the cereal milk straws I wrote about a few months ago had nutritional value, however dubious.  How about instead we quit teaching kids that everything they eat and drink has to be artificially flavored and loaded with sugar?

Why not just buy a self-contained bubble for your kids?

   

Shopping cart liners for your baby, $20-65.   The idea is to protect your child from the germs on the shopping cart.  Of course, to do that you'll have to wash this thing at least once per day, as infants spew bacteria from all orifaces all on their own.  I'm all for more hand washing and other methods of preventing infection, but it's possible to go too far. 

Any kid small enough to need this could also be in a carrier that pops out of the car seat.  Jeez people.  While you're at that store, be sure to pick up a grip, because clearly anyone who buys one of these needs one.  For more information on why this is overdoing it, see here http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6893254/

Cool words and facts

I hope this doesn't mean we should turn our thermostats way way down.  Life may have started in the water and chemicals locked up in ice.  http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=19308778

Switchbacks aren't for the lazy afterall.  Zigzagging up steep hills is actually the fastest and metabolically most efficient way to climb.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23297119/

Next up, high tech footwear gone wrong.
 

I am aware of the annoying display issues with the blog, where the text is stretched, requiring readers to scroll back and forth to read it all.  I believe I may have it fixed in this week's blog, and for the 19 before it.  I will update the older ones as time permits. Let me know if you are still having issues with that.

Before I start with the usual stuff, I wanted to solicit feedback via comments (anonymous or otherwise).  One reader of this blog suggested that the LOLCat captions detract from the rest of the content.  I believe the word used referenced my obsession with them.  I want honest feedback on this.  In the meantime, they stay.

Since this week's main theme is spy gear gone wrong, I thought spyware related LOLCat captions were appropriate.

     



And my favorite this week:



As always, thanks to

Best pool toy seen recently:



Water Cannon Electric Boat, $1995.95.  Supports up to 320lbs and can go for six hours, including continuous firing of the water cannon.  The biggest problem I see - aside from the high price - is that for real fun you have to buy two of them.  From Hammacher Schlemmer.  http://www.hammacher.com/publish/10945.asp?promo=to_action

Pimp your death rock doggie? 

   

Skull and crossbones charm for your dog, $750 to $1620, depending on precious metal and jewels chosen.  Who the hell is going to spend this kind of money for a dog collar charm?  And what's with that eery big-headed dog?  From the marketing copy:

Gothic Dog is more than the premier luxury jewelry collection for dogs. Gothic Dog jewelry allows your dog to share your appreciation for opulent fashion, and reflects your shared extravagant lifestyle.  Gothic Dog recognizes that today's pet is an integral part of the family, and provides a range of products celebrating that role. From diamond-encrusted dog collar charms to pet-friendly aromatherapy candles to unique beds, Gothic Dog's exclusive product lines are intended to encourage the connection between pets and the rest of the family. 

They are also working on some luxury products for dogs, including the bed shown below.

Swaddling clothes for your ankle biter?



Le Petit Boudoir dog bed, $115-175.  Really, I don't think I need to even comment here.  I suppose dogs that will put up with being carried around in an absurdly expensive handbag without peeing in it will tolerate this as well, but really, what self-respecting dog would want to sleep wrapped up like this?  Both the charms and the beds available are from gothicdog.com. 

Still to come from them:  dog-friendly aromatherapy candles.  Given the sorts of things dogs like to sniff, I'm not even going to speculate on what those might smell like, so I'll leave it to your imagination.

Yeah, but I bet they turn you green.  I wonder if copper polish is included?



The 5,100 Copper Filament Sheet set, $175. From the marketing copy:

Woven from a 260 thread-count polymer fabric impregnated with 5,100 copper micro-filaments per square inch, these sheets create a natural antimicrobial barrier for healthier sleeping. The hypoallergenic material exploits microorganisms intolerance for copper exposure, destroying odor-causing bacteria and allergens. The high filament count gives the fabric extraordinary moisture wicking properties (which also activates and releases the copper ions)

Excuse me, how will any filament count of copper wires wick moisture?  And if you sweat in bed and touch an electric device, do you run the risk of electrocuting yourself?  Perhaps they should come with the standard warning not to immerse in water.  

I also question the idea that sheets need to be anti-bacterial.  It's called laundering, people.  From Hammacher Schlemmer.  http://www.hammacher.com/publish/75003.asp?promo=new_items

The martians have landed, on your bedside table.



The Swiss Hot Steam Humidifier, $100.  Marketing copy tells us that "the unit stores unobtrusively on a nightstand...".  I don't think the word unobtrusive means what they think it does.   Also available in silver, but really, where's the fun in that?  http://www.hammacher.com/publish/74979.asp

Speaking of appliances that look like space aliens...

Perhaps this is really an alien invasion, and they are hoping enough people will take them home, so they can take over...

   

Superheated Anti-bacterial Steam Cleaner, $99.95.  I don't object to the idea; I do think this looks like a robotic cross between a puffin and a handvac.  From the marketing copy:

Just aim the nozzle, press the trigger, and a powerful stream of pressurized steam makes dirt, grime and crud disappear from grills, stove tops, toilet bowls, lawn mowers, car interiors, shower doors, tile walls — even the greasy, grimy engine bay of a 50 year old Ferrari!

Well, that's a relief: next time I have occasion to steam clean a vintage Ferrari engine I'll know right where to go.  Available from the Herrington catalog, http://www.herringtoncatalog.com/h679.html.


Now on to the main theme, spy gear gone wrong.  In addition to the usual stuff, including cameras that look like a baseball cap, a lighter and sunglasses, as well as cameras that look like clock radios, air filters, books, a box of baby wipes and calculators, I found all kinds of stuff no one should have.  Not surprisingly, perhaps, many of the most offensive were related to spying for the purpose of catching a cheating spouse.  I bring you a sampling of the worst here, as found searching various spy and protection gear sites including Euro Spy Shop, Covert One Security and others.

Oh yeah, when they see this thing coming, they won't suspect a thing...

   

Hummer Spy Cam Remote Control Truck, $300.  Video camera on the vehicle and high resolution monitor on the remote.  With working headlights (for nighttime spying, we're told).  The front wheels can be aligned, but for the life of me I can't figure out why you'd need to.  1/14th real size, or 15" x 9".   As anyone who knows me knows, I am offended by Hummers in general, and a monster truck version of same, even toy sized, is no exception.  This thing also showed up on a number of sites selling toys and was not described there as anything but a remote-controlled toy.

What I find curious about this is that it showed up on a number of spy gear sites, with the message that it could be used for surveillance.  When doing a stake-out, I thought you usually used a non-descript vehicle.  I would think the same principal would apply to remote-controlled vehicles, so perhaps something like a silver Ford Focus would be more appropriate.  I can't imagine this thing would go unnoticed in the parking lot of your local hot sheets motel, and might very well get you shot by the guys doing a drug buy if they see this thing. http://www.covertonesecurity.net/proddetail.asp?prod=SA%2D700201BC

I am trying without success to imagine a scenario where this is your first line of defense for personal protection.



Fake Blood Capsules, 3 per jar, $8,95.  From a spy gear website:

There are hundreds of potential uses for these movie-quality blood capsules. Its true that nobody wants contact with blood today. Simply pop a capsule in your mouth or in a shirt pocket and begin the appropriate scenario.

Sadly, the site didn't describe what the appropriate scenario might be.  The mind boggles.  I suppose if you are caught in flagrante delicto with someone other than your spouse, you could quickly deploy one of these in an attempt to distract attention from what you were really doing, but then really, how do you explain the dog collar and leash or the restraints?  I invite alternate scenario suggestions posted in comments here.

Now tell me again how you're going to get a sample for this?



5 Panel Drug Test Kit, $40.  Uses a urine sample to test for cocaine, marijuana, amphetamines, opiates and PCP.  If the intent here is employment related, why don't they use a local lab?  And if it's for a family member, how do you plan to get the specimen?  If your spouse asked you to pee in a cup would you think drug test or a previously unsuspected fetish?  Available from CovertOneSecurity.com.

I think the screen graphic says it all.



Portable Voice Stress Analyzer, $99.  Oh yeah, because this sort of thing is so accurate.  Jeez.  From the marketing copy, completely with all caps provided by the site:

To Train The VSA To The Individual Human Voice, Ask Your Subject 3 Yes/No Questions And Then Record The Voice To Establish A Baseline. Then Ask The Real Yes/No Questions And Watch The Figure On The Screen. The Figure Will Graphically Display The Amount Of Stress In The Respondents Voice.

So how exactly do you nonchalantly ask 3 yes/no questions without tipping your suspect off?  Unfortunately there was no example to see if you get an angel graphic if the answers are true.

Gives a whole new meaning to the term undercover investigation.



CheckMate Semen Detection Kit, $49.  The idea is that you can use it to detect a cheating spouse (male or female) by testing their underwear.  Issues of invasion of privacy aside, the ick factor here is beyond belief.  And  at the risk of being indelicate, if you're testing a man's underwear, how would a positive result prove another person was involved?  Read more at getcheckmate.com.  Warning, the testimonials on this site should be considered NSFW (not safe for work).  From the perspective of good taste, they aren't safe for anyone, so visit at your own risk.

If your underwear or toothbrush goes missing...

Going a step further, there's a lab that will compare samples and tell you if they match.  For around $350, TestInfidelity.com performs tests on samples you send in to see if they match.  From their website:

there is semen on your partner's underwear. You want to see if this semen is yours, so you send us your partner's underwear along with your DNA sample (e.g., a swab sample). We compare the DNA from the semen with your DNA from the swab sample to see if the semen is yours.

Or let's say you suspect that the semen may be your friend's.  You can submit a forensic sample from your friend (e.g., a used toothbrush, etc.) to see if the semen is your friend's.

Instead of investing time and money into these tests, perhaps some quality time together out of town or a visit to a marriage counselor is better.

Spygear designed by 12-year old boys.



Shomer-tec Underwear Brief Safe, $11.  From the marketing copy:

Items can be hidden right under their noses with these specially-designed briefs which contain a fly-accessed 4" x 10" secret compartment with Velcro closure and "special markings" on teh lower rear portion.  Leave teh "Underwear/Brief Safe" in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room - even the most hardened burglar or most curious snoop will "skid" to a screeching halt as soon as they see them.  (Wouldn't you?)  One size.  Color:  white (and brown).

Sigh.  The manufacturer also offers "doo doo drops" to add realistic smell for $9.  Please.  If someone picks these up to check if the stain is real, don't you think the wad of cash in the crotch is a dead giveaway?  They also have an entire line of "special ingredients" sprays and liquids to simulate or induce various other body fluid events.

Cool words and facts

A meat market that serves no meat?  The first known vegan strip club, called Casa Diablo, opens in Portland Oregon, and it's smoke-free as well.  

Harness then energy of your small children? Scientists have developed a microfiber fabric that can harness electricity generated by the movement of the wearer.  The also think a breeze could do the same, perhaps a new form of wind energy. If nothing else you could power the lights that shine on the US flags in front of every Burger King.  Read more here:  http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/shirt_dc  Thanks to my friend Lou for this one. 

Popcorn water ballet?  The Popcorn Board (yes, there's a food industry board for everything) has a video on their website that shows popcorn kernels popping in slow motion.  The music playing sounds a bit like the music track played in new age bookstores.  You can look at it here:  http://www.popcorn.org/images/SlowMotionPopcorn1.wmv

A whole new reason to eat whole grain bread and cereal.  Whole grains help you lose more belly fat than a diet without them.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23256171/ 

I wonder if he will be fired if he drinks coffee or soda at a business lunch?  There really is a job title for Chief Beer Officer.  The Sheraton Four Points hotel chain recently decided to create the job to make microbrew beers part of their signature offering and the guy with this title will head up that effort.  I want a job with that title too.  http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=19061433 

Next up: not sure yet, as I have several suggestions from friends that are now in development.  Maybe weird high-tech shoes, maybe weird medical devices and later this spring, the semi-regular camping gear gone wrong blog.  In any event, check back every Monday.

This week's main theme is luggage gone wrong.  But first, the usual stuff, starting with LOLCat captions I've liked recently:

       



Kitty amusement park ride?  My favorite this week:



As always, thanks to

Best book title seen recently:



Drunk, divorced and covered in cat hair.

Warning:  This next item includes URLs that are NSAW (not safe at work).  There are also a number of minor puns, for which I offer no apology.

A whole new meaning to the concept of worshipping on your knees.

   

Book22.com, "Intimacy products for married couples".  This is a website offering sex toys for christians.  For reference, book 22 is the Song of Solomon, also known as the Song of Songs, a book in the Old Testament that can most certainly be read as erotic poetry.  Note that the underwear offered (shown above) aren't completely edible.  Just the candy on the strings.  I'm guessing it's that awful candy that usually comes on elastic strings to be worn as bracelets.  Get a grip people - use real candy or better yet, Hershey's syrup. 

The site offers the usual: vibrators, cock rings, condoms, lubricants, edible underwear etc.  I want to state up front that I'm all in favor of sex toys for anyone who wants them.  What I find curious is that the woman who founded the company felt that other "marital aid" sites were not compatible with her christian beliefs.  This puzzles me as this company offers standard fare so far as I can see, with the possible exception that no DVDs or bondage equipment is sold.  Although for another site that explains how these are also ok, see below.  Book22 also claims to sell these products to married couples only, although I didn't see any evidence that they demand a copy of a marriage certificate.

If they covered this stuff in sermons I'm guessing more people would stay awake in church.

   

The products sold include a peculiar looking device, a disposable vibrating tongue ring, promising a snug fit for "any size tongue".  It's called the Tongue Dinger.  I'm not even going to touch that one.  And what's with making it disposable?  If this is for married people only, safer sex isn't the issue.  They also offer Like A Virgin Gel, claiming "unique tightening".  Yikes, sounds like super glue to me.  The site promises not to use words or pictures which are offensive, which explains why it refers to vibrators as "aids" and cock rings as "jelly rings".  Apparently people like me who are offended by blatant euphemism don't count.  The About page tells us that they require the manufacturers to provide all products in plain packaging, to avoid pictures of nude people, taking some of the fun out of it, IMO.

There is also a list of resources, including a site that discusses the scriptural grounds supporting various sexual practices so long as the participants are a man and woman married to each other.  For more, including an explanation of how it isn't sodomy - and yes, I mean all possible interpretations of that term - so long as it's a married man and woman, visit themarriagebed.com.  As I said before, NSAW.

I found out about this site from an NPR news story,
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=18975616, which is safe for work.

Think twice before picking up that magazine at the dentist's office.



Ad for Welch's grape juice, with a lickable strip called Peel 'n Taste.  Yuck.  Even if you buy your magazine yourself from the local news stand, are you really sure no one else was there first?  First Taste, the company who created the tech used here claims that once peeled it can't be sealed again, but still.   Would you trust them?  For the foolishly brave, you can find it in this this weeks People magazine.

Curiously, the website for the company that developed the strips (firstflavor.com) shows pictures of generic soda, fresh produce and kids brushing their teeth.  I am sincerely hoping they aren't suggesting ads for Crest toothpaste.  Perhaps if they combined these with ads for the site in the prior item more people would be willing to pay to get copies of Awake! and Watchtower!.

For when a Hummer just isn't enough.



Ford Alton F-650 XUV, $200,000.  Shown at the Chicago Auto Show last week.  It offers a 7.2L Caterpiller engine, hardwood floors and a sound system with 42 speakers.  Apparently that last so that people on all eight lanes of the freeway can hear whatever right wing talk radio whack job you're listening to.  For an idea of scale, note the relative height of the literature stand next to it, and the fact that the running board has two steps.

What, no gun ports? 

It has a gross vehicle weight of 25,999 pounds.  Whew, that's a relief!   They didn't go over 13 tons.  Why the hell not just buy a Bradley Fighting Vehicle?  They apparently also make a pickup truck version of this, I guess for people who need to haul around smaller pickup trucks or something.  For more pictures of this behemouth go to http://www.autoblog.com/photos/alton-mfg-f-650-xuv/628747/full/. 

And now for this week's main theme:  Luggage gone wrong.   Many of these entries came from this slide show:  http://www.forbestraveler.com/gadgets-gear/hi-tech-luggage-slide.html

Just the thing for the exec on the go who is working on the next top secret M&A deal.



See-through attache case made by designer Hideo Wakamatsu.  The expectation is that this will somehow make it easier to find things.  Given that you're likely to have either a bunch of papers or a laptop or both in it, the only thing you're going to see is the outside layer of whatever is in there.  It will serve you right if that turns out to be the most recent copy of Playboy or for that matter, Martha Stewart Living.

You just know a bunch of boomer geeks are going to name it Astro.  Luggage that heels. 



Luggage that follows you around, still in the concept phase.  It responds to a wireless signal from a watch-type device you wear.,   Just what we need, luggage that someone else could hijack electronically.  Most people can't control their luggage when they'are pulling it and most people can't control their dogs either.  This combines the worst of both worlds.  From the marketing copy on the slide show of the website:

Fido runs on four wheels that are independently controlled, which allows it to rapidly change direction and spin around on the spot.

Spin around?  Luggage as whirling dervish?  Notice the curly "tail".  Who wants to be followed by something that resembles a side of pork?  

There's no information on how it would handle escalators or curbs, but the site does tell you that it charges it's batteries if you drag it down an incline.  I wonder if airports will need runaway luggage ramps next.  You can watch video of this and learn more at www.yeadon.net/yeadon/support/projects/0409/0409.swf .

Just what we need, luggage that will ask you if its butt looks fat.



Luggage that reports its weight.  What were they thinking?  Did it occur to no one that this is a relatively trivial issue.  Most homes have a scale and all airports do.  And I'm guessing the electronics might look a bit dodgy to TSA luggage screeners.

Luggage for poseurs who sit around in dark nightclubs with dark sunglasses on.

   

Luggage as furniture.  Transforming Suitcases.  They turn into a chair, a chest of drawers/book case and a light.  From one blog:

Particularly useful for anyone with an irrational fear of ending up in an unfurnished hotel room. One suitcase doubles as a chair for resting in the check-in line, another resembles a chest of drawers, and an attaché-shaped case opens up to serve as a fluorescent light. 

Unless you have a need to read x-rays while waiting to board your flight, who the hell needs a lightbox?  In general, I feel like this is an extension of messing with coolers, a topic of many past blogs.  Some things aren't supposed to be other things.  And except perhaps for a bag that doubles as a cot or hammock, luggage as furniture will not help the average delayed or stranded traveler.  For most of us, we are long past the security check point before we realize we wish we had a comfy chair and a portable library of books to help us through the weather or labor-related flight delays.  

Oh yeah, the TSA will let this into the gate area...



80,000 Volt Electric Attache case.  Briefcase as taser.  Sounds a 107 db alarm followed by delivery of an 80,000 volt shock via a remote if someone tries to steal it.  And I'm guessing,  if you sit on the remote, you might short out the fuel line running above the overhead bin  in the prop plane you're traveling on.  From the Euro Spy Shop.  http://www.eurospyshop.com/80000voltelectricsuitcase_p_321.html  Requires 16 batteries.  Yes, I said 16.


If a turtle that looks like this ever crawled up to me, I'd run screaming.




Samsonite Tartaruga (turtle in Italian) hard shell backpack, $295.  This is wrong on so many levels I won't even start.

The luggage with a name that makes it sound like it's from an escort service.



Henk Travelfriend.   If you have a spare 20 Grand, you'll of course drop it on a suitcase.  Yes, $20,000.  Or you could just buy fractional jet ownership and not worry about checking your bag.  www.henk.com 

Luggage for Hannibal Lector wanna-bes.

   

Samsonite Hero AI1 Upright suitcase, $750.  Luggage for those who want to look like they're transporting a human torso.  From the marketing copy:

The hero piece in the collection takes design inspiration from the human rib cage. McQueen [sic, the designer] took a mold of a male torso and began to work from there. “The human ribcage protects our vital organs as we move about in the world. Luggage takes on the same role as we travel and pack our worldly possessions inside for safe transport, ” said McQueen at the Samsonite launch of his new collection. Available in both bone and black, the hero piece boasts a ribcage and sternum outline in the front, and a backbone on the back. 

Uh-huh.  I'm sorry, this just looks creepy.  No data on whether or not it's avaiable covered in human skin.

Cool or strange words and facts:

Finally, science vindicates me.  I've always been skeptical of artificial sweeteners.  Not only do I think they taste weird, I always thought there would be a payback.  Scientists have now discovered that artificial sweetener is linked to weight gain.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23097135/ 

Addicted to the internet or yoga?  Never fear, relief is now available.  Exorcism on the rise to combat these "ills".:  http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/02/10/AR2008021002435.html  I wonder if they'll also reinstate the Auto de fe and raise money for the local parish by allowing others to watch for a fee.

Sure, it gets better from here.  Middle age makes us depressed but then things get better as we get old. I'm guessing memory loss accounts ofr at least some of that and we just don't realize it.  http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Depression/story?id=4208216&page=1 

Is that a lizzard in your toolbox or a bottle of Elmers?  Glue not just from mussels (last week) but from geckos?  Scientists are studying ways to make adhesives work the way gecko feet do.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23073427/ 

Next up: spy gear gone wrong.

This week, some ads and images I've liked recently and green products gone wrong.  But first:

Favorite LOLCat captions seen recently, and yes, I know it's obvious I chose them for their cuteness factor.

        

   

While this LOLCat entry on ICHC includes the same picture I showed here a couple weeks ago, this one has a different caption that I think is even better.



As always, thanks to

Is this an attempt to guarantee clean elections?



Picture shown on the MSNBC website on Super Tuesday last week, depicting people voting in a laundromat.

Best ad seen in a long time (with apologies, pun intended).



Ad for Durex Extra Large condoms.

Way more cool than those typical carnival face painting efforts.

   

Hand painting.  I found this really great site showing hand painting.  Please go to http://www.thatwasfunny.com/hand-painting/1082 to see many more examples of this sort of artwork.

It's not enough to try to convince us their products will get us love, now they have to try to convince us they'll make us thinner as well?



Fuze Slenderize Guilt Free Lip Gloss from Too Faced, $18.50.  Guilt-free?  Who the hell feels guilty about their makeup, except those who should feel guilty for spending this much money for lip gloss?  And lip gloss that helps you lose weight?  Please.  It's the same brand name as the new drink from Coke called Fuze.    From the marketing copy:

Quench your thirst for a beauty buzz with FUZE Slenderize Guilt Free Gloss. Infused with the healthy, delicious fruit flavors and appetite curbing energy boasting ingredients found in FUZE Slenderize beverages. One Delicious dab on the lips will give you a taste of what all the Hollywood starlets are losing it over! Always on the lips, never on the hips!

The idea is that the ingredients suppress your appetite.  Analysis by various nutritional specialists suggest it would take several $1.50 bottles of the drink a day to achieve the effect.  I can't speculate on how many $20 tubes of lip gloss are needed. Read more here:  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23015432/

Tickle your fancy?  Nuh-uh.



Fukuoku Waterproof Massage Glove, $49.  Right, massage glove.  I have no objection to sex toys, but this one looks more like something intended for the ski slopes to me.  Reviews from bloggers who tried it after seeing it at the Adult Entertainment Expo recently were lukewarm at best.  I invite you to decide for yourself how to pronounce the company name.  Available from the Playboy store.

Yeah, but will it make them larger?

   

Extensor, a prototype device intended to help prevent or repair repetitive motion injuries.  While this might also look like a lame attempt at a sex toy, in that it has some of the characteristics of the frequent email offers for enlargement products, it's actually a medical device.  I wasn't able to find the website for the manufacturer, but I did find a patent app.

The worst of the new "green" products.  But first, a cartoon on this topic:

"I don't trust 'natural.' People are always dying of natural causes."  

This comes from a cartoon by Dick Guindon showing a woman looking at a product label in a store.  Unfortunately I couldn't find a picture of this one, so you'll have to use theater of the mind.

Thought you were a vegan?  Are you sure?

   

SpaRitual Vegan nail polish.  Vegan?  Why exactly is this relevant to nail polish?  If they want to say not tested on animals, so long as they can back that claim up, fine.  But vegan?  Unless it's a concern that nail biters are ingesting animal products (and can they really be vegan if they nibble on themselves?), this absurd claim is right up there with claims of organic tobacco.  What exactly is the point?

I also found claims of natural organic kosher ingrediants on nail polish here:  http://www.modecosmetics.com/nailenamel.html  Since this polish uses the standard acetone based remover, it's not exactly environmentally friendly.  Kosher?  Does regular nail polish include both meat and dairy?I realize there is more to kosher than purely food, but while no expert, I seriously doubt the Torah talks about nail polish.

So you're worried that there are chemicals in your smokes that will kill you?



Speaking of organic tobacco, there actually is a market for it.  Turns out there is more than one brand, but one of the best known is American Spirit.  Because of course the nicotine alone isn't dangerous?

Is this a new way to claim they're offering health benefits?  If you can't light them, they aren't dangerous?

While investigating the American Spirit website, I learned yet another oxymoronic fact about cigarettes.  There are laws in some states, including the one where I live, requiring them to be "fire-safe".  Excuse me?  How can something designed to be lit with a flame and smoked be fire-safe?  From the marketing copy:

As a result of legislation we have created Natural American Spirit FSC (Fire Standards Compliant) cigarettes, which use a new cigarette paper to meet several states performance standards for ignition propensity. But remember, FSC cigarettes are NOT "fire safe" and need the same careful attention and handling as any other cigarette. Any burning cigarette can ignite materials if handled carelessly. 

The goal is laudable - the intent is to develop paper for cigarettes that extinguishes if left sitting, presumably to prevent people from immolating themselves when they pass out and die when the bed or couch is set on fire  Still, could they perhaps have called it something else?  And what's with the phrase "ignition propensity"?  That isn't even true here, as presumably it ignites.  

Smoke them because they're Bambi-safe?

Their FAQ also informs us that they do not test their tobacco products on animals.  Ok, now I feel better.  If you don't kill lab animals, you can feel good about their products, right?  How about IF THEY DON'T MAKE PRODUCTS THAT KILL PEOPLE as well?  Ok, sorry, rant off now.

I'm guessing the bottled water brand won't succeed.

I completely agree we need to develop infrastructure so that we use less drinking water for non-drinking purposes, such as flushing toilets, watering non-food plants and cooling industrial machinery.  In Orange County California, they are now making drinking water from filtered sewer water.  The issue here is not the goal, it's the ick factor.  I think they'd do better to clean up runoff and help home owners store grey water safely for non-drinking purposes.  http://www.nytimes.com/2007/11/27/us/27conserve.html?_r=1&oref=slogin 

A dress for those who also sleep on a bed of nails.



Dress made from recycled aluminum can pull tabs.  I am guessing that this was designed by someone who will never wear it, aka a guy.  Did no one think about the fact that she can't sit down in this? Or that perhaps recycling the aluminum into something necessary is a better idea?  http://www.greatgreengoods.com/

Now you know where your local stolen manhole covers and plumbing pipes are going...



Elkay Mystic River Sink, $2765.  Made from recycled copper.  I have no problem with unusual design - I think this sink looks pretty cool.  But the marketing copy for it refers to it as "green" item because the copper is recycled.  

This reminds me of one of the things I have wondered about for some time, but have never seen discussed anywhere: the environmental cost when you spend a lot more money to buy something green.  I realize this isn't easy to quantify, as it depends on many complex factors such as how you earn your money, but if you spend thousands more to reduce green house gases, isn't the cost of that additional money itself likely to negatively impact the environment?  I welcome any comments here or referrals to any site that discusses this.

Not only is it expensive, it isn't even authentically made from recycled materials.



Couch made to look like part of an Aston DB6, $7600.  Speaking of extremely expensive things made from recycled materials, you can get a loveseat made from an old luxury car, except it isn't even made from an actual Aston Martin.  It's a replica, although it is made by Aston Martin.  Seen at luxurylaunches.com.

Promises of biblical proportions.

   

Bath-O-Matic tub control, $8000.  Fills the tub to the preset depth and temperature, then adds bubble bath or scent.  The website promises "accurate delivery of water to your bath tub".  Who are the people who have problems getting water into the tub?  It's not as if we are still carrying pails of water to fill it.  

Did they check with the local deity before making this claim?  They also promise no more floods, which I'm guessing won't reassure people in flood plains.  Seen at luxury launches.com, or at bath-o-matic.com. 

Cool words and facts:

Next time you sneer at your local kids showing too much ink, keep in mind that they may be better immunized than you.  Scientists in Germany have discovered that vaccines delivered to mice via tattoo are more effective than the standard intramuscular injections.  This would certainly change how we feel about annual flu shots.   http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7231913.stm

Glue made from mussels?  Scientists are testing the chemical and mechanical mechanisms mussels use to cling to rocks in tidepools, with the intent to make stronger flue.  http://www.sciencedaily.com/videos/2005/0601-wood_glue_inspired_by_mussels.htm
 
Are we sure they had any to give up?  A survey conducted by an electronics retailer recently in the UK asked men what they would give up to own a high-end 50" plasma screen television.  The most common response (47%) was sex.  For six months.  While the survey results didn't say, my mental picture of these guys is of those who have not aged gracefully: overweight, t-shirt and pants not meeting in front, basically guys who weren't getting any anyway.  Heard on the public radio show marketplace on February 9.  You can also read more here:  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23070437/ 

So now we'll feel like we aren't green unless we are charging batteries as we walk or clean house?  Scientists in British Columbia are testing a device in a knee brace that can use human motion such as walking to power a battery.  http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=powering-cell-phone-battery

Next up, luggage gone wrong. 

I've modified the format of my blog starting this week to include a list of links I like.  Please check it out on the left side of the page, below the list of recent blog entries.

LOLCat captions I liked this week, on no particular theme:

        

      

Speaking of palindromes, shouldn't the word for palindrome itself be a palindrome?

This is this week's favorite.

 

I am curious how this cat got there without falling.  As always, thanks to 

Why didn't they come up with this a lot sooner?



360 Electrical Outlet, $14.99.  The plug receptical swivels through 360 degrees, so you can fit odd-sized transformer and other plugs that usually block extra ports.  Available from Improvementscatalog.com. 

As a general rule I don't consider religion to be a topic for my blog (with the exception of the stuffed animals I talked about last year representing the plagues of Egypt), but there's a new "peer reviewed scientific journal" for creationists.  There's a discussion of where microbes fit into the days of creation as described in Genesis.  Are they plants (day 3) or animals (day 5).  Read more at http://www.answersingenesis.org.  What I want to know is who they go to in the case of a dispute?






Moisturizing Pajamas, for both men and women, $59.95.  I can see women potentially buying these but men?  From the marketing copy:

Moisturizing pajamas gently nourish and care for rough, winter-dry skin—all night long. Innovative technology infuses the fabric with micro-capsules of high-grade skincare ingredients based on natural sources. Over time the micro-capsules slowly release, moisturizing your entire body and helping improve the appearance of dry skin. Machine-washable; effects persist over several washes. 

Leaving aside the question of what this does to your sheets, your mattress and any furniture you sit on while wearing these, it seems to me that the FDA should start regulating PJs.  What high-grade skincare ingredients?  If this was lotion they'd have to tell us.  I wonder if this would fall into the TSA toiletries rules for carry on luggage?  Available from Brookstone.

This leads to the question of how far they can go with product ideas for delivery of skin and personal care items.  Perhaps we could have athlete's foot powder socks, hair spray hats and lubricating underwear?  I invite you to post comments on this blog with your suggestions.

Skin cream you have to smack around before use?



Bioelements Sleepwear skin cream, $44.  From the marketing copy:

This nutrient-rich night creme needs to be "friction-activated" prior to application. Before applying to face, scoop a small amount into the palm of the hand and gently "slap" 30 times in your palm to release the active ingredients. Immediately apply onto clean, dry skin.

Curiously, the manufacturer's website just tells you to warm it in your hand.  http://store.skinelite.com/bioe-044.html

Shoes for the perv who usually has to put mirrors on his shoes to see up women's dresses.




Gucci, silver goatskin men's lace up shoes, $585.  Remarkably, the Saks webpage where these are sold warns that due to popularity, a customer may only order 3 pairs every 30 days.  I am trying without success to imagine an event where these are appropriate.  I am also trying without success to figure out who would buy one pair, let alone more than three per month.

Rental accessories for the nouveau pretentious.



BagBorrowOrSteal.com.  Rental couture handbags and jewelry.  This item, a
Chanel quilted handbag, retails for about $1500 and is available for rental for $117 week or $344 month.  Anyone who would actually be impressed to see you carry something from this place will also know you can't afford it, so they're more likely to think you bought a pirated knockoff.

Another reason to kill the guy in the next cube over.



Finger Drum Mouse Pad, $39.95.  From the marketing copy:

this electronic drumpad also serves as a mousepad, and allows you to play eight different percussion sounds, including bass, snare, two rack toms, a floor tom, hi-hat, crash, and ride cymbals using only your fingers. A demonstration mode allows you to accompany six pre-set patterns, and you can record up to 30 of your own rhythms.

In case you needed another reason to off the guy in the next cube over, this could be it.  How long can you listen to his (and you know it's a guy) demonstrate his lack of rhythm or musical talent in general before going postal?  Available from Hammacher Schlemmer.

Alarm clock voted most likely to be turned into slag within a week.



Flying Alarm Clock, $39.95.  From the marketing copy:

This digital alarm clock launches a rotor into the air that flies around the room as the alarm sounds, hovering up to 9' in the air, and will not cease ringing until the rotor is returned to the alarm clock base, compelling even the most stubborn sleepers to get out of bed on time. 

Uh huh.  Aside from providing entertainment for your cat, the only use I can see for this is more broken junk you have to get around to throwing out.  And what if this thing gets caught in your hair?  Available from Skymall.

It's not a cooler but it's close.  What is it with drinks and people doing weird things with them?



Beverage Buggy, $49.95.  A remote controlled toy that will bring you two cans of whatever it is you're drinking.  I suspect after a few cans of beer this thing will be driven right into the pool by a bunch of drunk yahoos who actually think that's funny.

Why not just save the stubble from shaving and glue it in?



Toppik Hair Building Fibers, $21.95.  You shake these fibers over your thinning hair to make it appear fuller.  I'm only sorry the graphic from the skymall catalog isn't online, as it shows a before and after set of pictures with this stuff sticking to hairs like a bad shag rug.  From the marketing copy:  

These organic keratin protein fibers have the same organic makeup as your own hair. So they naturally intertwine with your own hair to make it look thick and full in less than 30 seconds.  You apply Toppik by simply holding the custom container over your thinning area, and shaking it gently. In seconds, thousands of tiny color matched hair fibers will intertwine with your own hair. Charged with static electricity, they bond so securely that they will stay in place all day and night, in even the strongest wind or hardest rain

They also have an aerosol version.  The practical joke opportunities boggle the mind.

Can you picture the list you end up with after an argument near this thing?



SmartShopper Grocery Assistant, $150.  The idea is that you don't have to write your grocery list down, just talk to this thing and it will save the list, then print it for you.  Aside from the inherent silliness of buying something like this, I can just picture what will end up on the list when you are talking on the phone, yelling at the kids or listening to the radio.  This will be worse than a parrot for repeating things you didn't want anyone to hear.  It will serve you right when you get to the store and find that you are supposed to get a grip, an idiot, a nag and a new spouse.  Available from Brookstone. 


Cool words and facts

Copacetic:  According to Wikipedia and Wiktionary:   It is an unusual English language word in that it is one of the few words of seemingly unknown origin that is not considered slang in contemporary usage. It is used almost exclusively in North America. 

Skin cancer or coral?  Sunscreen damages algae that feed the coral reefs.  http://www.nature.com/news/2008/080129/full/news.2008.537.html

Perhaps my cats are trying their own economic stimulus package?  I was recently discussing my cat's habits of stealing all my socks with my friend Kelly.  I noted that now that I've given up buying socks and just wear shoes and boots without them, because the cats take them to "hunt" with.  They never go outside, so when a bird or squirrel is visible through the window, you can see one or both of them drooling and disembowelling a sock, sort of hunting in effigy.   Since I quit buying socks, I've noticed my undershirts are disappearing, leading me to think they aren't content to play with the hundred or so pairs of socks they have stashed away, but feel the need for new prey.  Kelly suggested that they were exercising the economic theory of creative destruction, where an obsolete item that previously had market dominance is displaced by a new one. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Creative_destruction 

Talk about being a fly on the wall.  Scientists have developed a robotic fly, potentially for use as a survelliance device.  So if you have one buzzing around and you swat it, check to see if it's a tiny pile of metal or the more usual bug guts.   http://www.deviceguru.com/2008/01/21/robotic-fly-to-descend-on-new-york/#more-40 

LOLCats seen recently, on a Star Wars theme.

        

    

My favorite Star Wars caption recently:



And while not a Star Wars themed LOLCat caption, it is a space theme and my favorite for this week.



Thanks to ICHC for these, as always.

Air popped squirrel, anyone?  



Cooking squirrels in a popcorn popper?  Don't try this at home.  I'm sincerely sorry anyone did, ever.  But because most of us can't help but watch weird or gross stuff even if we're warned about it, I'm offering you the same opportunity.  Slate.com has a lot of features I really like, including the regular column called The Explainer.  They take a topic from the news and explain the politics, science or whatever behind it.  Recent examples include questions such as "Do pilots practice crash landings" (after the British Airways crash at Heathrow) and "Should we throw hazardous waste into volanos".  The answer to both is no.

I love this column.  But the one in this week's video column was in response to a story Mike Huckabee told recently at a campaign stop, about how in college he cooked squirrels he caught in the popcorn popper, that being the only cooking appliance allowed in the dorms.  The Explainer set out to answer two questions - first, can you safely eat squirrel at all and second, is squirrel cooked this way safe to eat.  They include footage of various ways of cooking squirrel, followed by a clip of the author cooking a chicken thigh in a popcorn popper, as she wasn't able to catch a squirrel.  If you want to see the carnage, go to http://slatev.com/player.html?id=1390022082. 

Truth in advertising.

   

Delirium Tremens beer.  This is a Belgian Ale that's been around since late 1989, in a brewery around for centuries.  The website has a pink elephant theme everywhere, including on of those annoying mouse trail cursors, so you're dragging a string of pink elephants around as you move the mouse.  This appeals to me simply for the name, I haven't tried it yet, but will report back after I do.

What the hell was the product manager thinking?

   

Hershey;s Ice Breakers Pacs, a mint in a package that looks like a dime bag.  In general I like the trend of delivering some things in the disolve in your mouth strips, especially throat "lozenges" and vitamins.  They take up a lot less room, which matters when you travel on business like I do.  But Hershey went too far with this packet of mint powder that looks like street drugs.  As a result of compalints from school officials and law enforcement, Hershey is going to stop manufacturing these.  To read more, go to http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22827806/

While we're talking about mixed messages...  



Speaking of Hershey doing bone-headed things, check out the program called Hershey's Project Runway at http://www.hersheys.com/projectrunway/.  They have a cable program which showcases fashion designs from up and coming designers, with the proceeds to go to charity.  Fine as far as it goes.  The requirement to participate?  All designs must "fashion their looks out of whatever they can carry out of the Hershey store".  It would be one thing (well, only sort of) if this represented healthy snack brands.  But we're talking Hershey bars, Reeces cups, etc.  I'm all in favor of chocolate in moderation (with the bar for moderation set wherever you want...), but please.  This sort of mixed message is exactly what is wrong with food and fashion advertising.  We can't simultaneously eat the way they tell us to eat and look the way they tell us we should want to look.  Actually, in most cases, no one should look like that unless they're terminally ill and have a good airbrush artist.

So basically, the anorexic will be modeling clothing made from candy packaging.  Uh-huh.  I wonder if they'll start including a little tube of ipecac syrup with every bar?  I find it ironic that the image Hershey chose for this program displays a dress that makes even this ematicated model look like she has a fat ass.

They now make automobile gadgets for the mob?

   

Volvo Personal Car Communicator, $495.  Here's one I missed in my roundup of weird car gadgets and add-ons a few week's ago.  The Volvo Personal Car Communicator key fob can scan your car and detect the heartbeat of an intruder in your car, what they call the "onboard heartbeat sensor".  For more go to http://www.volvocars.us/models/s80/which/Compare.htm.  Unless you're a member of an organized crime family or someone in the Witness Protection Program on the run from them, I'm not sure I see the target market here.  The story of the guy in the backseat with an axe is a well-known urban legend.  Lock the damn car, people, and look inside before you get in.  Or you can do as I do - leave so much camping gear and firewood in the car that there isn't room for an intruder.

Overall the key fob is a good idea - it has the ability unlock the car remotely, not with a press of a button but simply by proximity, allowing you to get in without pulling out the fob.  Like most keyless remotes, it also locks and sets the alarm and has the added feature that it alerts you when you approach if the doors are already unlocked.  But assuming the alarm system and locks are good, what is the likelihood that someone is going to get into the car at all and then stay there?  And what if there's someone one car over?  Does it detect them too?  I can see the police response now, especially if the next car over has people in it who are married to others and who are violating their wedding vows as well as public decency ordinances...  

I have a friend who has owned a couple of cars made by Mercedes (well, one is a truck) and I know from when she lost her keys that unless you use tools available only at the dealership, you pretty much can't break in, unless you break the glass.

Ready, aim, um...cheese?



Mamiya pistol camera, made in Japan in 1954, this one seen on eBay for $25,000.   These were never available commercially, but were created for "police training purposes".  I'm trying without success to figure out exactly which training purposes those could be.  Perhaps training in what not to carry, unless you're trying to determine who around you is carrying concealed?  I've commented in a couple of previous blogs that those who carry things that look like guns but which don't shoot ammunition are asking to be shot with the real thing.  Read more about this one at http://www.luxurylaunches.com/gadgets/mamiya_1954_is_a_pistol_camera_for_25000.php 

This week's theme - unusual headphones.

Earrings for your iPod?



BiJE Bio Jewelry Earphones, $34.  This headset includes a set of changeable earrings for the earbuds.  While it's true that you can't wear any kind of dangling earring comfortably with an over-the-ear headset, why put jewelry on your earbuds rather than your ears?  My suggested playlist:  Material Girl by Madonna and anything by The Spice Girls.

Earphones for your favorite dork.



Segatoys Mu-Bot Robot Earphones, $39.95.  You wear this thing around your neck and the "arms" are actually the earbuds, with the cords retracted inside.  You just know that any kid that goes to school wearing this thing is going to get beat up on the playground.

This doesn't even rise to the level of a geek gadget.  It's for dorks, a lower life form.  See below for more on the hierarchy of dorks, nerds and geeks.  My suggested play list:  Pinball Wizard by The Who, the soundtrack from Revenge of the Nerds, the theme from 2001: a Space Odessey, and anything from the sub-genre Nerdcore Hip Hop (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nerdcore).

I think they picked the wrong part of the body for a vibrator.



Genius Headset with Bass Vibration, $55.  Aimed at gamers as well those listening to music.  No details on the extent of inevitable brain damage caused by long term use.  My suggested playlist:  We Will Rock You by Queen, Good Vibrations by The Beach Boys, and Shake Your Bon-Bon by Ricky Martin.

The three entries above come from an article in PC Magazine.  There were several other oddities in it, including an entry from a company called Skullcandy, who should get points just for the company name.  To see the entire article, go to http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2704,2250136,00.asp.  Thanks to my friend Dianna for this link.

Earphones for the local gang member on your list.

   

Skullcandy G.I. headphones, $69.95.  While this one didn't make the PC Mag article referenced above (and I have to say, I wonder why not), they also offer this headset complete with loops for bullets.  Why not just make a pocket for a spare automatic clip?  

I can just imagine the first time the school is locked down when a kid shows up with these and they're loaded.  My suggested playlist:  Soundtrack from the film Boyz n the Hood and anything by The Beastie Boys or Ice-T.  These and other products can be found at skullcandy.com.

Cool words and facts:

Who knew?  It turns out there are levels of social skills among those of us who find ourselves fascinated with technology, science, etc.  According to Chris, a fellow geek I spoke with at a recent tech event in Portland, those levels (in increasing order of social skills):  Dork, Nerd and Geek.  Apparently those of us who aspire to geekhood have at least basic social skills as well as an interest in science and technology.  I'd like to add that in my experience geeks are generally not fashion impaired, although they may not care about it.  Dorks and nerds don't even have the sense to stick with jeans and a t-shirt.

Will metal theives start stealing our spare change rather than our sculptures, manhole covers and metal pipes?



A researcher with the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department has developed a method to tell the difference between authentic and counterfeit coins based on the acoustics, as determined by a computer scan of the resounance frequencies when a coin is dropped onto a brass block.   While the value of a US penny doesn't justify the effort to do this (and who the hell would counterfeit pennies anyway?), in countries where coins are replacing paper currency, this could make a lot of sense.  Read more here:  http://www.instructables.com/forum/The-sound-of-a-bad-penny---Finding-counterfit-coin/. 

Which way is north?  Wait a minute, let me check my watch.  You can use an analog watch to determine compass directions.  Point the hour hand at the sun, divide the difference between the hour it indicates and 12 o'clock in half and that direction is south.  For example, if it's 4pm and you aim the hour hand (the 4) at the sun, south is in the direction of 2 o'clock.  For more on this and similar things, go here http://www.learn-orienteering.org/old/nocompass1.html.

Is this how volcanos reproduce?  The weight of the volcanoes in Hawaii my rupture the earth's crust.  Researchers modelled volcanic events and new volcano formation and came to the conclusion that the activity in existing volcanos may be the cause of new ones.  For more, go here:  http://arstechnica.com/journals/science.ars/2008/01/23/weight-of-hawaiian-volcanoes-may-rupture-earths-crust.

Not only can't you remember, but you can't make stuff up, either.  Memory loss also implies loss of imagination.  Older people who show clinical signs of memory loss are also unable to create imaginary events.  They also found that the same subjects were unable to recall the rich details of past events in the same way younger adults do.  http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/01/080107110352.htm.

Come on, it may hurt a bit but it will be good for you.  A new blog to check out:  The Peel, written anonymously by a friend of mine.  My theory is that the name The Peel refers to the skin treatment where one or more layers of epidermis are removed. http://scrapemagazine.blogspot.com/

Next up, a world where everything has an associated monthly fee (postponed from this week while I work on it some more) and some really absurd clothing and accessory choices.

Favorite LOLCat captions seen recently.

        

   

And my favorite this week:



As always, thanks to ICHC for all these.

An update to last week's blog (http://siouxfleming.livejournal.com/2008/01/14/).  I wrote about the Taser holster that also holds an MP3 player.  It turns out it actually includes a 1 GB MP3 player, called the Taser MPH, in the holster.  My comments about this last week are further illustrated by this quote from Taser CEO, in reference to this new line of leopard print and colorful tasers:  "it [sic] provides a personal protection option for women who want fashion with a bite".   

My friend Kelly suggested they should come out with a combined product called the iZap.  MP3 player and Taser in one.  The problem remains that first, if you need protection, why are you zoned out with earbuds in and second, what happens when you deploy the wrong one?  No matter how loud you turn up the volume, The Clash won't stop a mugger.

Other product suggestions from friends who read this blog:

Yeah, but where do you keep the water?



The picture here, courtest of a page titled "Because Crotch-to-Air-Missiles are Awesome, from this site  http://www.headinjurytheater.com/article59.htm. 

In reference to my squirt gun blog (December 31, 2007), my friend and neighbor Matt suggested a squirt gun codpiece.  He thinks the pump action part should be under the arm, so you have to flap to squirt someone.  I'll buy several rounds of beer for anyone who submits a plausable picture of what this would look like.  All I can say is that if you add yellow food coloring to the water in such a device, you will almost certainly be arrested and probably also committed.

Russian Roulette as a Tourism trend?

My friend Kelly suggested that the next big trend in extreme tourism will be suicide tourism.  Travels to Bagdad, Afghanistan and Pakistan, perhaps?  You could then brag to all your friends that you had made it out alive.  Marketed to those who missed the Macys after Christmas sales and feel left out.  She also suggested that instead of suicide vests, perhaps they should employ suicide panties.  This was actually funny after several rounds of beer.

What did they expect, really?  Clearly the cattle watched Brokeback Mountain.



Dodge had cowboys herding longhorn cattle through downtown Detroit at last week's Auto Show to promote the new Dodge Ram Truck.  Per the transcript of the NPR news story:

"It was a great idea, but in the end, it was just a group of big cows lumbering down the street. Then, when Chrysler Vice Chairman Jim Press tried to talk about the new truck, some of the steers began to mount each other.  Well, let's not watch that. This is one show you're not going to forget. OK, look at the truck," he told the crowd."

You can read or listen to the entire story here http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=18079768.

I wonder if the longhorn cattle had just been shipped in from the Adult Entertainment Expo the week before in Vegas and were confused about which script they were supposed to follow?

It will serve you right if you gain weight anyway, and you didn't even get to taste it.

My friend Tori provided another entry for a category from a past blog - the misuse of chocolate files (blog here).  The Hotel Hershey has a spa, and they actually offer chocolate body treatments.  They offer such treats as whipped cocoa baths, chocolate bean polish and a chocolate fondue wrap.  All I can say is that such heresy should be punished by extreme chocolate deprivation.  More information here:  http://www.hersheypa.com/accommodations/the_spa_at_hotel_hershey/

Now on to this week's theme, the weirdest online communities.  

       

Webkins, stuff animal that has an online identify, first year free, renewals for a fee.  I know at least one person reading this blog not only has kids who have accounts here, but has at least one account herself.  Names have been withheld to protect the derranged.  I'm speaking of the stuffed animal community known as Webkinz.  You buy the thing, log into the website with the secret code and you can then spend virtual money to redecorate the virtual world, chat with other webkinz owners and play games.  The company refers to these things as plush pets.  The recommend not "adopting" more than 100 plush pets under one accounts.  Please.  Get real pets, people.  Your local humane society has operators standing by.

What I wish we knew was what type of site these pets would have for their people, given the chance.



In another past blog I referenced sites selling clothing for pets.  One of them also offers an online community for people who inflict clothing on their pets (http://siouxfleming.livejournal.com/2007/12/24/).  The site presently has 83 members.  Interestingly, several of the members I checked out work for the company who sponsors the site.  Ya think?  http://cutedogclothes.ning.com/

Am I the only one who thinks these things are creepy?

   

Now we come to Peeps, a type of candy I consider a vile waste of sugar.  There is an official Peeps Fan Club at  http://www.marshmallowpeeps.com/.  You can become a member so you can send peeps greeting cards to others with your disease and get icons for chat apps.  There are also instructions in wikipedia for "peep jousting", where you arm them with toothpicks and microwave them until one punctures the other and "dies".  You just know that gerbils are next.  We need to get these people locked up.

Last, my nominee for weirdest online community.

For those rejected for good reasons by the adoption agency.




Pleoworld.  An online community for people who own the robotic dinosaur named Pleo.  For those who don't know, Pleo is a robot that "learns".  It sells for $349.  There is an API so people can write apps to control its movements and sounds.  The first time you turn it on, it is "born" and supposedly behaves like a one week old camarasaurs.  What I want to know is how they know what a one week old dinosaur of any kind acts.  toy Pleo comes with many sensors and speakers, including a "rear speaker, which enables Pleo to communicate via honks, hoots, and other natural sounds".  I can only hope this isn't a prelude to fart humor, but you know it is, especially with that open API.  Sigh. 

Pleoworld is where people who actually shelled out for this thing can talk with others of their kind.  There are 32 people registered in my local area in the past month.  The www.pleoworld.com. 
 
Cool words and facts

ROUSes really existed

   

For those not familiar with the movie The Princess Bride, ROUSes are Rodents of Unusual Size.  Rodent fossil that weighted more than 2000 pounds with large incisors was recently found in Uruguay.  The picture on the left is from Nature and shows an artists rendition.  The picture on the right is from MSNBC and shows the skull next to a modern rat.  http://www.nature.com/news/2008/080115/full/news.2008.441.html 

Fire from above and below.



Lightning frequently accompanies volcanic erruptions.  The rising super-heated smoke and ash causes a build up of electrical charge, and the resulting discharge is lightnin.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mount_Rinjani

It would have been cheaper if they'd just done peep jousting.  



Robotica was a robot combat show produced by a subsidiary of the Discovery Channel from 2001 through 2002.  There was a similar show broadcast in the mid-90s in the UK called Robot Wars.   Either one has to beat watching people play Texas Hold 'Em, which to my mind is like watching paint dry in a trailer park.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robotica

Up next week, the most unusual headphones and an imaginary life driven by monthly fees for content and services.

For those of you in Portland, check out Portland On Fire, a site that introduces a new person in Portland, Oregon every day.  I was profiled there on January 11.  You can submit your own profile and nominate others here.  http://www.portlandonfire.com. 

Some LOLCat captions seen recently that I liked a lot, but no particular theme:

        



Best LOLCat caption seen this week.  Click the picture to see it full sized so the negative space optical illusion is more clear.



As always, thanks to ICHC.

This is just wrong



Kool-aid pickles.  Anyone who knows me knows that I have claimed I would eat styrofoam if it was pickled, because I like pretty much any kind of pickle.  This, however, goes too far.  http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/09/dining/09kool.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

So will they be marked down to four grand during the January white sale?



Cashmere sheets, $5200 for a king set including two pillowcases.  Who buys this stuff?  In case the dragon topiary with gold-plated claws wasn't enough of a present for mumsie (see blog from 11/26), you can get sheets that cost more than a reasonable person would spend on bedroom furniture.  http://www.luxurylaunches.com/decor/cashmere_sheets_for_a_cool_5200_will_keep_you_cozy.php

For the aquarium of the people who own the sheets costing more than five grand.




Gold seahorses.  Seriously.  Scientists in Vietnam have put gold into seahorses, perhaps for the luxury trade.  Just get a purebred toy dog for your designer handbad already.   http://www.luxurylaunches.com/other_stuff/gold_rush_calls_for_live_glittering_animals.php


Kitchen essentials.  Uh huh.



Food sanitizing system, $150.  Uses ozonated water to "sanitize" food without chemicals.  Excuse me, when did ozone quit being an air pollutant when it's at ground level?  Available from Neiman Marcus, in their section labled kitchen essentials.  Right.

Enough to give you nightmares



Alessi Juicy Salif Juicer, $79.  This thing fits my criteria for creepiest juicer I've ever seen, perhaps even for creepiest kitchen item every.  I realize this thing won awards in the early 90s for industrial design, there's one in MOMA, blah, blah blah.  I think there's a negative karma thing inherent to making creepy looking everyday products.  I think it looks like something from a Charles Addams cartoon.  Available for the brave or those who think remote-controlled tarantulas are a good idea (see blog from 10/15), you can find this at Neiman Marcus.

Now on to this week's main theme.  Weirdest products from CES 2008.

Just what guys need, another remote.



Remote Controlled Cooler, $49.99, available later this spring.  It holds eight cans or bottles.  What the hell is it with coolers?  Is there no end to the strange things people can do with them?  This one shown at CES 2008 by Interactive Concept Toys.  What are you going to do if the guys in the next tailgate party over can highjack your cooler with a universal remote?

Remote controlled harassment



Rovio, remote-controlled robo-webcam, $299.  You just know this thing will end up in the bathroom or the bedroom of an unsuspecting victim.  And remember, that information out there on the internet will be there forever.  From WowWee (see, it even has wee in the name), available Fall 2008, shown at CES 2008.

For those who usually bore you with endless wallet photos.



Digital Photo Frame Watch, $29.99.  Comes with USB cable and software.  Like this will look less weird than just looking at pictures on your phone or iPod.

And you thought the electronic parts were going to be hard to recycle.




Gold plated Blackberry cover, valued at $20,000.  This was a giveaway from Case-mate to lure people to their booth at CES.  I can only hope that the person who wins this and actually uses it is stopped for additional screening every time they pass through airport security, just on general principles.

Gives new life to the song Let's Get It On.


Sonic Impact Bed Speakers, estimated to sell for $200-400.  Turn your box springs into a sub woofer.  The practical joke opportunities here are legion if you hack into the iPod and change the playlist.  I encourage readers to add comments here with their suggestions on what that playlist might be.  Read more at http://blog.wired.com/gadgets/2008/01/bedspring-speak.html.  Available later this spring.

Feature name most likely to end up in every standup comic's routine.  Sony Ericsson has a new phone (Z555) that can be silenced with a wave of the hand.  I agree that something other than fumbling for a button on you phone is a great idea.  What gets me is the likely outtakes on the name of that feature.  They call it "gesture control".  I think we all see gesture control every day while driving our cars, although perhaps not the way Sony Ericsson intended.  I also suspect this will lead to odd phone behavior, as many of us carry our phones in a pocket or bag.  How will this gesture control feature interpret the random movements the phone will "see" in those situations?  Will my phone start texting for me?

Personal weapon for those who also wear stretch leopard latex leggings (and shouldn't).



Leopard print Taser, $279.99.  Also available in Fashion Pink, Red Hot and Black Pearl, $249.99 each.  The redneck factor here - aimed I guess at a female redneck market - boggles the mind.  I'm picturing big hair, gum snapping and lots of rhinestones.

What happens when you grab the wrong one?



Taser and MP3 player holster, $72.99.  Honestly, this thing is for your Taser and your mp3 player.  All the essentials right there in one place.  I'm trying to picture a situation where you simultaneously expect to need to be able to disable someone at short range, while walking around in a sort of sensory deprivation state with earbuds in listening to music, but I can't put those two together.  And what happens when you grab the wrong one in a hurry?

It might go something like this:  "Oops, sorry officer, I meant to turn my tunes off."  My suggested play list for that situation:    I Shot the Sheriff by Eric Clapton, Light My Fire by The Doors, Shot Through the Heart by Bon Jovi and Shoot Me Again by Metalilica.   Holster available from taser.com. 

Past CES products:  do you know where they are now?



Remember the Internet-enabled fridge from CES 2000?  Whirlpool demoed a model that didn't just have an Internet interface, it could track when you were out of milk and order it for you.  Since it runs on Windows, I suspect you'll either always be out of milk and somehow not able to order any, ever, or you'll get it delivered by the truckload.  And who wants their appliances to start posting to their blogs?  This is no doubt how The Matrix machine world got started.  

The fridge never really took off.  Gee, I wonder why?  Here was a story from back then.  http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,14675-page,1/article.html#

Roll forward eight years. 



Sometimes they actually seem to learn.  Everyone uses the wide open real estate on the front of the fridge for something - pictures, grocery lists, recipes, etc.  The idea of a computer in the kitchen is not a bad one, and many kitchens don't have a lot of free wall or counter space, so the front of the fridge is fair game I suppose.  At CES this year, they introduced a fridge that can have electronic modules plugged in, such as a computer.  

I still think this is silly, as combining things with very different upgrade cycles and repair histories guarantees part of it will be obsolete before the rest needs replacing.  The likelihood of being able to upgrade this will be nil.  We can't even get replacement parts for four year old laptops.  And can you see the look on the appliance repair person's face when they show up for a service call and it's for the computer?  http://ces.cnet.com/8301-13855_1-9844750-67.html?tag=ces_promo

Cool words and facts

Wall-warts - term coined for a power plug with the transformer on the plug, as most cell phone chargers have.  These things are a pain for several reasons, including the way they don't fit into a lot of outlets, the way they block access to the other outlet ports and the fact that they draw a small amount of current even when nothing is plugged into them, giving them the name of energy vampires.

It's not just the cold, wet weather that makes you sneeze.  Sunlight makes you sneeze as well.  Scientists and philosophers have known about the physiological phenomena know as the photic sneeze for well over 2000 years.  Aristotle wrote about it, as did Francis Bacon.  It's still not well understood, but one popular theory is that the nerve that signals the brain that there's nasal irritation (the reason we sneeze) is very close to the optic nerve, so there may be electrical leakage between the two.  Read a recent article on this here:  http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=looking-at-the-sun-can-trigger-a-sneeze.

Yet more nutrition news that turns old wisdom upside down.  Whole milk is just as good for you as skim, so long as overall daily calories are not exceeded.  And many scientists now believe that whole milk is better for building muscle than reduced fat or skim.  Hah!.  So there.  Sadly, they didn't say anything about cream....  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22349307

Next up, weirdest online communities.

This week's LOLCat caption theme and general theme - actions have consequences.

         

     

And my favorite caption on the theme of actions have consequences:

        

Best bumpersticker seen this week:  Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.

I just don't get the cooler thing.



Rolling cooler with built in table and stools, $60.  What is it with coolers, that they can't be left alone?  I appreciate that it has wheels and all, making it easier than carrying extra stuff, but all that means is that it has less room to keep food and drinks cold.  I don't know why someone hasn't figured out that what we really need is a manually rolling cooler with four wheels, so you can pull it without lifting up fifty or more pounds of ice, food and beverages.

The general theme this week is actions have consequences.  I realize that many of the things I've written about in past blogs fall into that category.  Recall the motorized inline skates, the hitch hands flipping others off and many others.  But I decided to try for that theme this week anyway.  I asked a number of people who read this blog for suggestions.  In some cases they were good ideas - extreme vacations, the Iraqi Ministry of Tourism,

Don't you already have enough trouble keeping your cats out of the toilet paper?



Towel-matic, $59.95.  An automatic paper towel dispenser for your home.  My guess is that the cats will figure out pretty quickly that they can get even bigger pieces of paper to shred by walking in front of this thing on the counter.  Automating things that don't need to be just makes it more likely that we're consuming too much energy.  And where will you be during the inevitable brown outs?  With wet hands and milk spills you can't handle, that's where.  Available from Skymall.

You know someone is going to try to clean the toilet with it



5-Stage Air Cleaner, $289.95.  I'm all in favor of innovative design, but I'm sorry, this thing just looks weird in the context of an air cleaner.  Air goes in the bottom and out the top.  Available from Hammacher Schlemmer.

Yeah, but you're likely to turn the rest of the porch into an ice rink



The Only Heated Door Mat, $129.95.  Since I live where it rarely snows, I realize I don't have to worry about keeping my door mat free of snow.  I still think this is just asking for trouble when it melts the snow right in front of the door and it then re-freezes nearby, coating the porch or steps with ice.  And you thought the snow was bad.  Available from Hammacher Schlemmer.

I can't help but be reminded of the 18" tall Stonehenge replica from the movie This is Spinal Tap.



Big Foot the Garden Yeti garden sculpture, $98.95.  The marketing copy tells us "it's hand painted for startling realism".  Of course it's only 28" tall.  You know the neighbors are going to laugh at you.  Anyone who has one of these deserves to be overrun by garden gnomes.  You can find this at Skymall.

Just asking for the neighbor kids to hijack the frequency and move it away from you every time it's almost in reach.



Motorized snack float, $59.95.  It's not enough to be a couch potato, now you can also be a pool potato.  Just get out and swim to the side of the pool or at last paddle your float over there.

It will serve you right when you computer retailiates and burns your toast every time.

A story about using a toaster to hack a computer can be found here: 

http://www.expressindia.com/latest-news/Man-makes-toaster-hack-computer/249695/.  This is what comes of giving internet connectivity to your major appliances.  Who the hell wants their fridge reporting how old your leftovers are?  And who needs to download recipes to their microwave so it can cook their food?  Just read the directions or order take-out, damn it.  Thanks to my friend Todd for sending me this link.

For those hunters not skilled enough to actually hit what they shoot at:



Deer foot gun rack $26.99.  This was actually shown on a site for truck gun racks, although I believe this is intended for the wall.  I hope so as otherwise the rifle will fly off and perhaps go off the first time the owner hits a bump.

Aquarium for flat earthers



The bookshelf Aquarium, $149.95.  I'm sorry but this just seems wrong.  The thing is only 4" deep, meaning that you're pretty much forcing the poor fish to live in a two dimensional plane.  "Room for up to six fish" the marketing copy tells us.  People who designed this should be reported to the SPCA, and then forced to live in a town house so narrow no one can pass another in the hallways or kitchen.  Just get a screen saver, damn it.

Oh yeah, it's a really good idea to distract the driver.



Sunvisor DVD player, $249.95.  How do you explain to the cop that, no, you weren't really watching the porn flick your passsenger was playing with this thing and that you don't know why you just ran off the road?

Just asking the neighbor kids to get out their darts or BB gun.

   

Inflatable screen, $249 left, $999 with speakers on right.  Inflatable speakers?!?  There are any number of ways to watch movies outside without spending a thousand bucks on something that is inevitably going to pop and become a big useless piece of vinyl.  It's ominous that it comes with a repair kit.  And in both cases, you still need to provide the projector input.  Both available from skymall.

And finally, my personal favorite example of a product where you'll likely get what's coming to you.

This won't seem nearly as cool after it accidentally goes off inside your garage and burns your house down.

            

Autoloc Auto Exhaust Flame Thrower, single exhaust $130, dual exhaust $200.  It comes with the warning as seen above that it's "intended for off road use only".  Uh huh.  So it's ok if people use this to burn down forests but not to deal with a tailgater on the highway?  Aimed at the adolescent male-in-a-muscle-car market.  You can watch a YouTube video of it in action here:  http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/car/sema-2006-autoloc-car-flamethrower-212339.php.  You can also read more than you want to know about this thing at http://www.eatmyflames.com, the site name of which pretty much tells you all you need to know. 

Cool words and facts

The cuckoo bird of the insect world.  Butterflies fool ants into raising their young.  Apparently there is a large blue butterfly whose larvae have a chemical coating similar to that of a local ant.  The ants find the larvae, take them back to the ant colony and feed them until they grow large enough to leave.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22492200/ 

Yeah, but is there any way to use the color of the sky to predict a trembler?  Monsoons are linked to earthquakes, giving earthquakes a season.  At least in the Himilayas, the compression of the land b the water from monsoons leads to plate shifts that result in earthquakes a few months later.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22505955/ 

It turns out it isn't just people who will pick up anyone in a bar.  Drunken male fruit flies will mate with anything with wings, including other male fruit flies.  Since I know from experience that fruit flies will go after any left over alcohol, perhaps researchers only had to observe them around the house.  http://www.nature.com/news/2008/080103/full/news.2007.402.html 

I'm not sure yet what the theme will be for next week, although I'm thinking weird stuff from CES 2008 is a possibility.  Remarkably, there is already another cooler to write about for next week.

To see any of the pictures in more detail, just click them.

Best LOLCat captions seen recently. 

         

    

And now my personal favorite LOLCat caption seen in 2007...

 

As always, thanks to ICHC. 

Best bumpersticker seen this week:  

Buckle Up!  It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car.

Silliest product warning seen this week.

Motorola Rokr mobile phone.  In their user guide, along with the usual warnings not to get it wet, drop it or spill food on it was this warning: 

"Don't try to dry your phone in a microwave oven".

I"m sure glad they cleared that up.  

Not your usual run of the mill wildlife warning...



And check out the detail in the letter by clicking it to see a bigger picture.  I quote here "...and be able to tell the difference between lion cub shit and big lion shit.  Lion cub shit is smaller and contains lots of berries...  Big lion shit has bells in it and smells like pepper."  I've seen warnings posted about cougars and bears, but never about lions, facetious or otherwise.  Thanks to my friend Sam for this.

And now for this week's main theme, squirt guns gone wrong.

I found references to a tricycle with a built-in squirt gun, an alarm clock that squirts you with water if you don't shut it off in 15 seconds and a patent application for a canoe paddle with a built-in squirt gun, but no pictures or evidence that they are for sale.  What I bring you are real squirt guns gone wrong.

Coming to a Fungus of Starbucks near you soon?

Robotic baristas that squirt iced coffee directly into your mouth.  Prototypes of these were demonstrated earlier this year at University of British Columbia as part of their Integrated Engineering program.  Here's a description of the event from one of the professors in charge of it:

The 11 demonstration robots -- with names such as Robo Flo, Java Jet and The Caffeinator -- include:

• A hand-drill powered robotic syringe that looks like a laser gun
• A PC-sized robot that locates mouths with infrared sensors and propels coffee with aquarium tank pumps
• A bamboo “coffee chair”

“We challenged student to create an environmentally friendly, paperless way of serving coffee samples,” says Leo Stocco, Professor of Electrical and Computer Engineering. “If you like cream in your coffee, the robots will do that too.”

Since the Fungus has already gone from hand-made coffee to automated machines to make coffee, this could be the next step.  Read about the robot event at http://www.publicaffairs.ubc.ca/media/releases/2007/mr-07-035.html and see a video of it being demonstrated here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZO7kq4JnAxg.

Just asking for ice cubes down your back



Hasbro Super Soaker Aquashock Artic Blast, $20.  Add ice to the reservoir with the water.  I suppose every kid or adult needs to learn that actions have consequences and this may be as good a way to learn that lesson as any.  Drenching people with ice water is just asking for payback time.  Remember that revenge is a dish best served cold.  In this case it could be very, very cold indeed.

This looks like it could fall into my category of camping gear gone wrong, but no...



Hasbro Super Soaker Max Infusion Backpack, $10.  An additional source of water to keep blasting longer, funtioning as a backup reservoir.  Why not just get one of those ride on coolers I've written about in the past and hook your blaster to that?  Or better, just use the HOSE, damn it.

Squirt gun for fending off an alien invasion?




Hasbro Super Soaker Oozinator, $20.  Air powered soaker that shoots water and "bio-ooze", whatever the hell that is.  As the Hasbro site says:

"Sneak up on your opponents with a surprise bio-ooze attack! Just when they think you’re coming at ‘em with water, blast ‘em with a shot of icky bio-ooze! Shoot out globs of gooey bio-ooze and then drench ‘em with water!"

It comes with one bio-ooze cartridge.  Presumably additional cartridges can be purchased separately, which I suppose is Hasbro's way of selling razor handles, er soakers, as people have to keep buying the blades, or ooze in this case.  I understand the business model of developing products where you can expect a recurring revenue stream, as with razors.  What I object to is using a kid's toy market this way.  I think the Hasbro genius who thought this up should be shot, and not just with water or ooze.  I'm thinking something that causes a chronic skin rash.

A site devoted to squirt guns (http://www.isoaker.com/default.cfm, their motto "Leave no one dry") reviewed it and described the ooze as a greenish slimy substance that clogged the bathtub drain where they tested it.  They did say it dries up and peels off.  Uh huh.  A site devoted to reviewing squirt guns?!?  That makes for an interesting entry on your resume, I suppose.

What is it with squirting goop at people?

   

Hasbro Spider-Man Web Blaster, $20.  Comes with one web fluid cartridge, additional sold separately for $5.99 each in red or blue.  I couldn't find any description of what is in this stuff, but if it's anything like silly string it will leave an oily residue on any fabric or upholstery it touches.  And you thought drenching mom when she comes home from work was bad.

Squirt gun for the rich and pretentious?



Splash Cooling Spray, $12.50 for 5 oz, or $59.50 for 1 5 oz, 1 14 oz and 2 1.7 oz.  As the marketing copy says:

"Our Splash Cooling Spray provides a burst of refreshment for your skin. With each spray, you get a soothing aerosol mist of purified, sterilized water and medical-grade nitrogen. The ideal poolside accessory, this light summer spray hydrates dry skin, restores natural pH balance after exercise, revitalizes makeup, and gently washes away perspiration."

A plant mister would serve the same purpose and you could refill it.  Or just squirt yourself with the hose, damn it.  Courtesy of Frontgate.

And finally, my personal favorite nominee for squirt gun gone wrong.

Just asking to be shot on sight.



Umbrella water pistol, prototype only.  The idea is clever - it has a funnel that collects water at the top and feeds it down to the handle through the stem so you can squirt unsuspecting passersby.  The only problem, IMO, is that carrying anything that looks like a real gun, whether it's a lighter, squirt gun or umbrella is for future Darwin Award nominees only, as you're likely to be shot.  If the squirt part were more discreet, looking like a regular umbrella handle, this has real possibilities.  Thanks to my neighbor Matt for telling me about this.

Speaking of squirt guns, you really can take it with you.  But who the hell wants to?

   

Portable bidet.  While the picture would lead you to believe this is just a water bottle, the website indicates that it has a "low noise, high power" motor in it.  It's worth going to the website to read the instructions in more detail and see their fractured english descriptions of the many uses for this item.  Read more at http://www.yoongchang.com/product/bidet.html

Cool words and facts

A living squirt gun.  A squirt gun fish?  The Archer Fish squirts prey down off leaves and branches with a jet of water.  They are able to compensate for the refraction between water and air and adult archer fish hit their prey with a single shot.  Article here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archer_fish and video of fish in action here http://www.maniacworld.com/Archerfish-vs-fly.html

I think I still prefer to plant cover crops.  While the majority of nitrogen in soil comes from bacteria as a result of decaying plants and manure, ightning strikes fix nitrogen into the soil as well.  I wasn't able to find a really good article on this but this entry talks about it briefly http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nitrogen_cycle.

Yeah, but does this mean you'll be stalked by Winnie the Pooh?  Egyptians were right, honey really is good for wounds.  A New Zealand based company called Medihoney has various products for treating wounds and burns.  The honey they use is a particular kind, menuka honey, shown to be more effective at healing burns than other substances and far superiour to regular honey, so don't reach for your plastic squeeze bear just yet.  As far as I can tell this is not commercially available yet in the US.  For more go to http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22398921/ or medihoney.com.

Next up, actions have consequences.

I was asked recently by my friend Tori if I'm doing a Christmas or holiday blog.  Not really, but I did put in something here to cover that.  Starting with the best LOLCat captions - this time with a nod to Christmas.

              



And my personal favorite holiday LOLCat caption.  Yes, I know it's too cute, but every time I see this I smile.



As always, thanks to ICHC for these.

It will serve you right when these end up permanently glued to your heirloom end table



Candy Cane Shot Glasses, $6.50 for 2.  This is even worse than the shot glass ice molds I showed some months ago, as those will at least melt.  These may very well end up permanently glued to your furniture, becoming more and more dusty and gross.  And if you have a few too many shots, and pass out with this in your hand, you may have to cut it out of your hair.  Just drop a piece of candy cane in your drink, damn it.

Next, I'm revisiting a couple of past themes, with new items found online.  I hadn't really thought I'd found all the weird USB devices out there two weeks ago, but this one was still a surprise.  USB clothing.

Gives a new meaning to the term stuffed shirt.



USB shirt, $159.  An air conditioned shirt driven by your USB port, with two fans to circulate air inside it.  Anyone who works in an office where they need this should just get a fan.  It will serve them right if the fan snags skin or hair.

It seems I can't escape weird coolers and cooler products.  What is it about coolers that people just can't leave them alone?

I suppose you could use this to keep groceries cold if the store is far away.



CarryCool cooler bag, $156.  Plugs into the cigarette lighter port in your car.  The idea isn't a bad one as such, as these sorts of bags are usually cooled by frozen blue ice packs, which don't last long, but the thing only holds a few cans or a small amount of food and it costs over $150.  You can buy a real cooler, a solid cooler that plugs into the accessories port in your car for less than this shopping bag of a cooler.

Looks like a kitty litter scoop to me.  And I doubt it works on bottles.



Cooler Scoop, $21.00.  It's not like it's dry ice, just stick your hand in and grab what you want already.

And now for one of our main topics this week, the absurd auto gear files.

Auto accessories for people who fake their orgasms. 



Decano adhesive sunroof sticker, $25.  A sticker you apply to the top of your car so it looks like it has a sunroof when it actually doesn't.  Who exactly are you trying to impress with a sunroof anyway, even if you have a real one?  I think they should bundle it with some sort of stuff you spray in your hair to make it stick up and look as if it's blowing in the wind.  Of course, you could just OPEN THE WINDOWS.  

The same company also offers a fake turbo sound device.

Vroom, vroom



Problem is that you'll be found out as a fraud if you aren't careful to turn it up and down as you slow down and speed up.  Just fill your floorboards with concrete and buy an obnoxious stereo with an over the top base.  It will send them same message about what a jerk you are and will warn people that you're coming from further away.

An a sub-theme on weird car and truck gear, leave the trailer hitch alone already.

It will serve you right the cop gives you a ticket just on general principles.



Hitch Hands, $34.95.  You can bend the fingers in any way you want.  They also sell a locking hitch pin to protect these things from being stolen.  While I'm all in favor of creative self-expression, the redneck factor here is way too high.  And you know people will rearrange the fingers or add items to them every time you park it, which means you have to check what message you're sending every time before you drive off or you risk the possibility that you are driving around with the hand holding roadkill or a sign saying you have a fetish for farm animals.  Remarkably they claim to have a patent pending.  http://www.hitchhands.com/

A gift for the redneck who doesn't have any of his own.

   

Gonads for your hitch.  Prices range from $25 on up.  Also availabe in a wide range of colors, as well as camo, chrome and paisley.  Paisley?!?  I selected hot pink here with the ball-n-chain mount (not making that up) and the steel hitch cover.  They offer sizes up to 14", as shown here:

  

I don't think it's an accident that the picture shown on their website has them on a truck with several long horn cattle.  Can you say compensating?

The only useful hitch attachment I found, beyond various types of trailers of course.

 

Tail Gater hitch bottle opener $35.  24K gold plated.  Since a lot of car door latches no longer double as a bottle opener (what's with that, it used to be very handy), this could be a useful hitch cover if you aren't towing anything on the next camping trip.

What exactly are they seeking to free from?

   

Freedom Grill Ride Outside hitch-mounted grill, $350.  I wonder if it's against the law to open the back window and grill while barreling down the freeway at 70 mph?  Because you know someone who buys this thing is going to have passengers who do just that.

You really can take everything, including the kitchen sink.



 
Cooks BBQ Kitchen, $3500.  Propane stove, griddle, microwave oven, fridge and sink, as well as food and utensil storage boxes.  Why exactly not just buy a camper?  Or a free-standing camp table with sink from Coleman, plus a grill and cooler.  I'm not even going to comment on the microwave oven.


Just begging to be rear-ended.



Hitch mounted flat screen television, starting at $1600.  Add-ons include satelite, DVD player and internet access card.  www.onthehitch.com.  The About Us text from their website says it all.  The typos are highlighted by me.  I didn't even try with the lack of complete sentences, as they send their own message.

ON THE HITCH WAS STARTED BY EVERYDAY PEOPLE THAT HAVE CHILDERN. THEY PLAYED SPORTS. SOME PLAYED LITTLE LEAGUE, POP WARNER FOOTBALL, AND AYSO. MANY OF US HAVE CHILDERN THAT PLAY SPORTS YEAR ROUND. WE HAD A GREAT NEED TO ENTERTAIN OUR PLAYERS AND FAMILIES MEMBERS IN BETWEEN GAMES. THESE BREAKS COULD LAST UP TO 2-3 HOURS. NOW WE CAN ENTERTAIN WITH DVDS, INTERNET, GAME CONSOLES AND ON AIR HD TV. THIS IS HOW ON THE HITCH WAS BORN.

Sigh. 

Where the heck is the cooler or keg?  It's not included.



Ford Tough Champion Tailgate giveaway.  A contest Ford is running with the top prize being a trip for 8 to a football game, a trip to Arizona and a truck decked out for their idea of the ultimate tailgate party.  Here's the description:

The Ultimate Tailgate F-150: A fully-customized 2008 Ford F-150 complete with built-in gas grill, 5 plasma screen TVs, an XBOX 360 and much more!

I can't figure out either from the picture where the fifth screen is, but I'm unimpressed with five screens that look to me to be no bigger than the size of a laptop screen.  This is the ultimate prize for those who never want to leave the parking lot.  Thanks to my friend Colin for this.  You can enter to win here:  http://fordvehicles.emipowered.net/bcsbowl2007/register/index.php

For our second theme this week, extreme pet clothing.

Even for dog clothing sites this is over the top.  Look at the list of dog "clothes" here:  http://www.moderntails.com/dog-clothes/, where you can buy items of apparel in categories such as fall dresses, lounge & swim, tuxedos and cocktail dresses, and sleeveless tops.  They also offer jewelry (no, not collars, although they have those too), an armoire for pet toys and clothes, and a cradle.  Get a grip, people.  They also refer you to their social network for cute dogs, cutedogclothes.ning.com.  The silver lining here is that all these people will be safely occupied chatting with each other on the internet and not out in public inflicting their pets on others.

       

That holiday gown shown above is $260, the bathrobe is $35, and the bikini is $50.  One site I looked at offered cat apparel, but the pictures all featured dogs, probably because when they tried to put that stuff on the cat, the cat killed and ate the offender.  All this and more can be found at moderntails.com, happytailspets.com and handsnpaws.com.  

For your dog's inner biker

               

Dog biker hat, bomber jacket, harley jacket, sunglasses and helmet.  Apparently there isn't yet a hog made for dogs.  Just wait for it.  I did find a site dedicated to gear for people who ride motorcycles with their dogs, dogsonbikes.com and another dedicated to clubs of riders with dogs. 

There's one site that shows a cat not only wearing clothes, but seeming to enjoy it, as shown here.

Whoever owns such an annoying looking princess-of-the-world cat deserves the life of serfdom it no doubt demands.



On other sites I found yamulkes, yacht club dresses, wedding clothes and this faux mink stole and tiara:

    

Why not just keep playing with Barbie dolls and spare the poor animal?

Cool words and facts

Star Wars for real.  Astronomers have discovered what they (or at least the media) are calling a Death Star Galaxy.  They have photographs of one galaxy sending a violent stream of energy at another.

   

The image on the left is an artist's rendition.  The image on the right is a composite from NASA combining information from xray, optical, radio and UV telescopes.  Read the story at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22299201/ .

Whale ancestors walked around.  The ancient ancestor of the whale was a land-based hooved mammal called Indohyus some 50 million years ago.



Scientists believe they took to the water to avoid predators and became aquatic and omnivorous later.  Read the story here:  http://www.nature.com/news/2007/071219/full/news.2007.388.html.

Elephants are afraid of bees.  Scientists discovered that recordings from a swarming beehive woudl cause an elephant herd to move away from the sound.  Researchers in Africa believe beehives could be a technique to keep elephants away from tree plantations and farms, which they freqently damage as they feed.  Read more at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21196219/. 

Up next week, squirt guns gone wrong.

Best LOLCat captions seen this week, on a sci-fi movie theme again:

        



Best bumpersticker seen this week:  Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing people is wrong?

What is it with the manufacturers of vitamins for children?  Why do they make them look like candy?

       

Vitaball, vitamin gumballs, Vitabeans, vitamin jelly beans and Vitapops, vitamin lolly pops.  I've written previously about vitamin gummy bears.  I can't believe anyone could think this is a good idea.  There are two likely outcomes I can see.  1) Kids will overdose on vitamins, which causes digestive upset at the least or 2) these will have that nasty aftertaste that all vitamins do and kids won't take them.  Buy chewable vitamins, damn it.

And then candy coated medicine cups.

 

Just offer a treat after the vitamin or medicine.

What were they thinking?



Seen in my neighborhood recently, "Curby" recycle bins I'm assuming are from some other city, as the ones around here are yellow, blue or red depending on county.  I agree these would be hard for recycling trucks to miss but I'd think having dayglo pink bins would lower recycling rates just on general principles.

And now, on to one of our main themes this week:  From the misuse of chocolate files.

This may even taste good but this is just plain wrong.


 

Mo's Bacon Chocolate Bar, $7.  Whoever had the idea to even try this clearly need pharmaceutical help.  The company that makes these (Vosges Chocolate) offers, in addition to the varieties of chocolate with various exotic nuts, such must-have mixtures as kalamata olives in white chocolate, ginger, wasabi & black sesame seeds and one called woolloommooloo, with hemp seeds.  Woolloommooloo?!?  I'm guessing someone had their teeth stuck together with caramel and they really meant to call it something else, but the marketing goons didn't realize that.  That or it has the funny kind of hemp  in it.  From the marketing copy: "Hemp seeds are the true secret weapon in this scrumptious bar—packed with essential fatty acids vital to your body. Boost your vanity too; hemp oil will provide softer skin, stronger nails and thicker hair. Shine inside and out."  Uh huh.  I need no excuse to eat chocoloate, but if I did, I could certainly find a better one than improving my hair.

They also offer chocolate chips, ice cream, truffles with ingredients such as saffron and this gem of chocolate misuse, chocolate tortilla chips:



You can find all this and more at http://www.vosgeschocolate.com.   


Isn't the point of brushing your teeth to remove the candy?



Closeup Flavalicious, chocolate toothpaste.  Made by Unilever as a limited edition.  No data yet on whether or not this is still sold.

Chocolate Velveeta?



Chesdale chocolate cheese slices.  Packaged like Kraft cheese singles, and apparently similar in texture.  These may no longer be sold but were sold in the past in Asia.  I am trying unsuccessfully to figure out why they thought this was a good idea, especially in a market where cheese is uncommon in the first place.

For those unable to operate a spoon...



Hershey's chocolate milk tornado mixer.  Battery powered, makes chocolate milk when you add milk and chocolate syrup.  I'm not sure why a spoon or a whisk is insufficient.

And now, for the second theme, inappropriate pet gear.  I was going to include a section on the worst of pet clothing, but I found so much of it that I'm going to have that be one of the themes for next week's blog.

A pet for your cell phone.


Pet cactus to attach to your cell phone.  Assuming I wanted to have something dangling from my phone, I'm confident it wouldn't be something that would stab me if the glass were to break.  

Does it come with the straw?



Dog blind for hunting, $100.  This isn't really a crazy thing, but the pictures are amusing to me, especially the idea that how camoflaged the dog is if his or her head is sticking out.  Perhaps camo paint for dogs?

How does the dog put the coins in?  And where do they carry them?



Hey Buddy! Pet Vending machine.  From the marketing copy on the website:

Hey Buddy! is a brightly colored, pet friendly, convenient, easily accessible pet supply vending machine. Hey Buddy! is the only vending machine out there for pets. It offers a variety of pet products. It can be placed in various locations, such as dog parks, apartment complexes, hotels, RV parks, rest stops, veterinary clinics, and high-rises.

http://heybuddyvending.com/about.html

Aren't carnivores automatically on the Atkin's diet?



Doggie Vita doggie pasta.  As if a bunch of noodles are remotely good for carnivores.  Needs no refridgeration or heating before serving.  Well, that's a relief.  Here are the flavors:

Lasagna with wild boar meat
Fusilli pasta with salmon
Rigatoni pasta with grouper
Cannelloni pasta with venison meat
Cheese tortelloni pasta with walnuts
Cheese ravioli with hare meat.

I'm sorry, but walnuts ?!?  Why not a white wine sauce?  Or pesto.  Get a grip, people.  This same company makes a nutritional drink for dogs.  No data on whether or not it comes in flavors such as blue raspberry or frost.  Remarkably, both products have patents pending.  More at http://doggievita.com/

It will serve you right when your cat starts ordering cat porn videos with your credit card.



Video catnip, a DVD for your computer to entertain your cats, $19.95.  I understand that lots of cats like the videos people get for them but I think it sets a bad precedent to encourage your cat to use the computer.  Next thing you know there will be an LOLhumans website and stuff you never wanted made public will be up there for everyone to see.  More at www.videocatnip.com.  

Thought it was a cell phone headset?

 

Animalstars dog walking light, $22.95 with swarovski crystals.  Ear mounted light for walking your dog.  A headlamp would make a lot more sense.  They also offer collars and tags with birthstones and charms as well as a range of dog clothes.  More at http://www.animalstars.com/lighting.html


Dog Candy? 



Petit four legs artisan truffles for dogs, $15.  From the marketing copy:

"Based on years of working with high-end truffles for humans, this ingenius pastry chef has recently designed dog-safe truffles. Great for dogs of all sizes, these treats are perfect for smaller dogs who have a hard time chewing larger crunchier treats. We use rich (dog-safe) carob to cover a crunchy peanut butter cookie center and top the entire truffle with an intricate doggie-design. These treats are sure to impress!"

Impress whom, exactly?  Probably the same sort of people who buy dragon topiary (see the blog two weeks ago).  They can be found here:  http://www.chicpaws.com/inc/detail.php?id=234

This picture looks like he needs to be arrested for whatever he's thinking of doing with this cat.  Actually, the cat sort of looks like it should be arrested as well.



Oh My Cat cat perfume.  From the marketing copy:

OH MY CAT! perfume is an aromatic fragrance specially designed for the feline in your life.  As discerning as your cat is, it is sure to appreciate the exotic notes of fragrance Mandarin, Bergamot, Rosewood, Green leaves, Jasmine, Magnolia, Freesia, Cedar, Olive Leaf Absoloute, Sandalwood, Amber, Musk, Fleur de Vanille.  Made in collaboration with Comespar Laboratories, this perfume is veterinarian approved.  It is best to first apply any fragrance to your hand and then apply to a small amount to your pet to test their own reaction.  Both you and kitty will appreciate the refined and seductive scent in your home."

 

This is nothing short of creepy.  Anyone who uses the term seductive in the context of their pets needs to be locked up.  The silver lining is that anyone who actually applies this to a cat will get what they so richly deserve.
 
It will serve you right when you end up with shreds of cardboard everywhere



I agree that pressed cardboard is a great cat toy, because cats like to claw it but you're still going to end up with little bits of cardboard everywhere, pretty much forever as a result.

In case bits of cardboard aren't enough for you, you can have paint everywhere.

   

Kitty-Casso and Pup-Casso paint kits for pets, $24.99 each.  Sigh.  They also offer a party kit for up to ten dogs for $119.  Apparently you actually spread the paint on the paper, cover it with a paw protector (I'm assuming a thin plastic cover) and let the pet walk around on it.  You can find more here:  http://art-casso.com/. 

While most of this covers weird pet gear my friend and colleague Tori sent this weird story about pets.

Have trouble tripping over your cat in the dark?  Well, no more.



Glow in the dark cats.  I'm sorry, benefit to science or not, this is just wrong.  It's one thing to create mice with no fear of cats, but glowing cats is just weird.  If you haven't seen the videos of a mouse crawling all over and under a very bemused looking cat, check here:  http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/video/2007/dec/12/mouse?gusrc=rss&feed=networkfront.  The researchers discovered the gene that makes mice fear the smell of cats and removed in in some mice.  But this manipulation of cat genes, however accidental, will not lead to anything good.  You just know that the new purse accessory for people who presently carry a tiny dog like an accessory will be glowing cats.  The silver lining is the damange the cat will do to anyone presumptuous enough to attempt this.  See the story on glowing cats here:   http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5jRM8U57zvCnlmclb0PbMKYQTEFYg

Cool words and facts

10,000 years ago, no one had blue eyes.  The gene for blue eyes didn't develop until after that. Read inside this more general article for other information on genetic changes forced by the change from hunter gatherer to agriculture.  The article is: Culture speeds up evolution.  http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=culture-speeds-up-human-evolution  Another article addresses the question of when blue eyes evolved.  It discusses the speculation that blue eyes likely evolved for the same reason that light skin did.  Both are the result of less pigment.  When humans moved to northern latitudes where there wasn't as much sunlight, less pigment mean better production of vitamin D from sunlight and thus healthier people.  http://www.thetech.org/genetics/ask.php?id=160.

People with some initials fare better than others.  The initials of your names seem to predict who will do well in life.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22185233/ 

A single gene controls whether or not we learn from mistakes.  According to a new study released in the journal Nature:  "Most people tend to learn from their mistakes and avoid making the same blunder twice. Now research reveals a genetic mutation that helps to determine the extent to which certain people are doomed to repeat history."  http://www.nature.com/news/2007/071206/full/news.2007.358.html 

It really does rain less on the weekend.  While earlier studies have shown that it rains more on weekends, a new study published in Nature shows that Sundays are now the driest day of the week in a number of different regions.  The link to reduced pollutants, possibly because fewer people commute on Saturdays and Sundays, is less clear.  http://www.nature.com/news/2007/071207/full/news.2007.345.html 

Next up, weird gear for your truck and the worst in pet clothing.

This week's theme is inappropriate uses of the USB port.  But first, this week's LOLCat caption picks, this time with a graphic arts flavor.

   


Best bumper sticker seen this week, courtesy of my friend and college lab partner Marcus:  Your proctologist called.  He found your head.

I only wish I thought they were joking.



Thanks to my friend Sam for this.  I heard about this on public radio but didn't realize it wasn't a joke.  You can read the story here:  http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/food/2007/12/06/2007-12-06_balduccis_offers_ham_for_chanukah.html

Creepiest holiday greeting:



Message Bean, $14.  I am not sure I want to know how they do this.  Here's what the marketing copy says:  "Each of these magical Message Beans grows with an actual word lasered onto one side and an image on the other! Simply add a little water, and in just 1-2 weeks, the bean will poke through the soil, revealing the special message!"  Other options include birthday greetings, love and thank you.  I wasn't able to find a picture of it showing the image on the other side.  All I can say is that I don't even want to think about this same technique being applied to people.  You can find this at magicbeanforyou.com.  They also offer this as a corporate gift, with your own bean message and logo on the can it comes in.  While I'm all for novel promotion ideas, the ick factor of this is way high, and what if a competitor was able to sabotage the message without your knowledge? 

Best baby name book for your geek friends:

 

Sci-fi baby names book, $12.95.  With options such as Anakin, Abraxas, Barbarella and Darth, how can you go wrong?  Certainly it's unlikely there will be other kids with the same name in class.

And now, on to the main topic of this week's blog.  From the misuse of the USB port files, I offer the next range of items.  

What exactly can you plug this into?



I found many items with USB connectors that did not actually connect to a computer.  One example is the USB Bra, $75, presumably for your geek chic friends or perhaps for women who think a geek will find this attractive.

Now we'll move on to devices that actually use the USB port.  We'll start out with the silly, although I admit I once secretly populated co-workers cubes with devil duckies, but not the kind that attach to a USB port.

What is it about rubber duckies that they show up in offices so often?

 

USB duckies.  Since all my computers have USB ports on the back, I don't even get the appeal.  Assuming I even though these things were cute (and no, I don't), I wouldn't even be able to see them.

For those who never grow up enough to leave the stuffed animals at home.



USB drive stuffed animal, 128 MB, $59.  They also make a dog and a hippo.  Can you imagine the look on an engineers face if a co-worker handed this over with some code on it?  Now, on to the absurd.

And you thought real sushi was expensive:



USB Sushi, $65-249 per piece, with otoro (highest grade of fatty tuna) being the most expensive.  USB dimsum is also available, as is a bottle of USB sake.  http://www.dynamism.com/sushidisk/main.shtml

And yes, USB Barbie:



I will admit that I enoy the fact that the head is the cap for the connector.  I'm pretty sure this isn't made by Mattel.  Next, for a different take on Barbie.

For the geek who thinks it's OK to expense lunch at Hooters:




USB Pole Dancer, $34.99.  Apparently they got so many complaints from customers that Marks and Spencer in the UK pulled these from shelves.  Who knows how many people were saved from being fired because they couldn't buy one of these and take it to the office?

For the closet luddite:



Oooms wood memory sticks, $129, 2 GB.  You can also find fast food, Star Wars characters and who knows what else.

Blast from the past.



USB Office Glitter Rocket lamp, $12, for those who want an updated version of the lava lamp for their cube.  http://www.wishingfish.com/410592.html

I also found a range of USB items for personal care.

Where the hell do you spit the toothpaste out?



USB toothbrush.  You just know the USB toilet is next.

If your feet are always cold in your cube:

 

USB heated slippers.  Of course you'll pull the cord out or perhaps the computer off the desk if you get up and walk away without unplugging first.

In the personal care category I also found a shaver, an ashtray, heated gloves (how the hell do you type at the keyboard?), a massage ball and an aromatherapy oil burner.  I even found a USB sex toy.  In the office supply category you can get a pencil sharpener, shredder and a mini-vac to clean the keyboard.  

Gift for the geek in your office you're secretly hoping will be killed and eaten by office mates:



Motorcycle USB hub.  It makes a really loud engine reving sound when you pull the handle, pretty much like kicking a motorcycle starter.   http://www.thinkgeek.com/computing/accessories/96fa/

And then we have food preparation and storage.  

If you're going to be this absurd, at least put beer in it.



USB fridge, $30.  For the cube potato who can't be bothered to go to the lunchroom to get a cold can of soda.

I can see the drips of melted cheese or chocolate in the keyboard now.



Fundue, the desktop usb fondue set.  As if anyone who would hook one of these up would be able to entice anyone else in the office into the cube for a fondue party.  And the nuclear glow is really off-putting.

You'd almost certainly win the office contest for weirdest use of the USB port with this.



USB Noodle Strainer, $120.  It chills the noodles for somen.  I would think a bowl of ice water would work just as well.  You then get to demonstrate your skill (or lack thereof) with chopsticks as you fish the noodles out of the moving water bath.  The center island holds condiments and sauce.

And now my personal nomination for most ludicrous USB cooking device.

It will serve you right if you fry your computer power supply or motherboard in addition to your sandwich.



George Foreman USB Grill, $100.  This has to be a fire hazard and at least until USB 3.0 is available, I would be surprised if this thing can pull enough power to actually cook anything, other than perhaps your computer.  Too bad office cubes don't come equipped with a smoke hood.  From the marketing copy:  "Download recipes, enter in the type of food, weight and desired degree of doneness, and the iGrill handles the rest.  As your meal cooks, the subtle glow from under the unit increases brightness and pulses faster until your meal is perfectly done."  http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/looflirpa/igrill.shtml


For this last item, I'm just going to let the existing titles, marketing copy and the captioned photo from the catalog speak for itself.

Down Boy!  Who's your doggy?

"Harley and Duke are naughty doggies. They won't eat out of their food bowls; they track mud all over the place; they are constantly burying our pens; and they have a peculiar naughtiness whenever they spy a free USB port. They...well...they sort of, kind of, um... "go to town," if you will. And they won't stop until you um...separate them from the source of their affections."  

The good news is that this sort of thing is the career equivalent of a Darwin Award.  Anyone who thinks they should take something like this to work will quickly experience the HR moment they so richly deserve. 

On to other topics, it seems I can't escape the camping gear gone wrong category.

Who the hell wants to be woken up by their cooler? 



Coleman Electric Radio Cooler, $70.  AM/FM/weather radio with MP3 jack, runs on batteries.  It's also an alarm clock.  What is it about coolers that manufacturers can't resist doing weird things with them?  See several previous blogs for examples of motorized coolers.  You can learn more about this one at:  http://www.coleman.com/coleman/colemancom/detail.asp?product_id=6257-773&categoryid=8540

Can you imagine the type of person who would ride down the highway with this thing attached?



Uncle Boogers Bumper Dumper (no, I'm not making that up) hitch mounted toilet, $69.  Their tagline is "when it comes to #2, we're #1".  Sigh.  What is it about trailer hitches that makes putting weird stuff on them irresistable to some people?  It's like the hitch mounted chair featured in an earlier blog - it would work just as well sitting on the ground, damn it.  This thing actually has a US patent.  All I can say is I hope the patent examiner got free drinks out of telling stories about this in the local pub.  Although perhaps anyone who would award a patent for this deserves to never drink again.  http://www.bumperdumper.com/

Possibly the most expensive sleeping bag available.



O2 Planet Oxygen Detox System, $4595.  Supposedly it bathes you in oxygen.  No information on whether or not it will keep you warm.

Cool words and facts:

It turns out that most people prefer cars that look happy.



Seen in an article in a newspaper in Canada recently, an upcoming study on product anthropomorphism titled "That car is smiling at me" shows that cars that look like they are smiling sell better than the exact same car if the grill looks like it is frowning, among many other interesting product attributes.  http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/11/071112133756.htm

Why is snow white?  According to the National Snow and Ice Data Center:  "Visible sunlight is white. Most natural materials absorb some sunlight which gives them their color. Snow, however, reflects most of the sunlight. The complex structure of snow crystals results in countless tiny surfaces from which visible light is efficiently reflected. What little sunlight is absorbed by snow is absorbed uniformly over the wavelengths of visible light thus giving snow its white appearance."  Yellow snow is another matter, needing no explanation.  Learn more about snow here:  http://nsidc.org/snow/faq.html

Fever temporarily unlocks autism:  Some autistic kids can communicate and interact while sick with a fever, where they don't when not feverish.  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22080089/ 

Yeah, but what if you were to start sticking to other stuff without warning?  Skin is sorta like velcro, in that the cells stick together much as velcro does.  Scientists think this may explain why skin is so relatively strong and stays intact.   http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22116892/

Next up, misuse of chocolate and inappropriate pet gear.

I realized when I looked at most of my choices this week that I have something of a geek theme going, with a number of topics and absurd gifts for geeks of various sorts.  I also apologize in advance for the surfeit of LOLCat captions.  I saw a couple of themes emerging and wanted to provide them together.  I will control my caption mania in future blogs.

Best science LOLCat captions seen recently:

    

 

Best LOLCat captions from sci-fi movies:

      



And then this LOLCat gadget for your car:




I just wish they'd kept him locked up, as any responsible town would have done.  Best bumper sticker seen recently, even if it is several years old - A village somewhere in Texas is missing its idiot.

Do you suppose they equip the state patrol with cattle prods?  Sign seen on WA state highway last week:  Litter and it will hurt, apparently to the tune of a $1025 fine.  No information on whether or not any other sort of pain is included.  The state of Washington is also running a contest on this theme - create your own video on this theme and win something or other.  More details at http://www.litteranditwillhurt.com/.

Next I bring you an assortment of mostly ludicrous toys for various types of geeks.

What pocket short of a kangaroo's pouch could you carry this in?  



Wenger Giant swiss army knife, $1200.  Includes many useful items no one should ever be without, such as a golf club face cleaner (whatever the hell that is), a golf divot repair tool, a watch repair tool, a fiber optic tool holder (no data on how this differs from any other tool holder) and a tire tread gauge.  Of course, anyone other than the morons who would actually carry this thing around should be able to tell you that a penny is a perfectly good tire tread gauge.  $1200 is a lot of pennies.  Just buy a fully stocked toolbox already.  It will be the same size and cost a hell of a lot less.  You can learn about all the tools in it at http://www.wengerna.com/browse/product.jsp?prod_id=1260&cat_id=1&cat_name=Knives&sub_cat_id=23.  Remarkably, this thing is out of stock.

Career limiting cube toy choice, because of course the first person to trip it will be your boss.

       

Tri-Link Alarm System, intended to protect your office cubicle.  The three units have motion sensors and use wireless signals to communicate with each other.  The first sets off an alarm and flashing light, the second sets off a much louder alarm and points a beam of light at the target and the third launches its foam darts.  To see a demonstration of it in action, I recommend playing the YouTube video located here:  http://www.thinkgeek.com/geektoys/cubegoodies/9b78/.  I was going to embed it in the blog, but the LJ site insisted on placing it at the top of the blog, which isn't what I wanted.

The other risk with this is that officemates will activate it when you are out taking an overly long lunch, alerting everyone to your return when you try to slip in unnoticed.

Inevitably, they suggest using it to protect your (I'm guessing red) stapler.  If you don't get this movie reference, you almost certainly can't be a real geek. 

BBQ gear for people on your list who own a 4WD vehicle that has never been off road. 

   


In other words, they want gear they can pose with, not actually use.  Grillslinger BBQ tool belt.  Do they really think anyone wants hot grease and BBQ sauce dropping down their pant legs as soon as they start actually cooking with these tools?  And that leaves aside safe food handling concerns about using this with last week's grease in the holsters.  The marketing copy said it also holds a bottle of beer, but I couldn't find a picture of it with one, although I'm pretty sure that's the purpose of the pocket on the right.  Found on x-tremegeek.com.

Best bunny slippers ever seen:  Killer Rabbit Bunny Slippers.  

 

You're also not a geek unless you can name the movie that had a killer rabbit, or at least one or more computer games that featured it after that.  Bonus points if you recall that it was the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch that took it out.  You can learn more about cultural refernces to the rabbit here:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rabbit_of_Caerbannog  You can find the slippers at thinkgeek.com, for $34.99. 

The misuse of caffeine files.  Just drink coffee, damn it.

   

Caffeinated Soap, $14.97, Shower Shock glycerin soap, $4.99 and Shower Shock caffeinated shower gel, $12.99.  They claim each use provides 200 mg of caffeine, absorbed through the skin.  They also site research claiming that topically applied caffeine helps prevent skin cancer.  As does sunscreen, for a lot less money, IMO.   From the marketing copy:

"How about an alternative to your morning cup o' joe that you have to be naked to enjoy? Well here you go, peppermint-scented caffeinated soap! Jump in your morning shower and suds up and you'll get a bit of caffeine right through your skin served up with a nice therapeutic peppermint aroma. You can start getting your daily caffeine fix before you're even dressed!"

If you make your own coffee at home instead of buying over-priced drinks made with burned beans at the local Fungus of Starbucks, you don't have to be dressed to get a caffeine fix.  You can find more at http://www.x-tremegeek.com/templates/SearchDetail.asp?productID=13572&return=11590&core_cross=SEARCH_DETAIL_CUSTOMER


Just take a vitamin pill with your coffee already.



Speaking of caffeine, Gameface Sports Performance Gum, "fortified" with caffeine, taurine and B complex vitamins and the tagline "Just Chew It".  Uh huh.  Give a whole new meaning to the term bite me.  http://www.gamefacegum.com/

Do you suppose the FDA will require a warning label if you kiss someone while wearing this?  Of course, the likelihood that anyone will ever kiss someone who carries this stuff is vanishingly small.



Spazzstick caffeinated lip balm, $2.99.  I think the product name pretty much says it all.

And last my personal favorite:

And for those who want to get their fix while pretending to be crunchy granola types who would never touch coffee:

 

SumSeeds, $4.99 per 3.5 oz bag.  As the marketing copy states:  "They are quite frankly sunflower seeds imbued with the powers of caffeine, taurine, lysine, and ginseng (just like an energy drink)..."  While this use of the verb imbue is actually technically correct, please.  I am hard pressed to believe the target audience for this product knows the meaning of the word imbue, unless I'm mistaken and they think the public radio listener will see a need for this.  And I suppose the graphics on the SumSeeds website are inevitable - rear view woman in tight jeans next to 70s muscle car, as seen here  http://www.sumseeds.com/info.html.  

I can only assume caffeinated fresh veggie sticks will be next.  

And now, more camping gear gone wrong.

If you need a chair that can hold 750 lbs, do you even go outside?



MaxxDaddy chairs, models include Monster, Monster for Her (hot pink), Giant and Executive Lounger, as well as a tall "bar stool".  I have been camping with someone who had cheaply made chairs that won't even hold 150 lbs without breaking the first time out, but still.  Curiously, this ad was shown to me here on livejournal, likely because the word camping shows up in my blog fairly often.  You can see more at http://www.maxxdaddy.com.  The same company also makes soft-sided coolers, which is where I found the next item.

It will serve you right if someone sees you carrying this and calls in the SWAT team:



Kool Tube Cooler.  I appreciate that this is a more efficient way to carry a six pack than a bag slung off one shoulder and dragging you down on one side, but even though the redneck factor is far lower than the Beer Belly, shown here a couple weeks ago, I still think this looks like it holds a gun, or perhaps a bow and arrows.  Koolestproducts.com.

Because the Nieman Marcus Treetent was a hit in last week's blog, I started searching for other unusual tents and I found several candidates, which I'm calling:

Tents gone wild.  

Do you suppose it has little pockets for hymnals?



Missionary Tent Company - they make tents for religious revival meetings.  I'm a little unclear on why they think there's a need for a company that makes tents for gospel meetings, as I might have expected any old tent and pavillion company would do, but apparently not.  More at gospeltent.com.  

The tent for anyone you know with a dog wearing hair ribbons and toenail polish:



Camelot Pet Tent at catsplay.com.  You just know that the owner of this tent also has crocheted toilet paper covers in the bathroom, souvenir spoon racks on the wall and stuffed animals with bobble heads in the back window of their Oldsmobile.

The ultimate tent for the pretentious camper who doesn't have a suitable tree for the Treetent.



The site for this (exclusivetents.com) is actually a source for high-end safari and resort tents, but I couldn't resist.  Matt, I am still searching for a source for aerial tents.

Best campground conversation starter seen recently.

 

Pacific Outdoor Equipment Pack Flamingo, $20 for 4.  They're actually tent states and you can also get ligers (lion father, tiger mother), gnomes, palms or hippies.  Notice that the liger looks eerily like Dick Cheney:



The problem I see here is that in my experience, tent stakes have to be pounded in with a mallet or a handy rock, not just pushed in by hand, as the ground is usually too hard.  These things have to be inflated, which you can't do before you pound them in.  I can picture someone crouched down near ground level blowing these things up after they tent stakes have been pounded in, trying not to lick the dirt.  And I'm guessing a strong cross breeze could launch these things airborn, perhaps along with your tent.  

They also offer a whoopy cushion-like item you can attach to someone else's inflatable matress pad valve.  Which will then result in an escalating round of practical jokes.  On a trip where fish are caught, the idea of what the victim of this might put in your sleeping bag or pack suggests you should take a pass on this.

Gee, maybe it's because they no longer make it by hand.  Heard last week on the Fungus of Starbucks analyst call, excerpted in the public radio show Marketplace.  They have a sharp decline in the number visitors to each US store.  When asked if this was due to competitors such as fast food outlets serving better coffee, they said "...[they] can't compete with over 30 years of a fully qualified, vertically integrated experience", whatever the hell that means.   Chairman Howard Schultz went on to say that coffee drinkers who try out cheaper competitors will upgrade to Starbucks.  "Those consumers over time are going to trade up. They're going to trade up because they are not going to be satisfied with the commoditized experience or the flavor," he said.  I find that claim curious, as earlier this year they went from coffee handmade by their barristas to push button coffee machines in all stores.  This leaves only the burnt taste from their over-roasted coffee beans to distinguish them from others.

Cool words and facts:

Spatchcock - a method of cooking poultry, such as a turkey, by butterflying it (cutting out the breastbone) flattening it and then roasting or grilling. 

How to make a zombie cockroach.   It turns out there is a species of wasp that injects cockroaches with their venom and then the much smaller insect leads the cockroach to its hungry larva to be devoured for dinner when they hatch.  What is unusual about this one is that "The wasp then grabs the cockroach's antenna and leads it back to the nest. The cockroach walks "like a dog on a leash"..."  Apparently most insects that inject others with venom end up with completely paralized prety that cannot walk and has to be dragged.  

While this might be a somewhat less grisly end than being used as an incubator to hatch eggs injected into the body and then eaten, as some other wasps do, still, ick.   All horror movie screen writers need to do is follow the science news on insects for ideas.  To read more, go to http://www.nature.com/news/2007/071129/full/news.2007.312.html.

Smallpox resistance is associated with blood type.  People with blood types A and AB do not fight off smallpox as effectively as those with O and B.  Types O and B appear to confer some immunity to the disease.  By contrast, peopel with type O blood appear to be more suseptible to bubonic plague.  Learn more here:  http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=why-do-people-have-differ.

Up next week, inappropriate USB port devices.

This week I bring you the worst of Nieman Marcus fantasy catalog, always a study in gifts for the pretentious nouveau riche.  But first, a few of the regular features:

Best LOLCat caption seen this week:

   

I've decided I like the movie and science fiction theme captions for these, so you can expect more of them in coming weeks.  And again, if you don't get the caption, you missed a good if creepy movie.

Remember, only you can prevent crime.  Best bumpersticker seen recently:  If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.  

Do they have ground up crystals in them?  Seen recently at the local New Seasons grocery store: signs for one aisle indicated that in it you can find:

Soda
New Age Beverages
Sparkling Beverages
Bar Supplies and Mixers.

New Age Beverages?!? 

Now, for this week's theme:  Gifts for the pretentious snobs on your list. 

Given that this last weekend was supposed to be the biggest shopping weekend of the year, I wanted to offer several items from the Nieman Marcus Christmas fantasy gift catalog.

For people who have gold plated plumbing fixtures, the Vertu Signature Diamond Phone:



$73,000.  Do you know how many iPhones that is?  182 iPhones, that's how many.  Since a cell phone only lasts a year or two, how do you reclaim the diamonds?  Or do you suppose the owner of this thing will donate it to a women's shelter when it's replaced with a phone covered in endangered animal fur?

Want the Loch Ness Monster in your yard?  The 100' long dragon topiary:



Starting at only $35,000.  Here's an excerpt from the marketing copy from the catalog:

...complete with gold-leafed horns, claws, teeth, and fins. With its blown-glass eyes and custom-welded steel frame, it's an investment, really. 

Uh huh.  An investment in what, exactly?  I'm actually something of a fan of amusing topiary but please, gold-leaf claws?  And for this money, it should breathe fire at the least.

Need to escape the family when the holidays get to be too much?  Gem Triton 1000 Submarine:



Your own sub for only $1.44M.  Equipped with "Joystick steering, with a gemstone set in the stick. Matching gemstone key chain."  No details on whether or not the crew above - who look a bit like pirates to me - is included.  Delivery to your own secluded cove is part of the package.

Camping gear gone wrong, the ultimate edition:  The Treetent



For only $50,000 you too can buy this thing complete with hardwood floor and a round mattress.  Mink-lined sleeping bags are extra.  Why the hell not just build a treehouse?  Someone is sure to get seasick when the wind picks up, and what do you do when the branch breaks?

The ultimate misuse of chocolate:  His and hers portraits in chocolate.



At $110,000, it will serve them right when the inevitable happens, and there's a power failure, causing the air conditioning to fail.  That or the house will become infested with cockroaches.

Salt made from dinosaurs.  This next entry isn't from NM, I found it on drugstore.com.  All the emphasis below is mine.  Check out Himalania Pink Salt:  



There are so many things that are absurd about this, I almost don't know where to start.  A chunk of salt that comes with it's own grater?  Salt doesn't have essential oils like nutmeg or pepper. It won't taste different if it's freshly grated.  It will be amusing for your guests when you drop the entire chunk into your soup if you are silly enough to try to use this.  Also, from their marketing copy:  "Himalania Pink Salt comes from the foothills of the Himalayas. It was originally a marine fossil that was formed during the Mesozoic era.......Whether it is consumed raw or cooked, Himalania Pink Salt's subtle crunchy and incomparable taste will delight your senses."

Who wants to sprinkle marine fossils on their food?  And who the hell cooks their salt?  You can read all about it at http://www.himalania.com/.  It sells for $12.

Here's more hyperbole, clearly written when their marketing team had been out for a three martini lunch:

Imagine the sea from the prehistoric times of dinosaurs.
Imagine the purest salt being deposited in its most natural state. 
Imagine a mountain range emerging, creating the Himalayas. 
Imagine this salt being infused with magmatic elements. 
Imagine the prolific maturation of this mineral synergy.
Imagine men, in those remote places, during this day and age. 
Imagine their wealth with this precious gem coming from underground. 

Who imagines anything about their salt?

A kinder and more polite sensibility to the north.  I was on a business trip to Canada recently and noticed something that was typically canadian:  The do not disturb sign in my hotel said "Please come back later".

Cool facts and words

I'm not even going to comment.  Males evolve more quickly because they're simpler:  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21882948/ 

WIth a nod to Thanksgiving, why is dark meat dark?  A chemical known as myoglobin, and similar to hemoglobin, is found in muscle tissue.  The more myoglobin, the darker the meat.  It binds oxygen and stores it in the muscles, so it's available when the muscle gets tired.  Muscles that are used constantly (e.g. legs) need more oxygen, hence dark meat.  Read more at http://www.livescience.com/mysteries/071121-dark-meat.html.

The tryptophan myth:  Continuing the turkey theme, it turns out it's not true that turkey makes you sleepy because it contains tryptophan.  While it's true that this chemical is connected to sleep via it's role in the production of serotonin, all meat has comparable amounts of tryptophan, and cheddar cheese has more.  So you can blame the booze, the endless football on tv or your boring relatives, but not the turkey.  http://www.livescience.com/health/071120-bad-turkey-sleep.html

The sleeping brain replays events in fast forward.  Unfortunately, this one is available in abstract only, but research on sleeping rats shows that the brain speeds up events in dreams, which could explain why we often have dreams in one night that seem to cover much more time that we spent sleeping.  The abstract can be found at http://www.nature.com/news/2007/071115/full/news.2007.253.html.

 

 

I'm devoting the majority of this week's blog to things you shouldn't buy for anyone on your gift list, but first a couple of positive things:

Existential Kitteh:  This week's best LOLCat caption, another entry from sci-fi moviedom:



And for those of you who don't get this one either, well, watch more great sci-fi movies and less trash TV is all I can say.

Weaponry for McHale's Navy?  Best pool toy seen in quite a while.  The remote-controlled Water Cannon. 

    

You can raise and lower it, move it and spin it around, all via the curiously anthropomorphic-looking waterproof remote and it shoots water up to 20 feet.  Since at first glance it looks a lot like one of those automatic pool skimmers to the unsuspecting , the practical joke opportunities are legion.  It comes in two colors, each with its own remote on a separate frequency so you can get two and have water duels.  Check it out at:  http://www.hammacher.com/publish/74135.asp?promo=ou_barbecue 


And now, for your non-shopping amusement, a number of items no one needs.

Did they mean for this to sound like a bad Godzilla knockoff?  Silliest product name seen recently:  Grillzebo(tm).  The idea of a cover for your grill isn't a bad one, especially if you live in a place where it can rain any day of the year, although I think you could do it for less than a thousand bucks, but please - Grillzebo?  And I'm sure the roof will quickly be coated with carbon buildup and grease on the inside.



You can find it at:   http://www.brookstone.com/store/product.asp?pid=562694&wid=100&cid=59&sid=689&search_type=subcategory&prodtemp=t2

Cooking oxymoron:  Oilless Turkey Fryer.  If it's not cooking in oil, it's not a fryer, it's a roaster damn it.  I'm all in favor of anything that will prevent drunk weekend grill jockeys from immolating themselves, their friends and everything around them, but call it something else.  My nomination is "another useless one-trick food appliance".  You can read more here:  http://www.hammacher.com/publish/74707.asp?promo=outdoorliving


The Skymall catalog is always a source of entertainment, and it provided next three entries.

Red neck hunting humor:  Animated Hitch Critters:  



It will serve you right if the distracted driver behind you rear-ends your truck.  And I say truck because you know that's where these things will end up.  What is it with the desire to attach weird things to trailer hitches?  (Recall as an example an earlier blog with an item also seen in Skymall that lets you attach a hammock chair to your hitch).  I wonder if this is the consolation prize for those who couldn't drive home with a real buck tied to the roof.  You can see more animals at:  http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102524811&c=102195454

Is this how you want to wake up in the morning?  Mr Clock Radio:



You can get this thing to do everything from whisper to scream like a drill sergeant.  You know the kids would re-program it to do exactly that and as a result you'd go in to work looking like five miles of bad road after a weekend long bender.

And one I still haven't figured out, the Turning Leg Caddy:



I understand what it does, the site says it's for people with lower leg and foot injuries and it's supposed to be easier and safer to use than crutches or a walker.  But if you have a lower leg injury, how is resting your lower leg on the thing going to help?  After all, you have to pick up the other leg to move forward and then all the weight would be on the injured one.  Even better, the marketing copy goes on to tell you that it allows you to keep both hands free.  If that's true, why the hell does it have handlebars?

Outdoor gear gone wrong, the sequel -  Most of the rest of this is devoted to the absurd gift ideas for the weekend warrior.

The next two items were found on a website devoted to coolers (http://www.coolerfun.com), with the slogan "just say no to carrying your cooler.

They offer such useful products as the Beer Hip Belt Hops Holster: 


If you shake them up first, this gives a whole new meaning to the term six shooter. 

And for those places where you aren't supposed to take your own beer and where you also don't mind looking like a slob, under your tshirt you can wear The Beer Belly:


Is even beer worth looking like you're pregnant?  And I so don't want to know what conclusion people will draw when they see the wearer sipping a yellowish liquid out of a tube emerging from under his clothes.

I also found several items on a site devoted to "extreme toys for boys".

The hummer (notice I didn't say cadillac) of all motorized coolers:



For only $2150 you too can have this riding lawn mower wannabe.  The "offroad package" is $300 more.  Not sure whether or not that includes a roll cage, but it should.  I guess the good news is that when the inevitable happens and the cooler jockey rolls this thing, it looks sturdy enough to at least protect the beer.  Read more at:  http://extremetoysforboys.com/index.php3/item/item/Cooler%20Croozers%20-%20Motorized%20Cooler.html

Yes, but will it power your inflatable boat?  If you want a drink sure to cause brain freeze made with an outboard motor, try the TailGator gas-powered blender:



What I find curious about this is the idea that blended drinks can be made to be macho or that there is evan a market for an "extreme toy" devoted to making them.  This doesn't make them less silly, even if they are made in a blender started with a pull cord.  Horsepower alone cannot convey manhood.  Slushees are children's drinks (although I'm not suggesting anyone should serve booze to kids) and this is a criminal thing to do to good tequila.  At best, it qualifies as an implement of mass intoxication rather than destruction.  The fact that I'm assuming it will become increasingly hard to start as motor skills deteriorate could be viewed as an alcohol abuse governor of sorts, but sadly I suspect starting power tools is one of the last motor skills to go, long after cohernet speech and perambulation are long gone. 

The best part of this item is in the description:  It's powered by a 24cc two stroke engine.  Double that size and you have something that will power a motor scooter such as a Vespa, but why would they even describe it that way at all?  IT'S A BLENDER, PEOPLE, not a motor vehicle.  

And lastly, remember, it's a party foul to spill gasoline into the blender jar when refueling it.

If the idea of being a human RPG is your dream:  the MotoSk8 motorized inline skate is for you.


One skate is powered by a 22cc, two stroke engine, while the other is a more standard inline skate, so I guess this is sort of like a front-wheel drive car.  The back wheels are just along for the ride.  It also features cooling fins (perhaps that's what the PVC tube-looking thing is), a clutch, a carburetor, a fly wheel and an air filter.  The description would lead you to believe you are buying a racing car.  No data on whether or not it's also started with a pull cord, although the recoil from doing so would definitely impair balance; undoubtedly so would the alcohol consumption necessary to convince anyone to get on these things.  Remarkably, at $700 before S&H or tax, it's already sold out until after the holidays.  Lastly, does this thing look like it's hooked up to jumper cables to anyone else?

And for the future Darwin Award nominee on your gift list, the Flying Barstool motorized barstool racer:



Achieve speeds of up to 30 mph.  They recommend hopping on and heading for your nearest bar.  Sigh.  Read more at:  http://extremetoysforboys.com/index.php3/item/item/Flying%20Barstools%20-%20Motorized%20Barstool%20Racers.html


And as always, I'll wrap up with cool science facts:

The human appendix isn't actually useless or vestigial after all.  Scientists now think it's a backup reservoir for our good bacteria.  While largely unnecessary in the western world today, this is very important in places where incidence of dysentary is high.  Read or listen here:  http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=15271099.

Chocolate beverages were consumed much earlier than previously thought:  Shards of pottery with theobromine (the psychoactive drug in chocolate) were found from a site in what is now Honduras dating between 1400 BC and 900 BC.  According to the scientists who found it, rather than the drink chocolatl (which is the precursor to modern hot chocolate), this culture made a fermented beverage that was about 5% alcohol out of it.   Clearly, they were no fools.  Read more at:   http://www.livescience.com/history/071112-early-chocolate.html 

Brains in kids with ADHD mature later.  Scientists have found that parts of the brain in kids with ADHD finish developing later and may explain why ADHD often goes away in early adulthood.  Read or listen at:  http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=16227385.  What I want to know is - does this mean that those those who exhibit executive ADHD have brain atrophy?

Starting this week, I'm adding another regular feature - Best LOL Cats caption seen recently.  Perhaps you have to be a sci-fi movie geek like me to truly appreciate this, but this is the best one I've seen in a long time:



If you're interested in this sort of thing, there are many sites devoted to LOLCats, but my personal favorite and one that has been covered in Slate, the NY Times and others is I Can Has Cheezburger.  For those of you who don't know the site (written about in an earlier blog) please go to http://www.icanhascheezburger.com.  

So when will the fungus of starbucks start selling these?  Seen in a link on the Dan Savage column website this week, coffee colored and flavored condoms now for sale in Ethiopia.  The intent is to reduce HIV by increasing the appeal of condoms.  The article also mentions that they have released sweetcorn flavored condoms in China.  Uh huh.  The goal is excellent, but you can't deny the inherent humor.  You can read the story here.   http://www.guardian.co.uk/aids/story/0,,2204577,00.html.  What I want to know is if they are available in decaf. 

Can it do wheelies?  Camping gear gone wrong redux:  

                        

Many of you may recall an earlier blog where I talked about a gas powered ride-on cooler that could actually be hooked up to several others, like a mini beer train.  Hammacher Schlemmer is now offering one, which you can read about at:  http://www.hammacher.com/publish/74747.asp?source=NEW11607&cm_ven=WC&cm_cat=20071108_New116&cm_pla=BYR&cm_ite=74747_14_MPH_Cooler.  
The marketing copy informs us that it allows access to the beverages while driving.  I can picture the golf course accidents now.  The most appalling part of this is that the thing costs $500 and holds a whopping 24 beverage cans plus ice.  They actually charge an extra $30 for the seat rest.  Just buy a golf cart already.

Who exactly is their target audience?  Budweiser billboard seen recently:  Weirdly refreshing...
The only thing weird about this is how many people think this stuff tastes good.  In a town of truly great craft breweries, why anyone drinks Bud is beyond me.  

Is the first word you think of when thinking of humidifiers Adorable?  What marketing genius thought that was the most important quality in humidifiers?  



Seeing this thing, my first thoughts were does it make the room really icy and does it smell like fish?  Further investigation shows that the product line is called Crane Adorable Humidifiers.  You can see the entire lineup at  http://www.drugstore.com/user/promo.asp?promoid=62066&trx=29932&trxp1=62066.  I have no objection to making utilitarian objects visually appealing, and even more so for things that are aids for sick kids, but still.  My first thought on seeing this is that it should represent an air conditioner.

Re-labeling it doesn't make it less annoying.  In place of best bumper sticker seen this week I offer the best postcard seen this week:  

Whining is just anger released through a small opening.  

I am not going to offer any speculation on which opening that would be, as it's my experience that your mental pictures will be more visceral and meaningful for you than any suggestion I can make. 

This gives a whole new meaning to the term "phone sex".  If the person next to you on the bus seems to be having a bit too much fun while talking on their cell, well, now you know why...



OhMiBod cell phone activated vibrator.  Seen here:  http://www.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=170849&catid=22124&trx=PLST-0-CAT&trxp1=22124&trxp2=170849&trxp3=1&trxp4=0&btrx=BUY-PLST-0-CAT.  My favorite part of the marketing copy is that it includes a "velvet privacy pouch".  See picture above - how private is that?  The same manufacturer also offers a vibrator you can link to your iPod.  The marketing team outdid themselves with the copy for this one, although they did resist using the actual phrase "plug 'n play".  Read all of it at:  http://www.drugstore.com/products/prod.asp?pid=170850&catid=22124&trx=PLST-0-CAT&trxp1=22124&trxp2=170850&trxp3=1&trxp4=0&btrx=BUY-PLST-0-CAT.   I leave it to your imagination to insert the appropriate tunes for this, and no points for the obvious ones like Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On...  Please post comments here with suggestions.  

Is this really the first AI offerred on the market?  And before we leave this theme, there's another vibrator on the drugstore.com site which the marketing copy describes as "multi-speed and multi-orgasmic".  The mental picture of an electronic object getting off on its own was unavoidable.  That's quite a feat of engineering for a sex toy.

Random thought this week:  GPS was invented to allow men to ask for directions without losing face.  Perhaps if you use a tech toy to do it, it doesn't count.  That would certainly explain a lot.

They just don't get it.  Sign seen recently on the side of an office building in downtown Portland:  "If you worked at One Main Place, you'd be at work right now."  I have no idea whether or not that works for various condo and apartment complexes, the usual venues for such banner signs, but how many of us pick one tall building over another as the reason to apply for a job somewhere?

Cool words and facts:

Phrases that don't translate:  Poronkusema - Finnish for the distance a reindeer can travel without going to the bathroom.  Unfortunately, there was no explanation of how far this is.  Heard on public radio's The World, where you can read about more such words at:  http://www.theworld.org/?q=node/13838&answer=true.  Another from the same article is Gattara, which is Italian for a woman, with the implication that she's old and lonely, who devotes herself to stray cats.  Which reminds me of another bumpersticker I'd like to see:  One bad relationship away from being the crazy cat lady.

Mmmmm.  The science behind savory taste sensation generally known by the Japanese word for it - umami.  L-glutamate is the molecule responsible for the taste known as umami and a few years ago scientists proved that the human tongue has receptors for it.  As I think all of you know, scientists now know there are five tastes sensations rather than the four taught to many of us as kids.  Those five are sweet, sour, salty, bitter and umami, which describes the taste of meat, seafood, mushrooms, etc.  If you want to read or hear a story about it, go here:  http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=15819485.

Eat the pickle first.  Researchers have found that vinegar appears to slow the absorbtion of carbs.  Two tablespoons consumed in some form before each meal had a significant effect on the way glucose was metabolized.  Read about it here:  http://www.sciencenews.org/articles/20050108/food.asp

Why Egypt?  During the cultural revolution in the '70's, China pulled their ambassadors from all countries in the world except Egypt.  WTF? What I have been able to learn is that they had close ties, especially after the move to nationalize the Suez canal by Egypt and by the fact that Egypt was the only arab country to recognize China.  That still doesn't explain why there were no other countries they were close to.  Anyone know more about this?

What is it with the lack of bumper stickers lately?  I am not seeing nearly as many as I had and then I realized that I'm also not seeing nearly as many places around town where I can buy them.  So for this week I'm offering bumper stickers I wish I'd seen:

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to be one 

Don't make me release the flying monkeys

And for those of us who work from home:

I'm out of bed and I made it to the keyboard.  What more do you want?  

Quote for today and a movie to see in honor of it:  Remember, remember, the fifth of November.  Part of the traditional rhyme for Guy Fawkes Day, also used in a truly excellent movie titled V for Vendetta.  Rent it or buy it but watch it.

Pet peeve:  Using foreign words, especially fake foreign words, in advertising.  They've used french and fake french (notice that I didn't say faux french...) for years to imply sophistication in everything from yogurt to beauty products.  Now Lufthansa has ads that are a retake on the old VW ads, making up german-seeming words such as farezerfallen and ezenbooken.  ENOUGH! 

Best use of WTF in a sentence, or in this case in a book title:  Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, written by a photojournalist about his experiences in Iraq.  Here's the story on NPR:  http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=15840103  I'm hoping we'll see more examples of email and IM abbreviations combined with common spelling alphabets in this way.  Notice I didn't say acronym, because technically an acronym is limited to those things that can be pronounced as words.  Hence FBI is not an acronym, but FEMA is.  You can read the explanation of acronyms and initialisms here:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acronym

Lame health claim of the week.  Seen in my local store recently:  Gummi candy with anti-oxidants.  All the vitamins in the world won't change the fact that these things are sugar or corn syrup with gelatin and dye.  Eat fruit, damn it.  I'm guessing this is aimed at people who think most breakfast cereal is an improvement over feeding their kids candy in the morning.  Read the label people.  And while I'm thinking of it, they need to stop making vitamins look like candy.  Gummi bear vitamins are just asking for an overdose of stuff that can seriously hurt kids if taken in big quantities.

Something, anything other than another old glory.  Something I'd really like to see:  A construction crane with a pirate flag flying on it.  Why the hell do construction cranes always have american flags on them?  While I realize anyone can fly a flag and many people have very good reasons to do so, I still think this is like the lapel pin brigade.  The flag nazis want everyone to fly one or wear one and brand anyone who doesn't unpatriotic.  I'm guessing the same pressure is showing up in construction sites.  I'm off to look for a lapel pin version of jolly roger now...

Truth in (personal) advertising.  Best t-shirt seen this week:  Professional air guitarist

Enough with the inappropriate food tie-ins with personal care products.  Dial yogurt hand wash, available in vanilla or aloe vera.   I don't even get this one - who would wash their hands in yogurt?  And if they do want it to sound like food, what's with aloe vera?  I can only hope the inevitable dairy product line extensions won't include cottage cheese or sour cream with chives.

Cool words and facts:

Steampunk:  A genre of sci-fi and fantasy fiction, sort of like cyberpunk meets victorian gothic. 

Assvertising:  A term to refer to a campaign in NYC a couple years ago where they hired really attractive men and women to drop trou in Times Square to display underwear with ads for a local gym class called booty call on the butt.  Part of the ever growing trend to put ads anywhere they can.  Read or listen to the public radio story here:  http://weekendamerica.publicradio.org/programs/2007/11/03/your_ad_here_adventu.html

Rant of the week:  The limitations on choice for TV and movies available to buy, imposed by DVD region codes.  This is a topic I only recently learned about, after I had occasion buy the first season of an Australian sci-fi TV show called Farscape on DVD.  I'd seen a number of recommendations for it and decided I wanted to check it out.  I couldn't find a legal copy for sale anywhere in the US, electronically or on disc, so I turned to Amazon in the UK.  It arrived a few days later and I love it, now that I am finally able to get it running.  I was surprised to find out that my DVD player wouldn't play it because it wasn't made for this region.  For those who don't know, almost all DVDs and DVD players are locked to one geographic region.  

After a couple hours of research, I learned that to get it to play I had three choices - risk my DVD player being permanently trashed by flashing the BIOS with a patch that lifts this restriction, changing the player to run another region code, something you can only do 4 times before the player is permanently locked to the final choice, or installing shareware that allows it to run.  This is an original, studio manufactured set of DVDs purchased through a reputable vendor, in this case Amazon itself, not some pirate knock off.  It was simply made for europe and parts of asia, not north america and I didn't have a choice to buy the first season made for my region at all.  In this case, I purchased this online from the UK but like many, I travel internationally and can see a situation where I might buy a movie while traveling and expect that I would be able to watch it on my laptop.  They don't do this with music CDs and I don't think they should be able to do this with DVDs either.  Other countries have pending legistlation to stop the practice of the TV and movie studios requiring the DVD player manufacturers to impose these artificial limits and I think we need the same change made here.
 

Never buy a simple product when a whole gadget will do.  A new low in the "air freshener" product line extension market:  Febreze Scent Stories Player with five compatible fragrances on each "disc".  This thing looks a bit like a cross between a humidifier and a mini-CD player and you can buy different "stories" on disc.  The scents come from a partnership with Yankee Candle, an over perfumed product if ever I came within 100 feet of one.  Options include "farmer's market" and "spa day".  Curiously, there's a note at the bottom of their website warning that you the player can't be shipped to California.  I wonder if this is because that state has the toughest air pollution laws?  It certainly says something about the advisabilty of bringing one of these into your home.

Best example of making lemonade from lemons:  The Great Elephant Poo Poo Paper Company.  Paper made from, well, elephant poop.  Check them out at http://www.poopoopaper.com.  Their FAQ informs us that a single elephant turd can make about ten paper journals.  The company slogan is Two Bums Up (tm). A quick internet search turned up a company in rural Wales which manufactures sheep poo paper and offers reindeer poo paper in time for Christmas.  In an unexpected juxtaposition with the previous story, this company also makes sheep poo paper air fresheners, called poo-pouri.  Scents available are daffodil (I don't recall daffodils having any scent) and fresh cut grass.  They even use string made from the wool of the sheep to hang it in your car.   http://www.creativepaperwales.co.uk/ 

Is this aimed at the Gen Y crowd?  Bumpersticker seen recently:  It's not your fault; you don't accept responsibility for anything.

A conspiracy to get us to buy new cell phone batteries more often?  Heard in a radio ad recently:  You can now get XM satellite radio on your AT&T mobile phone.  Leaving aside the issue of whether or not a phone makes a good audio device and also the need for more rapid battery replacement, the less than impressive speed of their internet service doesn't make me feel good about this option.  I wonder if it has a built-in buffer or if it will be the radio equivalent of the early days of video conferencing, which has been compared to watching a slide show of someone faxing their face to you.  And then there's this warning about this service from the AT&T website:

DOWNLOADING AND/OR USING THIS PRODUCT WILL CONSUME A LARGE AMOUNT OF DATA AND YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL DATA CHARGES INCURRED. 

I'm guessing the sticker shock after the first month caused some complaints.

Do they really think this makes up for buying a gas guzzler?  Heard recently in radio ads for new Land Rover vehicles:  Carbon offset credits equivalent to 50,000 miles of driving offered with every Land Rover.  It's not that I object to carbon offsets, it's that I'd rather see them create a more efficient car or truck in the first place.

Like being a little bit pregnant:  Partial zero emission Subaru cars.  Huh?  I realized with a little research that this is an industry term applied to cars sold in some states as a way of delaying making completely zero emission cars but it's still a silly term.

Cool words and facts:  

Siamese Twins (used as a linguistics term):  Grouping of words that has an idiomatic meaning, such as for all intents and purposes or rock and roll.  For the wiki article on it go to:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siamese_twins_%28English_language%29

This puts a bad hair day into perspective:



Really creepy-looking fish known as ogcocephalus parvus or galapagos batfish.  Seen in the Oceana email newsletter today.  If I hadn't found a number of references to it, I would have assumed this was a practical joke done in Photoshop.

I still think increased air pollution by chemicals and furnishings is the biggest culprit.  Babies born by caesarian section show increased rates of asthma:  http://www.nature.com/news/2007/071029/full/news.2007.201.html  The belief is that children birthed the usual way are exposed to bacteria that help them develop a stronger immune system, where as a c-section is a very sterile environment.

No jokes about those of us of Irish and Scottish descent and who our real ancestors were.  At least some neanderthals were red-headed:  http://www.nature.com/news/2007/071025/full/news.2007.197.html

No comment department:  Strippers make bigger tips while ovulating:  http://www.ehbonline.org/article/PIIS1090513807000694/abstract

Proof that there really is a product out there for everyone:  


Pinhead Scottish Oatmeal, seen recently in a local grocery.  I realize that refers to the size of the oat but still...  Can you imagine anyone seeing this stuff in the US and being willing to be seen standing in line at the store to buy it?  I'm guessing they'd also have a copy of the book Breakfast Cereal for Idiots...

A new take on the concept of line extension:  Marketing to the kinky set?  Seen in the pharmacy department of my local store: Trojan Twisted Pleasure condoms, in a lime green package.  Pictures courtesy of the trojan condoms website:



And here's a picture of what it looks like:
 

The first thing I though of on seeing this was soft serve ice cream, which I suppose could be the point.  And I encourage all of you to go to trojancondoms.com and click the Evolve link.  You can watch the video of a bunch of pigs in a bar trying to pick up women, then one pig buying a condom from a vending machine and morphing into a man, with the implication that now he'll succeed.  I have to admit I enjoyed it as a good example of in your face messaging, even it it does suggest their main audience is people picking up strangers for anonymous sex.

Pet Peeve:  Poor journalistic word choices:  I was reading an article online about new evidence that early humans harvested shellfish and decorated themselves with pigments at least 40,000 years earlier than previously thought.  But I was jarrred by the word choice in one sentence, here:

Marean figured the early people, probably women, had to trudge two to three miles to where the mussels, clams and snails were harvested and to bring them back to the cave.    

Trudge?  Is there some reason they didn't just walk, or maybe even run or skip? There's pretty good anthropological evidence that our ancestors were walking upright 3.5 million years ago and I didn't see anything in the story to suggest the people in that region were crippled in some way or that they only harvested shellfish after a hard day at the office.   So why did the science writer from this article assume that people living 164,000 years ago were some sort silly caveman depiction of the no-neck hunched over type popularized by Alley Oop and other comics, when that idea was based on a skeleton later shown to have arthritis?  The entire article can be found here:  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21347464/   

Not a mental image that would motivate me to give money to a panhandler.  Seen on a cardboard sign held by a panhandler in my neighborhood:  "Too ugly to prostitute."  He was right, but jeez, once the initial ewww reaction was finished I certainly wasn't interested in handing over any cash.

Truth in advertising?  Seen recently in Portland on a beer delivery van:  Amnesia Brewing.  If you drink a lot of this beer, you certainly can't say that you didn't know what you were in for.   In researching this brewer, I found a truly cool website that will provide you with a list of local brew pubs for pretty much anywhere in the world:  http://beerme.com.  I was disappointed if not surprised that while Afganistan is an option in their drop down list, it didn't actually have any listings, although Iraq did show a listing for one that is flagged as now closed.

Huh?  Seen on the back door of a commercial van for a local independent cable company: Emergency Exit Only.  Leaving aside the fact that the notice can only be seen from outside  the van, why does the company think it is important to inform the driver of this?  How often do you crawl over a van full of gear to get out the back, assuming the back doors even open from the inside? 

Cool facts read or heard this week:

More on the shellfish story:  You can listen to or read a better article on the same story here:  http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=15391834 and a particularly good and detailed podcast here, with information not available in the other stories and an interview with the primary author of the research:  http://www.nature.com/nature/podcast/index.html.

Ogg did more than grunt?  Speaking of cavemen, new genetic evidence suggests that Neanderthals may have had spoken language.  You can read about this here:  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21362048/  The only gene known to link to spoken language is identical neanderthals and modern humans.  Humans with a flaw in this gene have severe problems speaking.

Will health nazis start force-feeding us antibiotics now?  Scientists have discovered bacteria in the human gut they think may be responsible for or perhaps a side effect of our craving for chocolate.  You can read about it here:  http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2007/10/12/chocolate-craving-hea.html?category=health&guid=20071012140000

Swearing on the brain?  The area of the human brain known as the Amygdala is activated when someone swears at you. You can hear this as part of the NPR Talk of the Nation podcast found here:  http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=15370150.  It was part of a talk with Harvard psychology professor Steven Pinker about his new book The Stuff of Thought, which discusses what language shows about how we think.  I also heard a report on a study done in Scotland which found that swearing in the workplace reduces tension and improves morale.  You can read a synopsis here:  http://news.scotsman.com/scotland.cfm?id=1655422007

If you think he isn't listening to you, there may be a "medical" reason.  Viagra and similar drugs are now linked to possible risk for sudden hearing loss.  You can read the story here:  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21368309/  I particularly enjoyed the use of the word ironclad in this context...

For the budding sociopath on your gift list.  My nomination for most sadistic gift idea this year:  Remote controlled tarantulas, seen here:  http://shop.nationalgeographic.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=3168&itemType=PRODUCT&RS=1&keyword=tarantula  And my favorite part:  "for ages 6 and up".  I realize not everyone is afraid of spiders but I still - is it really a good idea to encourage small children to terrorize others?  They already come up with enough ways on their own, without adding electronic gadgets to the mix.  At least make them work for it by using their own imagination and creativity.  And I wonder if you could get the Roomba robotic vacuum to chase it and suck it up?

Speaking of robots:  I looked at the iRobot website to see what else the maker of the Roomba robotic vacuum was up to and found Scooba (floor washer), Looz (gutter cleaning) and my personal favorite, ConnectR virtual "visiting robot".  Seen here http://www.irobot.com/sp.cfm?pageid=338.  They suggest you can use it to "make sure you don't miss out on special moments at home, even when you are away".  Suggestions include talking to your pets when on vacation.  Sigh.  I'm all in favor of video conferencing where appropriate and I realize many families are separated by long distances due to things like jobs and military assignments, but I am confident that if I sent a self-propelled little red robot after my cats when I'm traveling on business they would never forgive me.  And privacy issues aside (because I'm sure this thing will be hacked), anyone silly enough to buy one of these deserves what they get when their kids call it up from a friends house so they can all watch you in the bathroom.

Non sequitur:  I was reading a story online about the process by which some species propogate themselves without sexual reproduction.  The term is parthenogenesis.  Here's the interesting part that occurred to me after reading about some of the species that do this, including some kinds of birds and bees:  Why do we call sex education the birds and the bees?

Garlic candy?  In my local grocery store recently I saw bags of individually wrapped garlic cloves.  I agree that this is useful if you need a lot of garlic cloves, but it looked like a bag of candy.   Now wouldn't that be a vile halloween prank? 

Proof that in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king:  In a meeting with the South Korean president recently the North Korean leader Kim Jong Il claimed to be an expert on using the Internet.  Given that the Internet is pretty much completely inaccessible to the majority of the population in North Korea, that isn't saying a hell of a lot.

But will it keep the Internet refrigerator company?  A hands-free can opener, perhaps for the kitchen that has an internet enabled fridge that can order milk for you when you run out.  I've seen variations on this in several places lately, including on an endcap at my local variety store marketed as one of the "as seen on TV" products.  They're also selling a higher end looking version at Sharper Image here:  http://www.sharperimage.com/us/en/catalog/product/sku__SI212STN   Of all the kitchen appiances to choose from to make food prep and cleanup easier, is this the best they can do?  I want garbage and recycling bins that go to the curb on their own.  Opening cans isn't even on my top 50 list.  No evidence available on whether this thing will leap off the counter onto the top of the can to be opened, in keeping with a true hands-free product.

A new feature I'm trying out here:  Cool words and facts I learned this week

Earworm - term for song or jingle you can't get out of your head, sometimes also referred to as annoying song syndrome.  And just because I'm feeling a bit devilish, here's one for all of you:  The song played in the Disneyland attraction It's a Small World.  Now try to get that out of your head....

How the past tense in English has changed.  As an example, the old english past tense for the verb help was holp.  It morphed into what is the now standard and regular way of expressing past tense (adding -ed to the end of the word, in this case helped) over time.  Only very common verbs such as to be, to eat, and to go have stayed in their earlier and irregular forms.  For an article on irregular verbs becoming regular go to http://www.nature.com/news/2007/071010/full/news.2007.152.html  And while the article doesn't talk about plural nouns, we have only a few remaining examples of plural nouns from old and middle english, which were created with an -en on the end of the word rather than an -es.  Some examples are children, oxen and brethren.

 

Just in time for an absurdly early holiday shopping season, I've found several particularly appalling items on offer:

If you have $2000 to spend on a ludicrous gadget and like to give pretentious dinner parties (at least once, as I'm guessing no one returns), buy the French Duck Press:  http://www.hammacher.com/publish/74226.asp?promo=new_items.  Who the hell needs to press duck at home?

For the home fitness enthusiast who not only talks to self but probably argues with self, check out the Ropeless Jump Rope  http://www.hammacher.com/publish/74619.asp?promo=new_items.  While it's true you won't trip yourself with this thing, you will spend $60 on something you can get with rope for about a tenth of that. 

For the narcisist on your list, there's the Self Portrait Camera Arm:  http://www.hammacher.com/publish/74580.asp?promo=new_items.  I think people interested in this should just go back to using the company photocopier to take pictures of assorted body parts and then get the tush burn they so richly deserve.  

Goose problems?  Goose problems!?!  Seen in a Minneapolis airport concourse on a poster ad:  Flightcontrol.  Thinking this was an aviation ad, I then noticed the picture of a canada goose and the words:  Goose Problems?  Flightcontrol.com takes care of it.  I checked the website and this is a product you spray on your lawn to repell geese.  They migrate through here where I live and I see them on various open lawns around town but I certainly haven't ever seen evidence that they attack people at the doors to buildings or on golf courses, as the website seems to indicate.  To their credit, they claim this product is non-harmful, only mildly irritating the goose digestive tract while showing up in the UV spectrum so geese (who can see into the UV) will learn to avoid treated areas.  Have any of you ever seen a problem with attack geese?  I've encountered an attack swan more than once but never one or more attack geese.

Is this the best the marketing deparment could so, or was it intended as a joke?  I realize it must be hard to distinguish your product in the self-care market with commodities such as anti-perspirant, where scent and image are the main differentiators.  I also realize skin feel is a big factor, based on the ads seen as well as personal experience.  I still think Degree anti-perspirant ads are reaching with this one:  Seen recently in an in-flight magazine, their big claim to fame aimed at men:  No goop.  I couldn't find this online so you'll need to use theater of the mind here.  Picture men with various non- Degree solid anti-perspirant containers dispensing globs of what looks like those cans of slime they market to pre-adolescent boys.  I guess they think when those same boys grow up, goo has lost its appeal.  The ads looked to me like clueless guys applying hair gel to the wrong hair.

This is almost certainly more entertaining in imagination than in reality.  Overhead in the airport bar at a small town in Wisconsin recently:  "...like monogamy......the kumbaya thing."  Said by one air force serviceman to several others while waiting for their flight.  I'm still not sure if I'm sorry or thankful I didn't heard the rest.

Is this a new way to get people to buy fast food more often?  Because the gods know we need more of that in the US.  Seen on a local billboard:  Rent DVDs at Mickie Ds for $1.  Do you suppose they ask people if they want fries with that when customers rent Supersize Me?

Am I the only one who will now associate eating Campbell's soup with cancer?  Seen in my local grocery recently, pink cambell's soup labels for breast cancer awareness - chicken noodle and tomato were offered.  Totally new label, with the red replaced with pepto-bismal pink.  This is known as cause marketing and it's supposed to make people feel good about the company and about themselves for buying the company's products, but I for one thought it just looked weird.  And data I found at an online marketing analysis site suggests the breast cancer research donation works out to about 3.5 cents per can.



Proof that if you mix it with alcohol, some people will drink almost anything:  Jellyfish Sours.  First heard as part of an NPR story last week.  The seas around Japan have declining seafood stocks from overfishing but a big increase in jellyfish.  An entreprenuer there has developed over 20 new products to make with the suddenly abundant jellyfish is now offering a cocktail made with them.  The cocktail is made with jellyfish and whisky.  You can find the story here:  http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=14912443  I wonder if this is a frat boy thing in Japan, as I expect it would be if sold here. 

Another movie/food tie-in gone wrong:  Spiderman Jolly Time popcorn.  The package exhorts kids to collect all 7 packages.  Note that these are cardboard boxes of microwave popcorn, not re-usable tins that you might actually want to keep around.  Apparently they expect to sell to people who will pay to receive advertising. 

Best bumpersticker seen this week:  What if the hokey pokey IS what it's all about? 

I know that isn't what they meant, but still...  it brought to mind a swingers RV park.  Seen on a recent camping trip on the Washington coast:  Peg's Adult RV Park.  Maybe there's more going on in those trailers than we'd realized.  And now I'm really sorry I thought about that.  To set the record straight, I stayed at a nearby state park campground.

Best t-shirt seen recently:  In a local bookstore, a t-shirt with their Powells Books logo represented in the font style used by the original Star Wars movie, with a little cat below it showing a thought bubble saying "I'm your father".

Why do they think they need to warn us about this?  Road sign seen on the approach road to the Portland airport:  "Landscaping changes ahead".  Do they think if they don't tell us this that people will drive off the road if a familiar tree is gone?  Or perhaps they're installing racey topiary.

Is this intended to alleviate complaints to the state highway department that they're slacking on the job?  Sign seen recently on an interstate highway:  Intermittent Road Work.  I'm now hoping to see a sign announcing random road work.

Best example of making lemonade from the lemons in life.  T-shirt seen on a woman at the airport  "In dog years, I'm dead".

Truth in advertising?  Seen recently in an airport:  A Frontier Airlines jet with a picture of a raccoon decorating the tail.  What marketing moron thought a rapacious scavenger represented the image an airline wants to project to customers?  Given the way all the major airlines are treating passengers lately, I have to give them credit for honesty.  I'm hoping others will follow suit so we can see jets decorated with hyenas, wolverines and rodents.  Update:  I went to their website and saw the entire lineup of animals.  You can find the pictures and planes they decorate here:  http://www.frontierairlines.com/frontier/fun-stuff/animal-tales-continued.do.  If you want to see the silly anthropomorphism behind these "spokesanimals", go here:  http://www.frontierairlines.com/frontier/fun-stuff/animal-tales.do;jsessionid=61ac07111afdd26057f5bb465b9c8

Inappropriate malt liquor + food fad redux:  On a bilboard seen recently:  Green Tea Gone Crizazy!  Smirnoff Raw Tea Green Tea.  Yet another attempt to merge a vile tasting high alcohol beverage with the latest health fad.  Apparently they offer green tea on the west coast and regular black tea (iced tea) on the east coast.  After a bit of searching I found this stuff, not on the main smirnoff site, but at http://www.teapartay.com.  From this site you can watch annoying pseudo rap videos and enter games.  The marketing angle appears to be convincing people that this stuff is upscale malt liquor.  Uh huh.

Like I ever needed that mental image.  Seen on the highway in rural Oregon:  A store named Fat Cobra Adult Video.

 

Camping gear gone wrong redux:  http://www.outlawcamping.com/store-products-50-00WG-WH-Cruzin-Cooler-Coolagon-Trailer_25717485.html.  A motorized ride-on cooler, gas or electric options, that you can connect together to create a train of rolling coolers.  I can't even come up with a need for this, unless you decide to operate a bootleg retail operation to remote backpacking campsites.

Now you can burn coffee for yourself:  First they convince people to drink overpriced coffee made from over-roasted burned coffee beans.  Now another company has decided this trend means people want to smell burning coffee in their fireplaces.  Java Log, http://www.java-log.com.  I actually do laude this, as it's made from spent coffee grounds, and the gods know there are a lot of those in this country.  But I saw these in the store and they are very expensive.  And here's this potentially creepy statement from their FAQ:  

What gives Java-Log Crackling its “Crackle” sound?
Java-Log uses an all natural, food safe and patent protected ingredient which is safe-burning for your fireplace while also giving you a soothing real wood fire sound.

Real wood fire sound?  Wouldn't burning wood do that as well?

Collectible cans of scary pig parts:  It's the 70th anniversary of Spam (the meat product, not junk email).  Their website even offers three "collector's edition" cans.  Collect them all, it says.  Uh huh.  Who the hell collects food? 

Cocktails for your feet?  In a reversal of the usual health trends to sell alcohol (see past blogs on things like green tea malt liquor) now there's a trend to use mixed drinks to sell other products.  Patagonia has urban hiking boots called Rum and Coke.  http://www.patagonia.com/web/us/product/product_focus.jsp?OPTION=PRODUCT_FOCUS_DISPLAY_HANDLER&style_color=79498-395  I like a drink as well as anyone but please.  And why rum and coke as opposed to say gin and tonic?

It's not convenience food if all you did was shrinkwrap it.  Seen recently at my local grocery store:  An uncooked russet potato wrapped in plastic wrap and billed as "microwave potato" for about twice what the unwrapped potato sells for.  I'm all for convenience food, especially if it's something that is reasonably good for you that you might not otherwise prepare, like cut up crudites, but GMAFB.  How hard is it to wrap a potato in plastic? 

Way too much like a best by date stamp for your kids:  Huggies Suncare Sensors are stickers you put on your kids, which change color as they have had too much UV exposure.  http://www.littleswimmers.com/na/products/suncare.asp?WT.mc_id=01010103  I guess this is for those people who can't just put sunscreen on them in the first place.   They'd be better serving the health of the nation's kids if they made stickers that change color after too much time in front of the TV or video game console.

A candidate for this year's useless electric appliance awards:  Much like the s'mores makers or the electric hot dog cooker that's essentially a pop-up toaster with holes for hot dogs (how the hell do you clean that thing), I saw another ludicrous electric kitchen item in my local department store recently.  The Toastmaster rechargable cookie press.   I'm all for home made cookies and some cookie presses do make your hands sore but still, a rechargable cookie press.  Why not a rechargable rolling pin?

Because we all needed another drinking game in the world:  Roulette shot game - you fill the shot glasses with the tipple of your choice and get drunk while playing a game of chance.  I don't even need to comment on this one.

Fast food booze?  Pocket shot "flask on the fly" - palm-sized pouches with booze (whiskey, rum, vodka, gin and tequila) in them.  http://www.pocketshot.net/home/index.php?option=com_frontpage&Itemid=1  I guess a flask is a dead giveaway at work, but do they really think a bunch of little pouches you slip into the washroom to toss back won't be noticed by colleagues?

Best bumper sticker seen this week:  Wag more, bark less.  

Does this mean pretty soon we won't need to eat at all, just drink the right flavor of coffee?    Seen recently at the grocery store:  Cinnabon flavored coffee from Seattle's Best.  What is with this trend in coffee, where it's supposed to taste like things you might eat.  Pumpkin Pie latte, blueberries and cream iced coffee and now cinnamon roll coffee.  And as far as luring people to buy this particular flavor goes, I'm pretty sure this only works if they pipe the cinnabon smell into the air, they way they do in airports.

Why didn't they include the whole lighted shrine while they were at it?  Seen in a campground parked in front of an RV:  a 2' tall concrete angel statue.  It appeared to be guarding the trailer hitch.  I have no data on they felt they needed to haul a heavy icon around while camping.

Yeah, but who the heck is flying the plane?  I don't even get this one.  Another several story tall 
fungus of Starbucks ad painted on the side of a building in Portland:  Friends make great co-pilots.  This one didn't have a URL.  If it's an attempt to generate more business by getting everyone to bring a friend along for their overpriced and burned coffee, it seems a bit to obscure to me to succeed.

Now they're using made-up latin to sell the illusion of riches to the poor?  Lottery billboard ad:  a picture of a huge penny and the slogan "e pluribus funum" next to scratch off lottery tickets.  Another billboard shows "Some pennies are destined for greatness... Scratch-its."  Please.  From many comes fun?  With the types of odds the lottery offers?

Second best bumpersticker seen recently:  Religion ruled during the dark ages...

Did they mean to suggest that like the lottery, your odds of it working are millions to 1?  Seen on a billboard recently:  Get the Comcast Challenge - Get the triple play bundle, which is cable tv, the internet and land line phone service.  While not a customer myself, some people I know have reported that it is always a gamble whether or not it will work, so perhaps this represents truth in advertising.

Want a gameshow with your guacamole?  Seen on various billboards around town, the usual picture of an avocado, but now with this URL:  http://www.californiaavocado.com.  You are invited to play a gameshow, where you select which item is irresistible.  Examples include a hunky guy or an avocado, a diamond ring or an avocado and a puppy or an avocado.  I did notice things like ice cream, chocolate and sushi were not offered for comparison with avocados.

What is with this junk food trend to make things taste like actual entrees?  Reminiscent of the old reeses peanut butter cups ads, we now have Dorito's Collisions - Hot Wings and Blue Cheese flavored corn chips.  I guess if we eat these types of chips and drink the Cinnabon coffee, we are supposed to think we don't need to eat food with actual nutritional value.

And I was thinking it just the muzak, turned up really loud...  Only in California.  Seen on a sign posted at the elevator in a hotel in Santa Monica: "The fire alarm sounds like "WHOOP" and looks like a flashing light.  Having been in hotels when fire alarms go off a number of times, I can assure them that no one is confused about what the ear piercing sound (sorry, ear piercing WHOOP) means.

Only in California, 2:  At the Santa Monica Pier, there is a public access elevator to the beach.  I was disappointed that it wasn't connected to a moving sidewalk, as you still had to cross several hundred yards of sand to get to the water.

Napping allowed only from 7am to 9am?  Seen on a sign on the door into the Barnes & Noble store on the 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica: "Sitting or lying in this entrance is prohibited between the hours of 11pm and 7am", with the local ordinance number cited for reference, in case you are both homeless and have the abilty to look up the law.  As the store is open from 9am to 11pm, I had to wonder, is it ok to sit or ly there when the store is open, or only from 7am to 9am?

Who exactly is the desired demographic here?  Heard in Santa Monica, also on the promenade, opera music blaring from an athletic shoe store.  Are they hoping to lure in the public radio crowd or trying to elevate (?) the musical tastes of those rap listeners who are buying overpriced trainers?

I think they are secretly hoping someone will buy this and add it to the rooftop pool:  For sale in the minibar at The Standard Hotel in downtown LA.  A full-sized bottle of Mr. Bubble.  Problem is, the rooms don't have tubs, just showers....

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but are these words you wanted to picture?  The Standard hotel used a lot of familiar industrial symbols for things.  For example, the do not disturb door hanger had a freeway-type Do Not Enter symbol on it.  Others were more novel, created for the hotel.  The reverse side of the do not disturb sign had a picture of a woman with a toilet brush, presumably to indicate maid service is needed.  Here are a couple pictures of some of the more unusual symbols on various items in the room.  On the toilet paper, a sticker was used in place of the usual little folded point and looked like this:



No comment even needed. 

The sign that read no smoking had this graphic:



 I assume this was to take the place of the usual "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action".  And on the package of condoms for sale in the minibar, there was only this:



With apologies for the pun, I have to say, the pictures pretty much cover all the bases.

I'm truly sorry to report that I saw nothing blog-worthy in the almost four days I spent traveling by train in a sleeping car on Amtrak this week.  But it was indeed a great trip.

Does Pepsi think we need tap water for our lips?  Aquafina Hydrating Lip Oil - seen in the local variety store, hanging on the sunscreen display, even though there is no sunscreen in the tube.  A check of the label showed that this is actually licensed from Pepsico by a cosmetic company, no direct connection to Pepsi.  Apparently they think the Aquafina brand is associated with what exactly? Glossy lips as opposed to plastic waste and mediocre tasting water?  The tube contains oils, including some known to be skin irritants.  And leaving aside the brand dilution to Pepsi, what about the bad judgement shown by this cosmetic company?  I have to assume this product launched before this story broke:  http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/07/27/pepsico.aquafina.reut/index.html.  It was no particular surprise to learn that Aquafina and I assume other brands of bottled water are nothing more than tap water.  Does that suggest this lip product is really nothing more than cooking oil?

Not enough Star Wars in your life?:  http://www.hammacher.com/publish/74088.asp?source=NEWS7007&cm_ven=WC&cm_cat=20070731_News70&cm_pla=BYR&cm_ite=74088_R2D2_Home_Theater_System  R2-D2 home theater, voice activated robot and my personal favorite, the wireless web cam.  If you were trying to keep an eye on the kids or the dog from your office, I'm pretty sure you should use something a little less obvious than a 3 foot tall robot to do it.

Timeshare a dog?  http://www.flexpetz.com/  $100 per year account fee, $50 per month, $150 one time fee to work with trainer and $25-39 per day with dog plus delivery and pickup fees.  I shudder to think what will be next, although you could argue that escort services have had that market sewed up for years...

Best bumper sticker seen this week:  Dude, where's my country?  I've wondered the same thing myself for several years.

Public restroom redux: http://www.americanrestroom.org/design with a list of considerations in designing a public restroom. Particularly appalling is the suggestion that the stall should only be big enough to accommodate a toilet, as this prevents "unintended use".  Unintended use!?!  And they don't seem to say anything about accommodating the toilet and the person using it, let alone the person and their belongings.  I can say from vast experience with public restrooms that most airports have taken these recommendations to heart.  The people who wrote that should be sentenced to an eternity trying to use a small toilet in an airport while trying to find a way to get into the stall with even a small carryon bag.

Is this really the message they want to send?  Menu item at a local vegan restaurant:  Live Nachos.  Leaving aside the idea that a vegan doesn't eat things that were alive outside a vegetative type of existence, the idea that my nachos or any other type of food might be alive (and possibly moving around) is not one I want to contemplate, even with several margaritas under my belt.

I can't decide if this is great or absurd - a marshmallow blaster seen in the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog.  It looks much like a nerf rifle but it shoots marshmallows up to 50' with a pump action lever.  You can see this here:  http://www.hammacher.com/publish/74179.asp  Given their lack of nutritionally redeeming qualities and the resulting impact on wildlife, do we really want people littering the landscape with marshmallows?

I know I don't see myself as anything like a bottle of beer:  Henry Weinhard's beer slogan painted on a building in downtown Portland:  "Organic just like you."  Uh-huh...  Leaving imagery of cannibalism aside, given what most people eat (fast food, snack products that are colors such as day-glo orange) I'm hard pressed to think this is reassuring.  And that assumes we want to identify ourselves with any type of beer or that I want my beer to be just like me. 

Will shorter URLs really bring you new customers?  Seen on billboards around town:  Qwest has a new URL - q.com.  Did they think people couldn't spell Qwest?  Is this a new trend in illiteracy brought about by instant messaging shorthand?  Does the branding genius who came up with this think it's more "approachable"?  Do I sound like Donald Rumsfeld here?

Do they really think people will see this as anything other than a $2000 hobby horse?  http://www.hammacher.com/publish/10958.asp?promo=pe_exercise  Advertised to exercise core muscle groups,  as several other odd-looking machines on this site claim to do.  I'm not even going to speculate on what muscles this really trains but I doubt it will replace exercise bikes, treadmills and weights any time soon.  I'm also pretty sure this isn't the sort of thing men who have high-end exercise rooms with those objects in them in their homes will want to show to their macho friends, which has often seemed to me to be the point of having expensive in-home exercise equipment.  I can't picture this thing next to the weight set.